At a loss of what to do.. Please help x

[Anon2021x]

I just need advice and different perspectives because I am just feeling so lonely in this situation.

I've been with my partner for 5 years almost, we have a young daughter and live together. When I met him it felt like we fell in love straight away and we were inseparable since, but since she was born its been well.. a complete sh*t show.

I don't know how to explain how lonely he makes me feel in this relationship. Examples of things that make me feel unvalued.. Not once in this whole year of 2020 have I had a lie in whilst he gets up with DD (I'm not exaggerating not even on my birthday). He doesn't cook very often, never washes up etc. I do all the cleaning and on top that he is always so angry about everything.

A few weeks ago, DD wanted to play something with him and he said no he was very tired so I ended up arguing with him because he was being unreasonable. He ended up going upstairs and punching several holes through a door which DD saw him do.

He never wants to do anything - even before this pandemic he would never suggest going out on a date night or anything. Never initiates being intimate, he has said before that he hates the weekends because he has to be at home and everyone's up early etc.

I feel like he resents us and the life he now has. I feel he has everything that alot of men would appreciate - our daughter is so wonderful, I'm a good person, I would do anything for my family. We have spoken about how I feel many a time and nothing has changed.

He shows he cares in other ways I suppose, if I needed him to get me from anywhere or if our daughter needed anything then he would drop everything. But I don't know if I've set my bar so low now that that sounds pathetic.

I'm so scared of the future alone, but I feel that maybe that's the best thing.

Can anyone offer any advice? Am I being unreasonable?

You will 've better off without his petty resentment dragging you down. He's not prepared to work on himself, so this is how things will stay unless you change things. You can't change him. Just whether you're around him. There doesn't sound much point in your child being around him. And he's making you miserable. Move on. There's a whole world out there.

He shows he cares in other ways I suppose, if I needed him to get me from anywhere or if our daughter needed anything then he would drop everything

Drop everything. or punch a hole in the door?

I think it's so hard to see the truth when you were blinded by 'love' at the beginning - you're desperate to get back to that, but you're beginning to realise it wasn't even real. But this is.

I can't really imagine it's going to get any better. If you asked him to leave, would he?

He’d rather leave then make the effort to go to counselling or talk to you?

He’s awful, OP. You and your daughter deserve so much better and would be far better off alone.

You may be eligible for help with some costs, have a look on www.entitledto.co.U.K. And remember to allow for cms.

Please do yourselves a huge favour and kick this cock nostril out before he does any more damage to you both.

I'm so sorry, the practicalities of breaking up do seem mountainous, but you know it really is time to move on.

You say you rent, and that in the past you've packed his bags but he hasn't gone. Could you find somewhere else to rent and move out? Rather than trying to get him to go? Depending on your tenancy etc he may have as much right to stay in the house as you, so it might actually be easier for you to be the one to move.

You want him to change or him to leave. He's showing no signs of actually doing either. So it looks like you are going to need to be the one who changes their reaction and leaves. I'm sure you don't want to uproot your daughter but it's got to be worth it to sort this out before he hits something other than a door.

Blurry, he sounds awful! I know it's easy for strangers to say LTB but honestly, it doesn't sound like you'd be missing much! I'm sure you'd be happier with just you and your DD

I think you need to have an honest conversation and just ask him whether he'd be happier if he left and you both moved on with better lives. If he says yes, then agree a plan of when he leaves by. If no, then either he must try counselling or - and this is especially important if you feel at all threatened - you need to plan your way out as soon as possible. Find a place to rent, sort out your finances and be ready to go. I wouldn't tell him, I'd just go once you have a safe option. Your daughter has already been subjected to domestic abuse and it won't get better if he won't change. She must be your top priority and, whilst it will be hard on your own, you deserve better and will be free. You probably won't even truly realise how unhappy this situation is making you until you are out of it.

He'd rather leave than go to counselling, there's your answer. Who's name is on the tenancy agreement op? If it's his I would also look for somewhere else to live. What on earth was more important than interacting with his child? He doesn't sound like a good partner or father. Your dd needs you to keep her safe. I don't see any positives in you staying with him.

Sounds like a heartbreaking situation. One way I gave myself a push when in a similar situation was thinking do I want my daughter to grow up thinking that was how relationships should be like? Good luck- I hope you and your daughter are ok and can find the strength to do what you need to.

It's a joint tenancy, I don't know the legalities of him being the one to leave. I was also surprised when he said he refuses to go to counselling and would rather leave.

I feel so much guilt for my daughter having witnessed the whole door incident and just the general shouting all the time. He literally got annoyed with her yesterday morning because she was trying to show him something.. His behaviour is so unreasonable.

I don't even know where to start with all the practicalities of seperating.

He seems to have a lot of unresolved anger here doesnt he? If he wont go to Counselling then I think you have no option but to leave really.If he is pinching holes in doors then that is not normal behaviour, and will upset DD.Also if he turns violent you and DD are both at risk .If you can I would make arrangements to leave and go it alone .

Get yourself and your child away from this man and do it fast. Don’t let him know until you are away and safe.

Some men are decent friends for a while but shit at nurturing. You sadly, have found one.
I’d sit him down, tell him what is a must and be repaired to compromise. If he does not support you. Support yourself.

I’m so sorry, it does sound heartbreaking. He sounds like the sort of person who is sunshine and light when not being challenged in any way to sacrifice or to change his life - which is what happens when you become a parent, particularly in the early years.

It sounds to me as though you have embraced becoming a parent and the responsibility that comes with it and he has not. Was your daughter planned? Not that it should matter overall but it sounds as though he wants a carefree life not to have to give up things and contribute equally as a parent.

I’ve seen more than a few tales of men who are wonderful loving partners - when all the attention and love is focused 100% on them. When they have to not only ‘share’ the love and attention their partner has with a baby but also be more giving and put in more effort as a parent they become jealous and resentful.

Do you think that is the case for your partner?

@Henrysmycat

You are not unreasonable in the slightest. Do your daughter a favour, it’s the least you can do as a mother for her; don’t allow her to see another man punching holes in walls. Your face or her face could be next. Get your finances in order and get out of there or kick him out ASAP. He’s just not that into you or his family. You both deserve better.

This

First of all get him to mend and pay for the repair to the punched door otherwise the landlord might take it off your deposit.

Then you are not married and have a joint tenancy. If you want to stay there but he will not leave the only way to get rid of him will be some kind of molestation order. I believe you can only get legal (i) for violence so not sure if this counts and (ii) only if you don't earn much but either way you might want to pay for an hour of a lawyer's time for some specific advice.

You need to decide if you want to stay together or not. A new child is a stressful time for both parents and sometimes that just gets better when the child gets a bit bigger although people often by then have a second child so not necessarily easier. Our hardest time was 3 children under 4 and both of us working full time.

It sounds like you both work and your daughter goes to nursery. I don't know which earns the most. you are not married so the financial position is totally different for a split from if you were. Assuming you both earn similar amounts and you persuade him to leave amicably he may be entitled to half the deposit if you both paid half in the first place - read the tenancy agreement - it probably says which of you is the lead tenant and which gets the deposit back when you both leave. The one who leaves is probably still legally responsible for all the rent so that might be something you and he need to agree about in writing between you eg an agreement

that he leaves by x date,

that he pays CMS calculated child support (or may be he will want the child to live with him - another reason to take legal advice although I doubt he wants the child but he might want more sleep over contact with the child than you want him to have) at perhaps 12% of his gross weekly income for one child.

how much contact he has with the child

that you take over all the rent (you should calculate if you get universal credit to help with that depending on your salary level as you will only have the child benefit and the child support he hopefully will pay) and if he will pay half the nursery costs

etc etc

Perhaps have a word with your parents when he isn't around to discuss pros and cons and financial issues.

Being alone is better than feeling alone in a relationship. You are carrying him around and he isn't bringing much to your table. Make plans and stand strong. You're doing it alone already. Being alone will bring empowerment. Feeling alone is making you miserable.

I think his behaviour has been so awful for so long he barely seems to know what a dick he’s being and this is his standard way of behaving. No help with lies in for a year, no help cooking, no help cleaning, calling you a cunt, saying he wants to hit you, punching holes in things, refusal to go for counselling or to discuss any of it...enough is enough. You know you deserve better which is why you are so miserable.

It sounds like you’ve already begun the hardest part which is to emotionally and psychologically start the separation, eg think seriously of a future away from him. You’re absolutely right as there’s no way this is a compatible and healthy relationship and he refuses to do anything to improve it.

Off the top of my head...I’d begin the physical separation by getting any joint finances separated as a priority, addressing any joint debts, sorting joint agreements eg tendency so they are in your name. You are fortunate that you can manage independently. If you can keep your rental property going great, but if not start registering now with letting agents / give notice to your landlord. Depends on your personal situation. Have a financial cushion of savings of as much as possible - deposit up front etc. Start to sell joint assets and split the money, if applicable. Eg when I split with my partner we had a huge sofa set and dining table that neither would need in our new flats so we sold them.

I would also start to show him that you are as good as separated and he needs to get used to you not cooking for him or doing his laundry. He doesn’t appreciate it anyway.

Do family and friends know how awful he is being? Sounds like you are bearing all this alone.

*tenancy not tendency

Advice? Double up on contraception- it's harder to leave w two children than with one and his behaviour will hit you even harder if you are struggling with two whilst he sits on his arse.

Oh, and leave.

Him hitting doors is a precursor to him hitting you. He's warning you what will happen if you don't do as you're told and stop questioning him .

I think he sounds either depressed or frustrated with his life as a parent. This behaviour stems from unhappiness and to continue like this isnt fair on anyone, least of all, your daughter.

I think you have to take the initiative and end things before they get any worse. He might do the pleading and promising to change, but he won't and perhaps he can't becasue even with the best intentions, his frustration and unhappiness will still be there. He probably doesn't want to be that man who walks out on his family, but in all honesty, that would, be better for everyone. It's really shit that he's forcing you to be the one to take responsibility for this by his bad behaviour and I'm really sorry you're having such an awful time. I think after the initial pain of ending things, you'll feel a lot better and relieved to be put of it, though

Do not pin this on his being depressed and stressed. Many, many men are - especially when they have kids. They do not respond like this.

His behaviour tells you everything about what he really thinks of you and women deep down.

Its a fundamental flaw in his character which you cannot fix.

What happens when he runs out of doors to hit? You deserve better than someone who treats you with such disregard and your daughter shouldn’t have to live in fear. You know what you need to do.