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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you date someone who shared custody of a dog with his ex?

118 replies

LanaLielaLie · 31/12/2020 08:42

He’s obsessed with this dog and claims he needs it in his life. Therefore, once a week he goes over to the house he still owns with his ex and let’s himself in, gets the dog out of the cage and takes it for a walk. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit wary of this? I’m finding myself being jealous over a fucking dog 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Random789 · 31/12/2020 09:38

I know of a man who got into his ex's home and kidnapped the dog that they had shared when they were a couple. People love their dogs and that can't switch off when a human relationship breaks down.

In the situation the OP describes, I would find it reassuring to see that the couple manage 'access arrangements' in a sensible way. It suggests maturity and a willingness to manage their feelings for the sake of the dog. So it bodes well for the OP's own relationship with the man.

ImRealHonest · 31/12/2020 10:04

Worrying about whether he’d get ‘custody’ of my dogs was one reason I stayed with my ex so long 🙈

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 31/12/2020 10:27

It would make him a lot more attractive to me tbh. If he was a cold enough person to just walk away from a much loved pet because a girlfriend wanted him to or because he split with an ex then I wouldn't be wanting anything long term with him, much less children.

Spidey66 · 31/12/2020 10:35

My dog is my baby. If I split up with my husband, there would definitely be a custody battle!

And as for saying ''get another dog'' you've clearly not had one. It's a bit like saying get another baby!

bloodyhairy · 31/12/2020 10:38

It's a good sign, I think.

a) his ex partner trusts him with the keys to her home.
b) he continues with his caring responsibilities towards the dog.

KarmaStar · 31/12/2020 10:51

You're right,you need to relax,pets are part of our families,if you can't accept that then walk away.

Floralnomad · 31/12/2020 10:54

I’d be more concerned about him still owning a house with another woman and would be judging them both for having a dog in a cage , the actual desire of him to stay in contact with his dog would be ok .

MrsOmelette · 31/12/2020 11:00

I’d be put of him by the Disny-pet-owning! Once a week for a dog he adores? That’s pathetic. If my husband and I did break up the dog would stay with me in the home she is used to but my husband would take fully joint responsibility just like he would with the children. Whatever timetable it worked out as, I would not accept one walk a week for him to take lots of photos of and pretends he “adores” the dog. Tread carefully as this shows the type of man he is.

MrsOmelette · 31/12/2020 11:01

Put off him.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2020 11:16

I love dogs so much .Have a lovely girl of my own .What about Ant and his partner ? Didnt they share custody of the pooch? Or Jim Carrey who shared custody of his 2 Great Danes? YABU!

MyNameHasBeenTaken · 31/12/2020 11:20

Slightly different, but a friend of mine split from his wife while their kids were still school aged.
The dog was roughly the same age as youngest child.
They had split custody of the 3 "kids". 2 boys and one dog.
The dog went with the kids.
Seemed to work for them.

annevonkleve · 31/12/2020 11:21

No, but because of the dog, not because he was still in touch with his ex.

parsnipsnotsprouts · 31/12/2020 11:22

No

cariadlet · 31/12/2020 11:26

I'd see it as a point in his favour that he loved the dog and still wanted to see it. I'd look down on a man who could forget about his dog in the same way that I'd look down on a man who could forget about his kids.

MrsHugsxx · 31/12/2020 11:29

I've been there and I dumped him. There was a long list of reasons but this was the main one. Overnight stays included when seeing his dogs, he was taking the piss. I think if you and your ex husband/ wife can't get on and it's causing stress to your life, the best thing to do is let the dog go.

goodwinter · 31/12/2020 11:31

@bloodyhairy

It's a good sign, I think.

a) his ex partner trusts him with the keys to her home.
b) he continues with his caring responsibilities towards the dog.

Totally agree. I'd respect him for it. Where is the jealousy coming from OP?
TipsieM · 31/12/2020 11:33

No, I'd like that.

  1. His ex trusts him enough for this kind of arrangement.
  1. He clearly loves his dog, which is nice.
OwlBasket · 31/12/2020 11:33

I know several people who have shared care of their dogs after splitting, some have been doing it for years and others are more recently split. It’s admirable.

Thing is, they all have a different set up to your BF - 50:50 care or near as dsmn it. 60:40 max. The once a week walk palvava is odd and might concern me, actual shared care is a good thing.

TipsieM · 31/12/2020 11:33

Which is nice=means he isn't an absolute nut job.

paulhollywoodshairgel · 31/12/2020 11:46

Sounds like the ex isn't even there when he goes to see the dog? I think this is just a guy who loves and misses his dog! I wouldn't worry

PlumsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 31/12/2020 11:49

I think it's a good sign

vanillandhoney · 31/12/2020 11:49

I think it's an excellent sign.

I wouldn't walk away from my dog. I had to leave cats behind once and it was absolutely hideous.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2020 11:54

I stayed with my ex until he moved away temporarily so I could get custody of the dog. Every dog will now always in my name. As the sahm it makes sense but the all important microchip is registered to me.

Your dp loves his dog. It’s odd. But it’s only once a week.

DivGirl · 31/12/2020 12:10

My neighbour has 50/50 custody of a dog and the poor thing seems so distressed all the time. I can tell when it’s not there within 20 minutes because that’s the only time I can’t hear barking.

So what he would do if that situation arose would be interesting but I don’t think the current arrangement would be any real issue. Getting so involved with someone who just left their ex is a different story though.

ThirstyGhost · 31/12/2020 12:12

He goes up in my estimations because of this. Someone who properly loves a pet is always (IMO) a good sign. Totally get why it would seem strange if you've not had a dog of your own though. But he's right - it's nothing to do with feelings for his ex. I'd be a wee bit anxious about dating someone who has only been split for such a short time from their ex but if he's giving you no other reasons to worry then all is good with the dog here!