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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who shared custody of a dog with his ex?

118 replies

LanaLielaLie · 31/12/2020 08:42

He’s obsessed with this dog and claims he needs it in his life. Therefore, once a week he goes over to the house he still owns with his ex and let’s himself in, gets the dog out of the cage and takes it for a walk. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit wary of this? I’m finding myself being jealous over a fucking dog 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Imelda03 · 31/12/2020 19:50

I don’t think it strange to want to keep some contact with a pet. A good character trait (some men ignore children with ex partners let alone pets)

What I’d be irked about is that if it’s once a week why does he need or have a key to his ex’s home?

Crankley · 31/12/2020 19:59

Taikoo
Could he not get his own dog? He has a dog which he loves.
Weirdo. Yes you are.

Tumblebugsjump · 31/12/2020 20:21

Depends on the whole picture, I had a guy like this once, he just really wasn't over her. If it feels weird, it probably is, trust how you feel, so often we don't. Not insurmountable but keeps them in each other's lives, which you may or may not want to deal with.

mindutopia · 31/12/2020 20:24

No personally I wouldn’t, but I don’t like dogs (or pets generally) and I wouldn’t want to date anyone that enmeshed with their ex over a pet. We just wouldn’t be compatible.

Original poster
LanaLielaLie · 31/12/2020 21:01

I do worry that he’s not fully over her so I’m trying to distance myself slightly. He wants to be official but I’ve said no. Argh I just don’t know!

OP posts:
TroysMammy · 31/12/2020 21:08

At least it's not a teddy bear they are sharing. That was one of the most bonkers thread I read on MN years ago.

MustardMitt · 31/12/2020 21:11

I'd be more worried about someone who was happy to leave a dog

What?

I wouldn’t date someone with a dog let alone a dog that lives with their ex so I really shouldn’t comment, but the above comment is ridiculous.

AnnaSW1 · 31/12/2020 21:12

No because I don't want to live with a dog

Darbs76 · 31/12/2020 21:14

Of course you’re being unreasonable. People form close bonds with dogs, I have 3 children but absolutely adore my dog, he’s like another child to me. Sad to some, but normal to me. I guess he will pick up on your vibes and won’t be impressed anyway

Lastbonestanding · 31/12/2020 21:16

You want him to leave his dog? That is crazy talk.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/12/2020 21:19

I think it's fine he wants to see the dog. But l would be concerned about getting a lot of dog pics. Is it really about the dog or is he projecting?

SenorFrog · 31/12/2020 21:29

My ex and I shared custody of the dog until he moved away. The ex, not the dog. When Facebook started he found me and the first question he asked was about the dog, she had died at that point and he was upset.

Perfectly normal to me.

Twiddlet · 31/12/2020 21:56

He’s being kind. The dog is in a cage while she’s out - I’d be more worried if he didn’t give a shit tbh. He’s committed to his responsibility by not giving up on caring for it and he’s a better person for it.

HappyThursdays · 31/12/2020 22:00

Dogs having a cage is quite normal these days. I didn't bring up my dogs that way but a lot of people use them quite happily.

I think it would depend how much you wanted a dog in your life - but I agree with other posters who say this demonstrates that he's good at taking responsibility for things!

EggBobbin · 31/12/2020 22:39

I used to share my dog with Exh. He then started dipping out of scheduled walks or providing dog holiday sitting as he got a girlf with a dog and he walked her dog/didn’t want two dogs in the house. He essentially was having the dog when it suited but could never be relied upon not to duck out. I don’t see why if I was sharing care and giving him access to my home I should ever require the services of a dog sitter tbh. I then didn’t want him having a key anymore and wound it up- he went crazy and is still furious years later.

wigglerose · 01/01/2021 02:25

For me it would have to depend on how they handle it. I have a dog with my DH and I'd have to include sharing her in the divorce if we split up. We've done everything 50/50 with her.

If they both handled the situation like adults and civily without getting overly emotive, I could date someone who shared a dog.

I know someone who "shared custody" of the dog after they divorced (no kids), and to be honest his ex wife just used the dog as an excuse to mess him around. She'd "need" the dog when he had it because she felt upset over something, so he'd have to drop it over, usually at some inconvenient time or place. She'd want updates on the dog when he had it, that sort of thing. It meant that until the dog died they didn't have the clean break they both needed to move on.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/01/2021 02:28

@Taikoo

Could he not get his own dog? Weirdo. Yanbu.
That IS his dog, you don't stop living a dog when you split with your partner.

Nothing weird about still wanting to see it.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/01/2021 02:33

Fuck no that's just weird. That's taking blended families to a whole new level.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 01/01/2021 02:35

I'd also absolutely hate for my ex to wander into my house when I was out. I'd find that disrespectful

SomethingsGottaChange · 01/01/2021 02:36

Would bother me more that he still has a key and lets himself in

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 01/01/2021 02:36

@Dozer

So he’s a ‘Disney’ non resident dog owner: one walk a week! Presumably his ex now does almost all the actual work.

The frequent pictures would irritate me as am not into pets. Compatibility thing?

Maybe his ex doesn't want him picking the dog up more often. Maybe he'd rather have the dog. We really don't know. But rubbish to accuse him wuthout any facts
BendyLikeBeckham · 01/01/2021 02:43

I haven't RTFT but your red flag is misplaced, OP.

He has only been single a couple of months? Bam.

There is the source of your unease, and rightly so. It's not about the dog.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly men move on from a partner. Like women are disposable servants to their needs.

FloorLamp · 01/01/2021 02:52

Well it works for Ant McPartland and his ex Lisa!

Leannethom85 · 01/01/2021 03:02

There's a reason why the saying is called man's best friend, pretty sure another is 1 man and his dog.. The dog will be like his baby, he's bonded with it since it was a pup, even if you got a pup of your own it won't be that dog will it? Not the dogs fault they split up and it break the dogs heart If your man stopped visiting him, dogs have no concept of breakups

MiddleClassMother · 01/01/2021 03:15

I couldn't leave my dog either, they become your children! Unless you're a pet owner it will be super weird though. Don't be jealous and just let him be, maybe come and walk the dog with him?