At a loss of what to do.. Please help x

[Anon2021x]

I just need advice and different perspectives because I am just feeling so lonely in this situation.

I've been with my partner for 5 years almost, we have a young daughter and live together. When I met him it felt like we fell in love straight away and we were inseparable since, but since she was born its been well.. a complete sh*t show.

I don't know how to explain how lonely he makes me feel in this relationship. Examples of things that make me feel unvalued.. Not once in this whole year of 2020 have I had a lie in whilst he gets up with DD (I'm not exaggerating not even on my birthday). He doesn't cook very often, never washes up etc. I do all the cleaning and on top that he is always so angry about everything.

A few weeks ago, DD wanted to play something with him and he said no he was very tired so I ended up arguing with him because he was being unreasonable. He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do.

He never wants to do anything - even before this pandemic he would never suggest going out on a date night or anything. Never initiates being intimate, he has said before that he hates the weekends because he has to be at home and everyone's up early etc.

I feel like he resents us and the life he now has. I feel he has everything that alot of men would appreciate - our daughter is so wonderful, I'm a good person, I would do anything for my family. We have spoken about how I feel many a time and nothing has changed.

He shows he cares in other ways I suppose, if I needed him to get me from anywhere or if our daughter needed anything then he would drop everything. But I don't know if I've set my bar so low now that that sounds pathetic.

I'm so scared of the future alone, but I feel that maybe that's the best thing.

Can anyone offer any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

Phone Women's Aid to start sorting out practicalities, and start looking for your own flat.

You could swap him for an Uber account and be a lot happier.

He won’t change OP and it will get worse and worse. Will you want to be sitting there in 10 years time wishing you’d got out 10 years ago? Do it now and don’t let him try and talk you out of it (which he will no doubt). Good luck x

@SilverRoe

I’m so sorry, it does sound heartbreaking. He sounds like the sort of person who is sunshine and light when not being challenged in any way to sacrifice or to change his life - which is what happens when you become a parent, particularly in the early years.

It sounds to me as though you have embraced becoming a parent and the responsibility that comes with it and he has not. Was your daughter planned? Not that it should matter overall but it sounds as though he wants a carefree life not to have to give up things and contribute equally as a parent.

I’ve seen more than a few tales of men who are wonderful loving partners - when all the attention and love is focused 100% on them. When they have to not only ‘share’ the love and attention their partner has with a baby but also be more giving and put in more effort as a parent they become jealous and resentful.

Do you think that is the case for your partner?

Yes, this sounds like what he is like. He is very resentful towards all the aspects of parenting. The early wake ups, lack of sleep, general day to day frustrations when you have a toddler. I take it in my stride because I adore my daughter. She's my world and she is very attached to me, she also loves him very much but he doesn't give her all the attention she deserves. She wasn't planned, but yes you're right he does want a carefree life.

If I told my friends/family there's no coming back from it they would never speak to him again. My parents would be distraught and do anything I needed to help me. I'm very lucky to have my family and friends around me, however it is very hard to admit what is actually going on behind closed doors. I'm also lucky in that he's not controlling in any way financially etc, he works and puts everything in our joint account and let's me divvy it out between everything as necessary.

I'm so worn down by it all that I don't even understand how it can get better. I feel like we are miserable. Both of us.

Having read your updates OP, he has shown you all the warning signs. Get out now while you still can. This will escalate.
A partner telling you they feel like punching you is all you need to know for sure that you need to leave. Do it for your daughter, do it for your safety. Just do it.
Tell your friends and family what has been going on and lean on them when you are finding it hard to stand firm. This man is dangerous. Please leave him.

Thank you all for your responses. I've cried alot today reading them all, I appreciate all the advice.

I think I'm going to start by confiding in a close friend and going from there.. Getting finances in order etc.

Poor you. I'd recommend that you get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" (available on Amazon etc, or there's a pdf version online), or Pat Craven's "Living with the dominator" - and join the Freedom Programme. It'll help you to get a better understanding of the abuse you're experiencing

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

The things that motivated me to leave was thinking ; do I want my son growing up and seeing his fathers behaviour and believing that it’s acceptable to kick and throw things around? Do I want my son to grow up and think it’s acceptable to have someone screaming and swearing inches away from your face, scaring you? Do I want my son growing up thinking this is what love is?

My answer to all of these questions was no, I want my son to have self respect and balance, I want him to learn to control his anger, and to respect others. And I want my son to grow up with a real perception if what love is.

This is not the first time I have walked away, but it is absolutely the last. A leopard does not change its spots and it’s tough, but it will get easier. People cannot change who they are, they will always revert to kind. For me I certainly fell in love quickly but that was never who he was, and I have spent 3 1/2 years accepting that I fell for the perception he projects to the world, not who he actually is. If that makes sense.

You deserve to be happy.

Good luck xx

"He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do."

Don't let her live like this. You'll both be so much happier without him not to mention safer

Why are you wasting one more precious day of your life with such an utter loser??

@blazinglightonthehill

"He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do."

Don't let her live like this. You'll both be so much happier without him not to mention safer

I know.

You should feel guilty for letting her witness this. Don't keep dithering to spare yourself and let her get mentally fucked in the meanwhile. You are in an emergency situation, don't kid yourself.

If you met him just now, would you want to be with him? Do you want your daughter to chose her own partner later in life and think that someone like her father is good relationship material?

Leave. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have a better life than this.

He hasn’t adjusted to being the centre of your world. I’m really glad to see you’re confiding in a friend and getting your affairs in order. As for the tenancy, the ll can allow him to come off the tenancy (if he agrees to do so). This is as long as you can afford the rent alone or your parents can act as guarantors at the ll’s discretion.

Just wanted to say that some people don't know how to look after a small child - unless he has spent enough time with her to see how rewarding it is to make his child smile or laugh he will continue to see her as a nuisance.
I would try to get him to be responsible for her (assuming he is trustworthy) so that he gets the reward of caring for her successfully. And praise him, tell him how happy she is when he does whatever and once he realises he can be a good dad he might do more.

So pleased to hear you are going to confide in a friend. I really hope that spurs you on to tell your family too. It's too easy to block a friend because you've changed your mind and given him another chance. Telling your mum / your family gives you a wider support network to lean on when your are confused. You are worth so much more than the way he has treated you. If you struggle to process that sometimes, remember your child and her well-being. All the best.

"He hasn’t adjusted to being the centre of your world"

"And praise him, tell him how happy she is when he does whatever"

are you people for real? He got angry with a child for wanting to show him something. Punched holes in a door in front of her, called OP a cunt and said she makes him want to punch her. He shouts all of the time, is unreasonable and doesn't care for either the OP or their daughter.

And you want her to sit around and praise him and make excuses for his abusive behaviour.

Leave him OP. Show your daughter exactly how she should act in the situation where a person is violent around her.

I’m sorry it does ring a bell. I think you are doing the right thing to start confiding in a friend. It is hard but this is the reality you’re living, and you deserve love and support, so does your daughter. If he refuses to be that person then reach out to the ones who will be there.

@AMQ00004 thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think that step of actually seperating for the first time is going to be really hard. Each day I think okay maybe we can salvage this but then he shows me once more why we really can't.

As you said about your son, I don't want my daughter around this type of behaviour.

@PerveenMistry Im not trying to spare myself at all, it's just a very difficult situation that has slowly gotten worse. Yes, I probably should have left the first time he was verbally abusive. I would have thought the same if I read someone else's story like mine, but living it is hasn't been so easy to do.

@SomethingRandomAgain no, absolutely not. I wouldn't want her to ever be in this situation.

@vintageyoda I'm so worried about telling my mum because she woukd be so distraught and probably wouldn't sleep again until she knew I was out of this situation. I do however feel like telling her is the only way to ensure it is all out in the open. You're right you can easily block out what a friend says. My mum and I are very close.

I just don't really understand how this all happened. It's very overwhelming.

Angry
Threatens you
Name calls
Isn’t sexually interested in you
Doesn’t help at home
Resents you raising issues
Is aggressive and violent-in front of your dd
Has damaged the door (bye bye deposit!)

I’d be asking the landlord to remove him from the tenancy due to all of the above.

OP, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

You can do it. Pick up the phone and call your mum and tell her all about it. Scary as hell, but a LOT less scary that what could be coming your way if you don't do something about it.

You'd want your daughter to tell you if she were in this situation, right?

You know your mum would far rather have a few sleepless nights than have you in a bad situation, OP. One of the most difficult things to bear when you love someone is knowing you could have helped if only they had given you the chance. Let her in, Give her the chance to help you through this difficult time. I know my mum would have been beside herself if I was so unhappy and didn't tell her. My mum has passed away now, your mum is there. Reach out, you know she would want you to.
Stay safe.

There is nothing wrong with being alone! Being alone and happy is possible. Please dont let your dd grow up thinking this shit is normal!

I've confided in a family member today - we are like sisters. She's so upset I didn't mention anything before, we agreed to talk again tomorrow to help me talk through all the thoughts in my head.

Its almost dizzying how much this is to deal with.

I cry so much when I think of my daughter being in this situation @tiredybear

I was also surprised when he said he refuses to go to counselling and would rather leave.

His problem is that he thinks he's the great I Am. Before you had the baby your attention was on him and that's how he thinks it should still be. It isn't, it can't be. And he doesn't like it.

He sees going to counselling as weak (and is probably afraid of what he might find out about himself) so it doesn't fit his image of who he is. Whereas being The Great Provider (you have access to all the money) does.

He doesn't like DD having your attention, he's damn well not going to give her his too. Basically he's sulking - but because he's an adult, and a strong one physically at that, he's resorting to nastiness and violence and he's getting worse. Don't be too sure you (or Heaven forbid, DD) might not be on the receiving end one day. Good luck with getting out. Your mum might well worry, but she'll be glad to worry, if that makes sense. Because she cares.