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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum threw out my friend's belongings (yes I'm probably BU)

94 replies

Lucidas · 31/12/2020 22:36

Just over six years ago, one of my friends at university asked for a favour: she was in the final stages of her PhD writeup, but had to return to her home country for six months, before returning to submit her thesis and have her viva. She asked if she could leave two medium-sized bags with me for the time being (full of clothes mainly, but other odd bits of crockery). I accepted - it was only to be a few months, and we were in a flat at the time that was had a lot of extra storage so it wasn't a burden. She was a decent friend - not massively close, but still. She also left about 7 or 8 other bags with another girl at university (I know because I dropped her off to the girl's house and helped moved the stuff).

A few months on and our tenancy wasn't renewed, and we had to move to a tiny flat with no space. I asked my mum if I could keep the bags in her double garage conversion, where she has stored all kinds of stuff from years ago - children's clothes, random things picked up from charity ships, and whatnot. Not to say that I took her agreement lightly, but she can easily go a year without stepping in there, so I didn't think it would be a massive burden. (Although, she when she does step foot inside, she likes to do lots of rearranging and tidying...) She reluctantly agreed.

In the meantime, nothing from my friend. Had messaged her once on fb but no reply. Two years after she'd deposited the stuff, I messaged again telling her to please find a way of collecting it asap as it was taking up a fair bit of room. She said her father had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, that it had thrown he PhD r submission plans awry..that if I had no other way, please not to get rid of the stuff but she could arrange storage for them. But asking me to hold on a little longer. So I passed on this story to my mum and she sighed, but said fine.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my mum re-entered the garage this summer after a two year long hiatus and chucked everything out. Opened the bags, took all the clothes to rags recycling, and said it was my fault for not being decisive enough and taking action. Which I guess it is. I still wish she'd told me though just beforehand.

AIBU? (yes for being a weakling) Do you think 'friend' will ever get in touch to salvage her old clothing?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 00:02

It sounds as though your mum stored the items for a reasonable amount of time - even if just talking about the additional 2 years. It is wrong of her not to have given you a heads up imo. Your “friend” is a complete piss taker.

Taikoo · 01/01/2021 00:11

Place marking.

jessstan1 · 01/01/2021 00:14

@dinosforall

Six years is a ridiculous amount of time for a second-hand favour.
Yes.
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 01/01/2021 00:17

6 years storing someone else detritus they’ve made no attempt to save?hell yea Chuck that shite out

BigBadVoodooHat · 01/01/2021 00:28

She went through it all meticulously, said all the clothing was old and very worn and not even fit for a charity shop. Hence she got rid.

So six years of storing someone else’s tatty rags?

No wonder your ‘friend’ couldn’t be arsed to collect them.

Watermama · 01/01/2021 00:33

Your mum clearly didn't tell you on purpose because she knew you were too weak to actually ditch the stuff yourself. I can't believe you actually imposed on your mum for so long!

BoomBoomsCousin · 01/01/2021 00:44

Plenty of "blame" to go around. Your "friend" is taking the piss and seems to have been the worst offender. You really should have been more proactive about checking with your friend and getting the bags moved instead fo forgetting about them and leaving the burden with your mum. I can see why your mum was frustrated but I can't agree with your her actions. She absolutely wasn't obliged to hold on to the bags, however going straight to throwing the stuff out without first emailing you to say "Come get them within a fortnight or they're going" was totally unnecessary.

However, I don't think it's worth getting at all annoyed over. The chances of your friend asking for the bags back is negligible.

twilightermummy · 01/01/2021 00:50

Hahaha, I've actually had a giggle that these bags have been in your life for 6 years!!
I didn't read the OP properly and clicked YANBU as I thought it had been 2 years so, add another vote for YABU! Seriously, your mum is not wrong here!

groovergirl · 01/01/2021 01:28

If your long-ago friend had really wanted her stuff, she would have arranged and paid for postage by now. Clothes aren't that expensive to post, esp if by sea mail.

Sounds like your DM had the right instinct about this. She sorted and disposed of the items responsibly and sustainably.

I doubt you'll ever hear from this friend again, so forget it, and have a good new year.

caringcarer · 01/01/2021 01:53

I would leave it and say nothing. It is very unlikely this person will contact you after all of this time. If she does tell her moths ate them and clothing got damp and mildew. Had to throw away.

SimplySusanna · 01/01/2021 01:58

I'm really surprised at the replies.

Your mum was absolutely bu and I'd be pretty furious. She should have told you to get them by x date or should have dumped them on your doorstep... It was not her call to decide whether they were 'worth' keeping or not and not her place to chuck them. Appalling behaviour from your mum.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/01/2021 02:02

be honest OP, before your mum told you she got rid of the stuff when was the last time you thought about these bags? I’m guessing about 5 min after you contacted the friend 4 years or so ago... just put it it of your mind now, why would you give this more headspace than your friend obviously has?

Longdistance · 01/01/2021 02:03

Your mums house isn’t the Yellow Storage Company. YABU. Six years is far too long.

1forAll74 · 01/01/2021 02:33

I would have thrown it all out years ago. I would have had to store it in my shed, then it might have got some slugs and woodlice in the bags.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/01/2021 02:46

If your friend wanted the stuff, she should have kept in regular contact and/or made alternative arrangements at the two year stage.
Had the same with several boxes/cases of stuff that belonged to a cousin who returned to Australia suddenly - it stayed in my attic probably for about six years, and I chucked it all when I moved.

sortmylifeoutplease · 01/01/2021 04:42

. "I can see why your mum was frustrated but I can't agree with your her actions. She absolutely wasn't obliged to hold on to the bags, however going straight to throwing the stuff out without first emailing you to say "Come get them within a fortnight or they're going" was totally unnecessary."

This.

notangelinajolie · 01/01/2021 04:48

Your friend. You should have stored her stuff.

KatherineJaneway · 01/01/2021 07:13

Your 'friend' clearly does not need or want her possessions after six years.

SillyMoomin · 01/01/2021 07:49

Has your friend even been in contact with you in the last two years?? She’s not a friend

Original poster
Lucidas · 01/01/2021 08:00

@SillyMoomin

Has your friend even been in contact with you in the last two years?? She’s not a friend
No, it really has been years. Any contact completely fizzled out a long time ago. It was just that she told me about her father condition and her delayed PhD submission, she was pleading for me not to throw out the stuff... :/ I have no why she would do that if she had no intention of collecting.

I doubt I’ll ever commit to keeping anyone’s belongings again, especially if they’re going abroad.

OP posts:
SillyMoomin · 01/01/2021 08:15

Yeah.... she forgotten / moved on.. and not just from the belongings. Sorry OP

brush it off and start afresh

DeciduousPerennial · 01/01/2021 08:19

It’s been 6 years, you have no contact with this woman at all - why would you feel bad or think your mum has been unreasonable?

This woman (she isn’t your friend, not anymore, she’s just someone you used to know) has completely taken the piss.

LobotheBotanist · 01/01/2021 08:25

People do this

We chucked stuff out from SIL (4 boxes of cloths, chipped ornaments and mouldy study books) after 5 years

I made DH do it

SIL has never asked for them (she dropped them 10 yrs ago) Grin

Some people are just bad at throwing stuff away

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/01/2021 08:31

I would have told you I was throwing everything out and that, if you wanted your friend's possessions, you needed to collect them immediately. However, you were unreasonable to expect your mum to store her stuff for 6 years.

sparklefarts · 01/01/2021 08:39

🤣 seriously

Are you still even in contact with her. She was blatantly never coming to get the stuff

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