To expect to be paid back?

[Dogswotsits]

A neighbour from down the road asked in the road’s Facebook group for somebody to pop to the shops to buy some bits due to self isolating a week ago, don’t know her really but wanted to help - said she would post cash (£6ish) through when out and about which was 5 or 6 days ago. Nothing received - AIBU to remind her?

I wouldn’t assume it was malicious.....just a sign of no social skills, given the person has been seen about in the neighbourhood, rather than being bed-bound.

My personal choice wouldn’t be to knock on the door and ask for the money (although there would be nothing wrong in doing this) but instead a quick text or note dropped through. Anyone can forget something like this.....personally, I’d try really hard not to forget to repay money to someone I didn’t know well, who had out themselves out for me and done me a big favour when I was in a fix....but I can see it could slip someone’s mind. Therefore, I wouldn’t dwell on it or fret about if it ask or not, just get on and do it....in a friendly and non snippy kind of way..not trying to make it a big issue. I’d expect the money to quickly appear. Issue solved. If it still didn’t, I would be quite shocked to be honest. I wouldn’t pursue it further if it was £6 .....but I would be peeved about it. Again I don’t think I’d dwell on it but be disappointed by the behaviour. But what about if it were £15 or £50 or £100? What about if I had spent that money and actually it was leaving me a bit short...because often those hardest up are those who do favours. At what point should you pursue it beyond the friendly note?

@WombatChocolate

I wouldn’t assume it was malicious.....just a sign of no social skills, given the person has been seen about in the neighbourhood, rather than being bed-bound.

My personal choice wouldn’t be to knock on the door and ask for the money (although there would be nothing wrong in doing this) but instead a quick text or note dropped through. Anyone can forget something like this.....personally, I’d try really hard not to forget to repay money to someone I didn’t know well, who had out themselves out for me and done me a big favour when I was in a fix....but I can see it could slip someone’s mind. Therefore, I wouldn’t dwell on it or fret about if it ask or not, just get on and do it....in a friendly and non snippy kind of way..not trying to make it a big issue. I’d expect the money to quickly appear. Issue solved. If it still didn’t, I would be quite shocked to be honest. I wouldn’t pursue it further if it was £6 .....but I would be peeved about it. Again I don’t think I’d dwell on it but be disappointed by the behaviour. But what about if it were £15 or £50 or £100? What about if I had spent that money and actually it was leaving me a bit short...because often those hardest up are those who do favours. At what point should you pursue it beyond the friendly note?

I agree in principle and neighbour needs to pay up. But I honestly can't envision even if I knew them knocking on the door and asking for it back?

I’d say the fact she has had to go on Facebook to ask virtual strangers to go to the shops for her probably suggests that she has no close friends or family to ask. Wonder why that might be..........?

But I also said I wouldn’t knock on the door and ask for it back. Of course you shouldn’t have to. You shouldn’t have to text or send a note either....but I’d do that as less confrontational than knocking and asking for it. I certainly wouldn’t be going on Facebook to ask for the money or making a big thing of it....although if it was a larger sum, I would pursue it if it wasn’t forthcoming after a friendly reminder.

There’s a balance here. There’s no need to be confrontational or go for public shaming on Facebook, or furious demands on the doorstep, but there’s also no need to ignore it totally and not say a word...especially if you feel the money should be repaid, as I think most do. There is a middle ground, of a polite, friendly and non-confrontational reminder which possibly gives a couple of options of how to repay the money.

People seem to either be aggressive in their responses to this kind of thing, or doormats and unable to voice a request. Personally, if I feel something is right (and I do think the money should be repaid and a reminder isn’t rude at all) then I will find a way to communicate it appropriately....that’s just about getting the tone and method and wording right, whilst also not allowing it to become a huge issue in my own mind. This kind of balance and willingness to communicate in life, without being aggressive or a doormat is vital surely!

[quote Wheresmykimchi]@Raerae7

I don't think that's a normal thing to do.[/quote]
Why? 🤷‍♀️

@Raerae7

Knocking on someone's door is really intrusive. And if she is in difficulty of some form and it's slipped her mind OP would not look good.

Honestly guessing she’s just forgotten. It’s been a rough year and it’s Christmas time so I’d either let it go or ask her for it if you need it.

I'd ask for it back. You were kind in helping and she should've sent it by now or at least messages to say she would ASAP.
Message to say, 'hope you're well, you can send money via these details.
Thanks and stay safe.'
Nicey nice but gets the point across. It's the principle of it.

Yes of course remind her.

Why is knocking on someone’s door intrusive?

It isnt in principle Banana, but some people don't like their door being knocked on unexpectedly. Me being one! For a number of reasons.

OP absolutely should have her money back, I just don't like the idea of knocking on someone's door and asking for it, but that's just me.

Fair enough, one of my biggest personal quirks that I need to overcome is presuming that everyone is as assertive as me 🙂 . I don’t have any issue with door knocking, and part of me feels society is becoming increasingly paranoid re this sort of thing, which is a shame.

@BananaPop2020

Fair enough, one of my biggest personal quirks that I need to overcome is presuming that everyone is as assertive as me 🙂 . I don’t have any issue with door knocking, and part of me feels society is becoming increasingly paranoid re this sort of thing, which is a shame.

Not paranoid, just accepting of other things.

I have horrendous anxiety and don't like my door knocked. My friend barging in my back garden with a cheery HELLO is fine , but people I don't know? Nah. Even the postie gives me the fear.

@Hermanfromguesswho

Just drop her a text saying ‘would it be ok to transfer the money instead of putting money through the letter box please? Here are my bank details’

Nice!

@Iflyaway

Maybe they are still self isolating or just haven't been out to the bank yet.

Surely everyone has internet banking now?!

No they really don't. There are many many people who have no home access to the internet or have no digital skills.

[quote BananaPop2020]@Iflyaway it’s quite a big problem. My mum, for example, refuses to use the Internet and doesn’t even have a mobile. Also, if people lack ID and proof of address they can forget it. Therefore, if you are homeless and need to claim benefits, this can be a real issue. I do recall recently reading about a bank who were beginning to take a more flexible approach but I can’t remember who![/quote]
HSBC. They now offer accounts to people with no address or proof of ID

Surely everyone has internet banking now?!
I know loads of people who don't use internet banking (just because they don't want to).

@Iflyaway

In fact, the supermarkets (only things open, plus pharmacies) won't even take cash anymore, due to Covid.
You live on the continent? I presume you mean in Europe. In the UK, which incidentally is also in the continent of Europe, many shops are now taking cash or card payments.

I also worry if more of society is seeing having their door knocked as intrusive, or feeling it would be rude to knock at the door of someone else.

Basic communication is vital to the smooth running of society. There are often lots of different possible ways to do it, but communicate we must. Some people might have issues surrounding this, but these shouldn't be suggested as normal or to be encouraged. It's actually really important that children and teenagers learn how to speak appropriately to strangers, to shop staff, to deal appropriately with difficult issues or conflict and to respond to others who might speak appropriately or inappropriately. It's a vital life skill and whilst some people struggle in this area, we really don't want to normalise it and head towards a society of people who cannot communicate.

Lots of people lack confidence and fear even a hint of conflict. It often then resulted in mis communication and misunderstanding and could often be avoided. Quite how people manage in the workplace or wider life if they are never prepared to speak to those they don't really know, ask a question or pose a polite challenge to a situation, I really do t know.

I'm part of a community group shopping etc for those that can't get out and no not everyone has internet banking (not everyone even has a bank account) not everyone can use it etc and it's only been a few days.

5 or 6 days isn’t a long time IMO.

Maybe send her another message to ask her how she is doing? Instead of jumping straight onto the money. It’s tacky and rude.

@WombatChocolate

I also worry if more of society is seeing having their door knocked as intrusive, or feeling it would be rude to knock at the door of someone else.

Basic communication is vital to the smooth running of society. There are often lots of different possible ways to do it, but communicate we must. Some people might have issues surrounding this, but these shouldn't be suggested as normal or to be encouraged. It's actually really important that children and teenagers learn how to speak appropriately to strangers, to shop staff, to deal appropriately with difficult issues or conflict and to respond to others who might speak appropriately or inappropriately. It's a vital life skill and whilst some people struggle in this area, we really don't want to normalise it and head towards a society of people who cannot communicate.

Lots of people lack confidence and fear even a hint of conflict. It often then resulted in mis communication and misunderstanding and could often be avoided. Quite how people manage in the workplace or wider life if they are never prepared to speak to those they don't really know, ask a question or pose a polite challenge to a situation, I really do t know.

This is irrelevant.

I would hope no child of mine would find it appropriate to knock on someone's door to demand money back!

It’s not cheeky at all, I would go and knock. @Dogswotsits our WhatsApp group is very similar and has someone asking for the same, I just ignored it, didn’t want to point out that she had been at the end of the road gossiping the day before so clearly not self isolating that much, it sometimes feels like the group was created solely by her for attention...

YANBU - just optimistic!

I’m shocked by how many people think £6 is nothing!

Do not let it go OP £6 is a lot of money to lose. As you’ve seen her out I would message her and ask her if she would prefer to transfer the money to your account, many people don’t do online banking so she may not be able to but it will remind her that she owes you it - it could have genuinely slipped her mind.

Leave it a couple more days afterwards and then start getting annoyed.