Mum threw out my friend's belongings (yes I'm probably BU)

[Lucidas]

Just over six years ago, one of my friends at university asked for a favour: she was in the final stages of her PhD writeup, but had to return to her home country for six months, before returning to submit her thesis and have her viva. She asked if she could leave two medium-sized bags with me for the time being (full of clothes mainly, but other odd bits of crockery). I accepted - it was only to be a few months, and we were in a flat at the time that was had a lot of extra storage so it wasn't a burden. She was a decent friend - not massively close, but still. She also left about 7 or 8 other bags with another girl at university (I know because I dropped her off to the girl's house and helped moved the stuff).

A few months on and our tenancy wasn't renewed, and we had to move to a tiny flat with no space. I asked my mum if I could keep the bags in her double garage conversion, where she has stored all kinds of stuff from years ago - children's clothes, random things picked up from charity ships, and whatnot. Not to say that I took her agreement lightly, but she can easily go a year without stepping in there, so I didn't think it would be a massive burden. (Although, she when she does step foot inside, she likes to do lots of rearranging and tidying...) She reluctantly agreed.

In the meantime, nothing from my friend. Had messaged her once on fb but no reply. Two years after she'd deposited the stuff, I messaged again telling her to please find a way of collecting it asap as it was taking up a fair bit of room. She said her father had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, that it had thrown he PhD r submission plans awry..that if I had no other way, please not to get rid of the stuff but she could arrange storage for them. But asking me to hold on a little longer. So I passed on this story to my mum and she sighed, but said fine.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, my mum re-entered the garage this summer after a two year long hiatus and chucked everything out. Opened the bags, took all the clothes to rags recycling, and said it was my fault for not being decisive enough and taking action. Which I guess it is. I still wish she'd told me though just beforehand.

AIBU? (yes for being a weakling) Do you think 'friend' will ever get in touch to salvage her old clothing?

6 years!? I think I'd wait 2 years at absolute max, but 6 years to not return for something and expect your Mum to have it is beyond ridiculous! If she asks for her stuff I'd reply "We kept it 6 years but needed the space". Your friend is bonkers if she expects it to be around now!!

Good grief! No way would I have kept some girls crap for 6 years that clearly had no respect for my daughter and that I'd never met. Stop being a doormat!

I would have thrown it out too. Who needs bags of crap from some random to be taking up storage space?
If your friend wanted it she should have organised getting it. She didn’t, so tough.

After 6 years of free storage and minimal contact from the owner, it was absolutely OP's mum's call to decide what to do with the stuff. OP should have chased up her friend years ago and set a final time limit, without her mother having to tell her to do so.

What’s more, I wouldn’t even be apologetic to the friend. She wasn’t arsed about the stuff but expects you to be? Fuck right off.

Your mum was fine to throw it out although she should have told you she was about to do it.

I doubt very much that the woman will be in touch now: she probably meant to come back for them originally but it's too long now.

I wonder what's behind your being worried and unsettled by this though. Realisation of time passing? Doubt that you haven't done enough? (Not about the clothes, about something else.) What is it that you're holding on to here, OP?

Don't worry, she'll never ask for it back, just forget about it and get on with your dm, not worth falling out with her about a bag of crap

@Inthenetto

Your mum was fine to throw it out although she should have told you she was about to do it.

I doubt very much that the woman will be in touch now: she probably meant to come back for them originally but it's too long now.

I wonder what's behind your being worried and unsettled by this though. Realisation of time passing? Doubt that you haven't done enough? (Not about the clothes, about something else.) What is it that you're holding on to here, OP?

Its probably my lack of agency throughout the whole thing (self-inflicted, but still) - having the stuff foisted on me for so long, my mum then taking the decision to get rid of them, and for years, me fretting over the damn bags constantly in the back of my mind, but without the courage to give her a final ultimatum.

And then there’s the lack of agreed closure, and the unceremonious disposal of what my mum claims to be a bunch of mainly tatty clothing and unwashed cutlery

I don’t see the point of all the ‘I would have thrown it all out after six months!’ posts. The OP was very clear that her mother barely uses this space and has only chucked the stuff now because she’s had her first clear out in two years.

That’s not to say I think the mother is in the wrong, but let’s not pretend she is a saint for having devoted precious space to two bags for all these years.

You should have sorted it earlier, but equally your Mum should have warned you she was about to chuck it all out.

Six years! It's about time it was dealt with and probably a bit mouldy after sitting in a garage all that time. Your friend is a CF!

Well done for your mum for keeping that long. Your friend was taking the piss or simply forgot about her things.

I’d be gobsmacked if you ever hear from your friend again. And if you did, there’s really nothing to apologise for after all this time. Don’t worry about it.

Your past aquaintance has been taking the piss letting you store rag bag clothes for 6 years! Your mum has done you a favour by finally sorting it out once and for all, don't fall out with your mum over someone you dont know anymore and thier crap.

My ex husband used to do this - he was a hoarder, when he lost his home and had to spend time abroad looking for work, coming back intermittently (always loads of excuses) he would stash his hoard of crap in friends garages, sometimes for years and years, there would always be some excuse as to why he couldn't collect them.
He's come back occasionally to look through it all, add to it and leave it.
It would literally drive his friends mad, they just didn't know what to do with all of the stuff.
Your friend should have arranged proper storage after all this time, not relied on other people looking after her stuff for years and years for free. Your mother was not being unreasonable.
All your friend had to do was to ring a storage company and get it sorted. But when you are getting something for free why would you bother.
You need to stop being so gullible really.

Ok op so this has given you an opportunity to reflect on how you're feeling and perhaps think about steps you can take to not experience these feelings again.

Maybe worth remembering that all of this stress was caused by a couple bags of old tat ie nothing much really. Often the way when you finally open the cupboard that has your boogeyman in.

She’s taking the absolute piss. You don’t dump your stuff on someone for several years when it’s not convenient for them just because it suits your own needs and then ignore them. Tough - lesson in manners learned for her.

My dry cleaner disposes of garments - designer, new, wedding dresses, the lot - if customers don’t pick them up after 4 months, whether the customer likes it or not.

Since when did your mum’s home become the Big Yellow Storage Company?

YANBU, a year would be the max for me.

If the friend gets in touch just tell her the bags got wet and covered in mold - leaky garage.