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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mum threw out my friend's belongings (yes I'm probably BU)

94 replies

Lucidas · 31/12/2020 22:36

Just over six years ago, one of my friends at university asked for a favour: she was in the final stages of her PhD writeup, but had to return to her home country for six months, before returning to submit her thesis and have her viva. She asked if she could leave two medium-sized bags with me for the time being (full of clothes mainly, but other odd bits of crockery). I accepted - it was only to be a few months, and we were in a flat at the time that was had a lot of extra storage so it wasn't a burden. She was a decent friend - not massively close, but still. She also left about 7 or 8 other bags with another girl at university (I know because I dropped her off to the girl's house and helped moved the stuff).

A few months on and our tenancy wasn't renewed, and we had to move to a tiny flat with no space. I asked my mum if I could keep the bags in her double garage conversion, where she has stored all kinds of stuff from years ago - children's clothes, random things picked up from charity ships, and whatnot. Not to say that I took her agreement lightly, but she can easily go a year without stepping in there, so I didn't think it would be a massive burden. (Although, she when she does step foot inside, she likes to do lots of rearranging and tidying...) She reluctantly agreed.

In the meantime, nothing from my friend. Had messaged her once on fb but no reply. Two years after she'd deposited the stuff, I messaged again telling her to please find a way of collecting it asap as it was taking up a fair bit of room. She said her father had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, that it had thrown he PhD r submission plans awry..that if I had no other way, please not to get rid of the stuff but she could arrange storage for them. But asking me to hold on a little longer. So I passed on this story to my mum and she sighed, but said fine.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my mum re-entered the garage this summer after a two year long hiatus and chucked everything out. Opened the bags, took all the clothes to rags recycling, and said it was my fault for not being decisive enough and taking action. Which I guess it is. I still wish she'd told me though just beforehand.

AIBU? (yes for being a weakling) Do you think 'friend' will ever get in touch to salvage her old clothing?

OP posts:
DaysAreGettingLongerNow · 31/12/2020 22:37

After six years I think your mother was being more than fair. Even debts expire after not much longer than that!

dinosforall · 31/12/2020 22:39

Six years is a ridiculous amount of time for a second-hand favour.

CoRhona · 31/12/2020 22:39

Six years is a pisstake no matter what her circumstances were.

DaysAreGettingLongerNow · 31/12/2020 22:40

Also... there’s no way your friend wants a pile of clothes that have been stored in a garage for six years. Any she really needed she would have replaced by now. If they even still fit her, they’ll be yellowed, have elastic that’s given up the ghost, or just be hopelessly dated.

coconutpie · 31/12/2020 22:40

SIX YEARS???!!!! YABU.

Frolicinameadow · 31/12/2020 22:41

I’m someone who is constantly clearing out, they wouldn’t have last 6 months never mind 6 years!
I doubt your friend will look for them after this time

Bluebaubles · 31/12/2020 22:41

The clothes aren’t a problem, but the Phd thesis?

Mayra1367 · 31/12/2020 22:43

You mum should of chucked them sooner .

SpiderinaWingMirror · 31/12/2020 22:43

Lol. Well if she does just say they got wet, rotted and were chucked.

Bumblebee57 · 31/12/2020 22:44

Your moms right imo if your friend comes back to you wait 2 years then reply like she did with you if it was something she was bothered about in any kind of way a message would have been enough or even the postage for any work to be sent back to her...6 years is more than enough your friend has clearly moved on so i wouldnt dwell on it either

DaysAreGettingLongerNow · 31/12/2020 22:44

@Bluebaubles

The clothes aren’t a problem, but the Phd thesis?
She didn’t leave it in the garage!
Lucidas · 31/12/2020 22:44

@Bluebaubles

The clothes aren’t a problem, but the Phd thesis?
I have no idea about that...By the time she left for her home country, she had already spent six years on the PhD when it should've take four. Lots of 'circumstances'.

It sucks. On reflection, it's unlikely that she could have left the 7 or 8 other bags with that girl without collecting them, so maybe she really did just intend to dump the clothes permanently on me (mum's theory).

OP posts:
halcyondays · 31/12/2020 22:49

She was never going to come back for her stuff.

OneNapForMeNoNapForYou · 31/12/2020 22:53

She's not a friend, she's just a weird floater person casually dumping their crap here and there.
I'd not even reply if I got any messages.
You have given plenty of time to collect, she didn't, never contacted you.
Just forget it.
Deny all knowledge.

You'll be ok.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/12/2020 22:56

Maybe you wouldn't be unreasonable for throwing stuff out after this length of time, but I don't think it's reasonable for you mother to dispose of it unless she'd given you a firm deadline. She's annoyed at you, but it's not your stuff she's throwing out, it's someone else's.

Lucidas · 31/12/2020 23:04

@MereDintofPandiculation

Maybe you wouldn't be unreasonable for throwing stuff out after this length of time, but I don't think it's reasonable for you mother to dispose of it unless she'd given you a firm deadline. She's annoyed at you, but it's not your stuff she's throwing out, it's someone else's.
That's what I was thinking... If she'd just said 'it's getting chucked in one week' and I'd sent one last ditch message, my conscience would've been clear. But six years is a pisstake I get that.
OP posts:
2bazookas · 31/12/2020 23:07

In your Mum's shoes I'd have done the same. Friend knew the score years ago and should have made a new storage arrangement after you had to move.

RolandSchitt · 31/12/2020 23:08

6 years is a complete pisstake, your mum's far more patient than I'd be Grin

FortunesFave · 31/12/2020 23:08

Don't worry about it. I have a feeling you'd still have that stuff in ten years!

ChronicallyCurious · 31/12/2020 23:09

It’s been six years!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/12/2020 23:13

Everyone is being unreasonable.

Your friend for dumping her stuff on you.

You for not chasing her sooner/harder.

Your mother for dumping her stuff instead of handing it back to you to sort.

Nobody comes out of this looking good.

Giraffey1 · 31/12/2020 23:13

I’m amazed your mum held on to it for so long. I’d have binned it years ago!

safariboot · 31/12/2020 23:17

Your mum should have told you first, so you could have took care of it yourself if you wanted.

With your friend's father being terminally ill, and possibly now deceased, it could well be things of sentimental value being thrown in the rubbish.

Sparklesocks · 31/12/2020 23:18

Your friend was taking the mick expecting you to store her stuff indefinitely. You aren’t a big yellow.

FirewomanSam · 31/12/2020 23:19

If your ‘friend’ hasn’t missed any of the clothes in 6 years then she really doesn’t need them. I bet she can’t even remember what was in them!