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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect to be paid back?

115 replies

Dogswotsits · 30/12/2020 19:59

A neighbour from down the road asked in the road’s Facebook group for somebody to pop to the shops to buy some bits due to self isolating a week ago, don’t know her really but wanted to help - said she would post cash (£6ish) through when out and about which was 5 or 6 days ago. Nothing received - AIBU to remind her?

OP posts:
rookgizzardpie · 31/12/2020 19:02

it’s £6, let it go. If you truly can’t afford to lose £6, you wouldn’t have lent it

Mollymissy · 31/12/2020 19:05

I would just write it off, but never agree again to help

RandomLondoner · 31/12/2020 19:14

I would hope no child of mine would find it appropriate to knock on someone's door to demand money back!

What's wrong with that? (Assuming by "demand" you meant politely ask.)

Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 19:48

@RandomLondoner

I would hope no child of mine would find it appropriate to knock on someone's door to demand money back!

What's wrong with that? (Assuming by "demand" you meant politely ask.)

It's just beyond rude. Putting the person on the spot (what if they don't have it? ) I'm cringing thinking about it
toocold54 · 31/12/2020 20:01

It's just beyond rude. Putting the person on the spot (what if they don't have it? ) I'm cringing thinking about it

They shouldn’t have asked someone to go shopping for them if they didn’t have the money to pay them back.

I personally would message her first in case it has slipped her mind but she could be a piss taker which I would definitely then be knocking on her door.

Wheresmykimchi · 31/12/2020 20:04

@toocold54

It's just beyond rude. Putting the person on the spot (what if they don't have it? ) I'm cringing thinking about it

They shouldn’t have asked someone to go shopping for them if they didn’t have the money to pay them back.

I personally would message her first in case it has slipped her mind but she could be a piss taker which I would definitely then be knocking on her door.

But things change , it's odd times. I cant imagine IRL anyone actually would do that.
Paisley2018 · 31/12/2020 20:04

I agree it was rude of her to not pay you back. For all she knows, that could have been your last £6.
If I wasn’t really needing the money I would leave it be and never do her a favour again.

museumsandgalleries666 · 31/12/2020 20:09

Respond on the road Facebook group, reminding her of the debt, suggest ways to pay it back etc. If it's on the road group neighbours will be aware she's a slack payer next time she asks for a favour

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 31/12/2020 20:10

If she asked you over WhatsApp the easiest thing to do is to send her a direct WhatsApp message and ask if she'd prefer to reimburse the £6 via cash through your door or a bank transfer/PayPal.

mantlepiece · 31/12/2020 20:10

No YANBU. You have put yourself out for a neighbour, she should not only pay you back but also say thank you for your time given for free.

Remind her.

These situations leave a nasty taste and will certainly make you wary of helping other people.

If she has genuinely forgotten she will not mind you jogging her memory, if she is a chancer she should be pulled up about this., otherwise she will go on doing it to other people.

In any case that money is yours not hers, no matter the amount or whether you can stand the loss.

Remind her.

AndAPartridgeInABearTree · 31/12/2020 20:11

Facebook Messenger not WhatsApp sorry!

Iflyaway · 31/12/2020 20:12

@Iflyaway

You live on the continent? I presume you mean in Europe. In the UK, which incidentally is also in the continent of Europe, many shops are now taking cash or card payments.

@Calmandmeasured1

No need to be bitchy.

toocold54 · 31/12/2020 20:32

But things change , it's odd times. I cant imagine IRL anyone actually would do that.

I agree but then it’s up to the lady who borrowed the money to message op and explain and say when she will be able to pay the money back. And why is it that op should go without because of the lady’s situation what about ops situation

Barney60 · 31/12/2020 20:50

greyskyclouds...i dont "do" internet banking, my daughter and her husband dont either, none of us are behind the times, they both hold down good jobs, quite a lot of people i know dont use it, by choice.

WombatChocolate · 31/12/2020 20:56

This thing about it being ‘only £6...’ and the suggestion that either someone shouldn’t ask for ‘just’ £6 back (as if it infers some kind of poverty on yourself...or stinginess to want it back) or that it’s almost okay not to pay it back if it’s a small amount....NO! Missing the point totally.

If you give/lend money to a close friend, your relationship with each other and financial things might determine whether you repay the money or just take it in turns to pay for things, or one person always pays...or whatever. All fine if it’s all understood.

Here we are talking about a neighbour/stranger. They have responded to a request for help and gone out if their way with time and also been prepared to find the purchase from their own purse. That money should certainly be offered back to the Op, totally regardless of the amount. It is money the neighbour needed to spend and the Op essentially lent it to a stranger. The neighbour did not ask for a hand-out or a purchase to be funded, simply for someone to go to the shops for them. Giving money or funding as a form of charity if someone can’t find themselves is a different kind of help to providing practical help in terms of purchasing, but the person needing help having the ability to fund the purchase themself.

As the Op ‘signed up’ to carry out a practical task of shopping and not to funding or gifting a purchase, they absolutely can expect the money back or at least offered. That was the basis on which the help was given. Of course Op should not have to ask for the money, but if several days have passed and the neighbour has been seen out and about and made no effort to return the money, then asking for it is perfectly fine.

Asking for that money can be totally non-confrontational by text, note through the door etc....various possibilities to return the money can be offered making it easier for neighbour to do so. Most people would feel a bit uncomfortable to knock on the door and ask for the money....but of course that wouldn’t be wrong, if rather ‘in your face’ for many people. And the amount is irrelevant. Do some people think it would be worse or better to knock and ask for £50 instead of £6, or to send a note for a larger amount rather than £6.

Op could just decide it’s all too awkward to text, WhatsApp or drop a note. That would be a shame because it obviously has played on her mind or she wouldn’t have posted here. By not responding she will be left feeling a bit irritated and probably less likely to help someone again.

In the end, is it best to not ask for the money but be left with a bitter feeling and to have list your faith in humanity a bit and be less likely to help someone in future? Or is it better to bite the bullet and send a friendly text, which in all likelihood will receive a response of an apology for tardiness followed by speedy return of the money..perhaps a friendship with this neighbour will develop or perhaps the Op will be encouraged to help other people in future ...and the world is a better place. And that’s all for the sake of just sending a text.

There is nothing wrong in asking for the return of money which was effectively lent to a stranger. Some people seem to think that would be a source of shame,e specially if a small sum. Unless you volunteered to actually gift the purchase rather than just make a visit to the shop, returning the money (ideally upfront) but if not pretty quickly after, really is part of the deal. Those who want to avail themselves of neighbours’ kindnesses should make sure they pay back cash if that’s part of the arrangement and they should be held to it....not just because they owe the money but because if people aren’t held to it, the basis of people being willing to help people like this is quickly eroded. So it’s not just about the £6 itself, but the principle for the Op and the bigger principle for a society where people need neighbourly help and we want neighbours to be willing to provide it.

Fine not to knock on the door. Definitely don’t shame the person on Facebook, but a quick private WhatsApp or text or note which is a friendly reminder is more than absolutely fine..it’s also helping neighbourly support continue into the future.

tommyhoundmum · 31/12/2020 20:57

I manage quite happily without a mobile but use a computer and bank by phone or branch.

YANBU expecting to be repaid. I would too.

LucyWF · 31/12/2020 20:59

I think it’s rude because you don’t know her very well.

MinervaSaidThar · 31/12/2020 22:03

Definitely get your money back. It's good practice for being assertive.

Mamanyt · 31/12/2020 23:38

IF she has become sick, then it would certainly be unreasonable to expect that money back immediately. However, it certainly is not unreasonable to expect it back as soon as she can, nor to remind her gently (at least, gently the first time).

Mamanyt · 31/12/2020 23:39

And since I do my best proofreading/editing after hitting "Send," since she is on Facebook, you can PM her. Do not do this publicly.

MissMarks · 31/12/2020 23:43

Maybe she doesn’t have it. Maybe she didn’t have food and was too proud to say and did it this way rather than go to the food bank.

Calmandmeasured1 · 01/01/2021 00:55

"You live on the continent? I presume you mean in Europe. In the UK, which incidentally is also in the continent of Europe, many shops are now taking cash or card payments.*

@Calmandmeasured1

No need to be bitchy
I'm not. I'm educating you. Grin

SallyB392 · 01/01/2021 08:28

Neither my husband or I have internet banking, and guess what.......We manage very well without!

With regards to the OP, YANU, however my guess is that with all that has happened over the last few days, christmas, etc., she has genuinely forgotten.

Asking for the money is perfectly reasonable, but will probably m make her feel devastated, as well as embarrassed. Could you gift her this with true generosity, and say nothing?

userxx · 01/01/2021 08:34

@SallyB392 How do you keep track of your spending and balances without online banking? I was only saying to my mum the other day remember mini statements from the atm's, I genuinely thought they were a thing of the past.

stoneysongs · 01/01/2021 09:09

"You live on the continent? I presume you mean in Europe. In the UK, which incidentally is also in the continent of Europe..."

@Calmandmeasured1

"On the continent" means something different from "in Europe" or "in the continent of Europe", so your rather supercilious correction of @Iflyaway here is actually wrong.

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