To ask when the broodiness went away for good?

[Goostacean]

We’ve got two lovely children but literally since the moment DC2 was born, I’ve been broody for a third.

I’m certain I don’t want 4, and for various practical reasons (job, accommodation, cost) even 3 would be a push. Also, having two is hard work in itself! The baby is over 1 and I’m still up once a night every night. They’re boisterous, gorgeous children and I want to give them the best we can.

If you wanted 3 but stuck with 2, or even if you just have one fewer than you’d have liked, when did the broodiness go away?? Would love to be able to close the chapter and move on but I’m borderline obsessing over it and it’s been a LONG time.

Is a child a need though? Or a want?

@Fortherosesjoni70

Is a child a need though? Or a want?

Its not a need. It's a want. For many people its a very very strong want which can become all-consuming. But it isn't a biological need.

For that reason I think its entirely understandable that people want to fulfil the urge to reproduce and have children that they will love and care for. But I have less sympathy when people who already have several children convince themselves they desperately "need" yet another one. Clearly no-one agrees with me here but I think that's a want.

To the extent that you can support multiple additional children then that's fine, go for it.

But you see so many threads on here this is not the most egregious example by any stretch where an OP who already has 3 or 4 kids comes on saying "I desperately want another child, we can't afford one, DH doesn't want one, what do I do?" I'm afraid I feel like saying "knock some sense into yourself. Everything is screaming at you that this is a lousy idea. Just learn to let it go and deal with it. You'll be OK."

If yet another child threatens your security, your livelihood, your health, your marriage, etc, face up to the fact that its not a good idea and be honest about it. Rather than pretend its some calling which needs to be answered like joining the priesthood or something, and that everyone else in your family needs to go along with it come hell or high water.

I’m 46 and have 3 DCs. Youngest is 10. I still fantasise about having a 4th although I know it would be foolish. I think it’s my hormones and hope it will stop when I go through the menopause,

I stopped feeling broody the second I gave birth to my son. The idea that anyone pops out a baby and instantly wants to do it again seems absolutely insane to me. Or has a toddler and decides to go again. Madness!

I think that’s the point of broodiness though; isn’t it the irrational desire to have a child? It’s essentially never a good idea to have a child, rationally speaking. They’re risky, expensive, and pretty bad for your health.

You’re bloody right @WalkingOnStarshine and yet here I am 😭

I always knew I wanted to have children from when I was a little girl. By the time I was in my early twenties it became a significant urge but sooo not convenient when studying medicine at university. I got married at 25 and had a baby at 27 who was intended to be the first of several (I wanted six ideally but compromised on three due to reality and my ex wanting only two really).

Unfortunately my ex turned out to be abusive and we split for good when my child was 4. He’s 13 now and I have desperately wanted more for a long time (but difficult with no partner). This is despite having been sectioned due to puerperal psychosis so not exactly a logical desire, it’s 50/50 that I’d end up psychotic again ! I think it might have been a slightly less desperate urge to have more if the marriage had been hunky dory (I think part of it is wanting to do the whole thing “properly” with a nonabusive partner and not in a psych ward/mother and baby unit - having basically missed the first three months of his life as the baby was home with my ex while I was in hospital) but I would still have wanted more.

I still want more children but I’m 41 now and still single and in a bloody pandemic now so prospects of that looking slimmer by the day. I still can’t quite bear to close the door completely on the idea in my mind but I realise at this age and stage it may never happen and for the first time in recent years I’m starting to think I could maybe live with that and look forward to grandchildren (so much pressure on my boy though! Luckily as a young child when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up he always said “a father” so hopefully he will provide me with at least one grandchild eventually - and not too soon 😂 Anyway I wouldn’t say the biological urge to have children has entirely left me yet but it’s definitely lessened in intensity in recent years, and I never thought it would. I do think it’s biological.

For those saying it’s not logical etc I agree! Logically as a single mother who has had puerperal psychosis you’d think I’d not be wanting a child. But you’re wrong!! It’s honestly just like something which takes you over though. I really think it’s biological. Clearly not everyone has it to the same degree but I do think some of us are very broody indeed and I’m not sure it can be helped or that it’s simply a social construct. I feel sure that I could have been brought up in a society where having children was evil and wrong etc and I’d still want to have babies 🤦‍♀️ Just like when you are in labour and you get the urge to push you can’t not push it feels similarly unstoppable. I suspect it’s some inbuilt mechanism to the human races survival!!

I guess I would agree that it’s a want and not a need... It is a very strong want though if you have it!! The kind of want that gamblers experience when they recklessly gamble their last penny away or the kind of want that addicts experience when they know another hit of heroin isn’t a great idea but do it anyway I guess!

@OTannenbaum

I guess I would agree that it’s a want and not a need... It is a very strong want though if you have it!! The kind of want that gamblers experience when they recklessly gamble their last penny away or the kind of want that addicts experience when they know another hit of heroin isn’t a great idea but do it anyway I guess!

I guess I can sort of relate to that -- though I have certainly never experienced an urge to have a child which would over-ride a rational awareness that it wasn't a good idea.

And I'm sorry about your situation which sounds very difficult indeed.

But the reality is there are plenty of situations where having another child is clearly an objectively terrible idea. There are numerous posts on these boards from women in abusive marriages for example where they stay with a man because they think having another baby will "fix" things.

I'm not saying that this applies in the bulk of the cases on this thread. But I do think that when women start feeling broody about "just another one" in these cases its often not healthy. But this sort of woo about broodiness is allowed to take over and is used to excuse bringing more children into a scenario where its clearly unhelpful to all concerned, not least the mother. I'm not naïve enough to think this can be fixed overnight by giving people a bit of a talking to but I think societally its a bit of problem.

I guess I just get frustrated by the idea that "broodiness" is something which you have to sit up and take notice of even when its clearly so self-limiting. By all means think carefully about it and plough on if its sensible but the idea that you can just throw everything away in pursuit of this magical fourth/fifth baby which is going to make everything wonderful again and damn the consequences... its just not very constructive.

I have 3 kids now and I'm 43. The youngest is 2. Every time I see a tiny baby, I want another. But I'm realistic enough to realise that tiny babies grow up into yelling screaming toddlers that throw their food on the floor and trash the house.

I was 33 after having my 4th.

It was a deep want to have dd3 not a need. I dont know why, it was an urge I suppose

But after her the broodiness went away. I knew i was done.

This is an interesting thread. The thing is, how old do you want to be when your youngest is 17? They’ll still need an adult present )if not constantly supervising) and will still need lifts. They’ll have another four years of school / university to go.

If I were to get pregnant now, I would be 43 with a baby (old but doable) and 60 with a 17 year old (no way). So I’m not broody any more.

I have 4 I can honestly say, the second my last was born, I saw her and I just knew I was done. She completed our family perfectly. I was aaaaalways broody before, and worried it would never go away. It was instant!

Occasionally now, I get slight nostalgia for when they were tiny, and miss having a little teeny one (DD is 7) but that’s all it is. The thought of actually having another makes me want to vomit. That’s mostly because I have teens though so I know what they become

I was super broody from 3-4 years after having my 2nd dc. So we had a third, then the broodiness pretty much went away for me, partly because I was knackered and in my late 30s. For DH it never went away, he really wanted a 4th and sometimes I wish we had tried, but I was really scared of something going wrong.

Now I am broody for grandchildren, but hopefully I will have to wait a while!!

You don't understand broodiness?
You don't understand the natural urge to procreate?

Some of us don't, you know. (I've never experienced broodiness myself.) There's no need to be judgey about it.

Some of us don't, you know. (I've never experienced broodiness myself.) There's no need to be judgey about it.

To be fair there was also some judgement against women who do feel broody, so you just can't win.

I was genuinely never broody, just had my two DC with ExP and that was sort of... it, really.

DP scared the shit out of me recently when he said, very gently, 'if your contraception failed, and you did get pregnant, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it?' I just gave him a look and he said 'actually yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?' He's definitely broody. I've told him he's probably only got a few years until he's a grandparent, so he can hang on until then.

It went away about 0.3 seconds after my twins were born when my eldest was only 1!

Will be 44 quite soon, have three ranging in age from 15 to 5.

I still think 'lucky thing' every time I see a pregnant woman, even though I absolutely know I'm done.

The real longing for another child ended once no. 3 was here; that felt like the 'right' number. But there's still that sense of wistfulness for a wonderful, miraculous experience. I think one danger lies n over-interpreting that.

I hate pregnancy, labour and the baby stage.

I had my first two children 18 months apart and never felt done.

Fell pregnant with my third (on purpose) when my second was 2.5.

As soon as I got pregnant the want for further children left me.

Another round of hyper emesis; a baby who was sideways until 28 weeks and pulled my pelvis to pieces. A baby who caught every bug going for 12 months.

The first winter was brutal. Every child and adult in our house was sick on rotation, including a stomach bug on Christmas Eve which morphed into tonsillitis by Boxing Day.

Three is incredibly hard work.

It's easier now they are all of school age, but before then I honestly thought I'd bitten off more than I could chew.

I love all my kids but dividing yourself three ways is almost impossible. Someone is always missing out.

I wouldn't change it now, but if my younger self knew how hard the first few years would be, I would have stuck with two kids.

Being broody is not your body's way of telling you that you need more children, it's a biological urge and nothing more.

Think very practically before you add another child to the family.

I had two children in mid twenties and thought I was done, went back to full time work when kids in school but always had odd urges for another child which I tried to quosh and talk myself out of, then unexpectedly I got pregnant in early 30's. After the shock, and it was a shock as I did not realise until 15 weeks as I had light periods. I realised it was what I always wanted. I have so loved having my youngest child. He is grown up now but still so affectionate and the most thoughtful of all my children. I don't have a favourite, but I do feel closest to my youngest son. He has been an absolute joy in our lives. I am so very glad we had him. Broodiness comes back when you want dgc.

I’ve got a nearly 7 year old and a 5 year old. 21 months between them. Had an early miscarriage when my 5 year old was 2 and still want another. It just doesn’t seem to be happening this time. Family doesn’t feel quite complete but if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen.

I am 34 so I have a few years yet

I get broody and I'm not even sure I should have had the kids I do have because I was barely able to be responsible for myself back when I had them nevermind raise two babies responsibly.

It's got to be hormonal because I'm not fond of pregnancy or babies. I've adopted a cat this time around when the brooding became too much and that's helped loads, less irrational thinking I could just have a third child at 38, disabled and single.

I was still broody at 39 after my third child but resisted because more baby years would have killed me.

For those who have never experienced broodiness, at that point the closest urge equivalent would be like being incredibly horny but the only option is to do it in front of your in laws so you don't do it but can't help thinking about it.

At 43 I held my younger brother's newborn and felt no broodiness. I immediately contacted my best friend to tell her "I am cured!!!!"