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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect to be paid back?

115 replies

Dogswotsits · 30/12/2020 19:59

A neighbour from down the road asked in the road’s Facebook group for somebody to pop to the shops to buy some bits due to self isolating a week ago, don’t know her really but wanted to help - said she would post cash (£6ish) through when out and about which was 5 or 6 days ago. Nothing received - AIBU to remind her?

OP posts:
Fuckingcrustybread · 30/12/2020 20:58

@Dogswotsits. Yes, of course you should ask her again, you've spent the money and she needs to repay you. Ignore all the storytellers and ageist strange people. You spent money on her, she owes you money . No question about that.

BananaPop2020 · 30/12/2020 21:01

@GreySkyClouds I have given up. She just does not want to know and is stuck in the past. She won’t entertain direct debit payments, contactless transactions, email, or anything similar. For example, even though she is in her mid 70’s, she insists on paying ‘the rates’ (council tax) over the counter at the Civic Centre.

Sparklesocks · 30/12/2020 21:02

Perfectly reasonable to give her a nudge. It might have genuinely slipped her mind.

SilverBirchWithout · 30/12/2020 21:07

I’m so irritated on your behalf.
When we were self-isolating waiting for (fortunately negative) results an acquaintance kindly picked up a click and collect order for me. I’d paid so no cost to her, but I bought her a bunch of flowers a few days later to say thanks.
That’s what most people do, I like to think this person may have just forgotten. Whether or not £6 is a small amount to you, this person doesn’t know your financial circumstances and needs to do the responsible thing. You were kind and helpful when she needed it most, don’t let this change your future behaviour or embarrass you for asking.

Santaisonhiswaytoday · 30/12/2020 21:10

YANBU to want to be paid. A friendly reminder message to her as she could have forgotten

MoreLikeThis · 30/12/2020 21:10

She probably just forgotten and would welcome a reminder. If any friends forget they owe me money I remind them. I would want to be reminded if I had forgotten. I don’t get why it should be embarrassing.

ForChristsSake · 30/12/2020 21:23

It's happened to me twice! I don't offer anymore

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 21:30

@SilverBirchWithout

I’d writer a ‘friendly’ pm. Asking her how she was now and hope she managed to have a good Christmas, and other general chat. Maybe finish off with a sentence about if it is easier to reimburse the £6 by bank transfer you could send her your bank details. Give it a couple of days and then knock on her door with a cheery hello ‘just thought I’d save you the hassle as I was just passing...’

There is CF on our local Facebook group who regularly asks for favours from the community, I’ve never got involved - but I’ve noticed no one seems to reply anymore, I guess she’s done the same as your neighbour!

Do not knock on her door Shock
MrsClatterbuck · 30/12/2020 21:42

[quote BananaPop2020]@GreySkyClouds I have given up. She just does not want to know and is stuck in the past. She won’t entertain direct debit payments, contactless transactions, email, or anything similar. For example, even though she is in her mid 70’s, she insists on paying ‘the rates’ (council tax) over the counter at the Civic Centre.[/quote]
Sure we don't have the same mother. Doesn't entertain direct debits and wants to pay by cheque. Up until 8 years ago she got her pension by cheque which then had to be taken to the post office to be cashed. I managed to persuade her to open a post office account for her pension. She refused for it to go directly into her bank account. When applying for AA the social worker couldn't believe that she got her pension in the form of a cheque. At least I now have a mandate on her account plus a debit card which makes paying for things so much easier. I now pay the rates at the post office with a card I have for her post office account in my name.

rosegoldwatcher · 30/12/2020 21:45

@Wheresmykimchi - why can't the OP knock on her door? Postie/Hermes/Amazon do that and stand well back - no problem.

You are more likely to shame her into repaying her debt by confronting her (in a friendly way) face to face, or if you don't feel able to do that, with an actual phone call.
Messages and texts can be too easily ignored.

dottiedaisee · 30/12/2020 21:48

I am reverse ..I have Covid and a dear friend of mine did some shopping for me and spent about £30 . I have messaged her twice for her bank details and she has said not to worry until I am better! I am very cross because she is a low earner with a beautiful kind heart ❤️ . As soon as I am well enough I shall be putting the money in an envelope and popping it in through her door! Maybe your friend is still self isolating or has literally forgotten...give her another week and see what happens.

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 21:49

[quote rosegoldwatcher]**@Wheresmykimchi* - why can't the OP* knock on her door? Postie/Hermes/Amazon do that and stand well back - no problem.

You are more likely to shame her into repaying her debt by confronting her (in a friendly way) face to face, or if you don't feel able to do that, with an actual phone call.
Messages and texts can be too easily ignored.[/quote]
You're assuming this is a deliberate malicious act. You have no idea the circumstances. Why would you want to shame or confront her?

RealllyThough · 30/12/2020 21:53

@livefornaps

All that for six quid?
All what for 6 quid? She went to the shop and helped this person when they needed it and they're wondering whether to ask for it back. It's hardly like they've done anything huge to try and get it back? So, all what?

Also, 6 quid isn't a negligible amount of money for a lot of people.

rosegoldwatcher · 30/12/2020 21:53

You're assuming this is a deliberate malicious act. You have no idea the circumstances. Why would you want to shame or confront her?

@Wheresmykimchi - you are right, I was assuming that. Bad suggestion on my part.

Anusername · 30/12/2020 22:02

I’d think it’s a bit awkward to mention it since it’s only 6 pounds...

HollowTalk · 30/12/2020 22:03

If you hardly know her, then she hardly knows you and should be doing whatever she can to pay you - preferably in advance.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 30/12/2020 22:03

I would probably just leave it if it was me. I understand that it's the principle more than the amount lent. You did something kind and you expected her to repay you promptly.

Reminding her and giving your bank details is a good idea. If she doesn't give it to you after that, you don't really have an option other than to leave it and let it go.

Twillow · 30/12/2020 22:07

a) it's the principle and
b) I work for around 45 minutes to earn £6 on minimum wage!
I suspect she's taking advantage.
Friendly message first then maybe even ask direct on the facebook page - as you say, she's been out and about so not even the excuse of can't get to a cashpoint.

WombatChocolate · 30/12/2020 22:12

This was not a good friend. It was a neighbour - so a loose contact. When you ask a loose contact/neighbour/colleague to do you a favour which involves them spending their own money, you ensure you RAPIDLY repay them and thank them for their kindness. It does not matter if it is £1 or £100.

It is poor form and rude behaviour to have either not quickly paid the money back or not made contact to explain when it will be appearing and apologise for the delay. OP is not being churlish or mean in wondering where the money or this contact is.

Personally, I would send a message by text or drop a note through the door with the bank details as an alternative if cash is tricky. However, you shouldn’t have to do this.

If this were a good friend, things would be quite different. However, it is this kind of response to a neighbourly kindness that makes people not offer or think twice about helping someone out.

Some people are lacking in social skills. They don’t seem to realise that you pay a neighbour back speedily or make contact to explain a delay, regardless of the amount of money. Clearly from the responses on this thread, some people decide that is a sum of money is small, it doesn’t need re-paying, or that if someone offers it, it should be turned down.

Essentially, this neighbour has now put herself in a position where it will be very hard to ask Op for help again, or if she does, Op really will think twice. She certainly will struggle to ask for more significant help with a positive response.

If I had shopped for a neighbour, I would expect them to bring me or arrange to repay the money speedily regardless of amount. If it was a small amount, I might be happy to say there was no need, but Iwoukd take it when offered, because I understand that the nature of neighbourly favour isn’t quite the same as that between good friends. Often someone only feels they can ask for the favour if they are sure they will be able to repay the money spent, or return the favour. To refuse to accept the money could make the neighbour feel awkward or as if they could never ask again.

Certainly ask for the money. It doesnt have to be done in a snipey way. And if the money is quickly forthcoming, just move on and forget about it. But if it’s still not forthcoming or some communication about it, I probably would feel quite annoyed about it. It really isn’t about the sum, but simply that if you ask a relative stranger to spend their own money for you, regardless if the sum, you ensure you repay it quickly.

Lady089 · 30/12/2020 22:14

If she’s isolating, surely she shouldn’t be out posting money? PayPal/Bank Transfer would be the number 1 choice.

WombatChocolate · 30/12/2020 22:19

You can mention it regardless of the amount of money. Goodness, if it had been a much larger sum and it hadn’t been repaid, it would be a serious concern/scam rather than just a rudeness.

I notice most supermarkets now do a card system which allows people to buy a gift card that their neighbour or friend uses when shopping for them, to avoid this kind of thing happening. In future, say you’ll call for the money on the way to the shop. During Covid, as well as lots of instances of huge kindnesses being done, there have also been lots of threads about things like this where people have been rude, or ungrateful (refusing to reimburse neighbours for shopping they have done when an item hasn’t been exactly what they hoped for) or manipulative or exploitative in a few cases. It’s a shame. People continue to do kindnesses for each other when they aren’t taken advantage of. It’s important to be able to ask for a favour, but when it involves reimbursing money, the money should be offered upfront or certainly repaid very promptly.

Raerae7 · 30/12/2020 22:28

@rosegoldwatcher

You're assuming this is a deliberate malicious act. You have no idea the circumstances. Why would you want to shame or confront her?

@Wheresmykimchi - you are right, I was assuming that. Bad suggestion on my part.

Even if it wasn't a deliberate thing, it's still fine to knock on someone's door to ask for the money that they owe you! Hardly like you're performing a repossession, just a friendly request...
Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 22:33

@Raerae7

I don't think that's a normal thing to do.

Wheresmykimchi · 30/12/2020 22:34

@rosegoldwatcher

You're assuming this is a deliberate malicious act. You have no idea the circumstances. Why would you want to shame or confront her?

@Wheresmykimchi - you are right, I was assuming that. Bad suggestion on my part.

We would all handle it differently Rose - that's the nature of it. Xmas Smile
ruby4ever · 30/12/2020 22:41

I'd be annoyed and it's the principle not the amount of money. Little things like that would annoy a lot of people and in future would prevent them from helping out again