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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He wants contact with only one of his kids

92 replies

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 00:59

Hello, Looking for advice.. Started out, I had 2 kids, was separated from the ex... met a guy, he was nice, he got on with my 2 older boys... he had his own place, I was living in Housing association property.. He wanted a family... fast forward a bit, i was pregnant with his child, i got made redundant from my job, we moved in with him as his work was closer to where he lived etc. within 3 months he was getting drunk at weekends as he believed it was his right, and then proceeded to belittle and be quite nasty and vindictive when drunk... by the time baby was 3 months old i told healthcare professionals that i was depressed.. when explained why - they told me that he was being abusive, then when he shoved me in front of the kids, we went to refuge. Then the pattern of making up and breaking up started... he would drink less and be nice, we would get on.. then back together again. We did this until found out was pregnant again... due to the situation.. I must admit had reservations about keeping the baby because we were living separate by that time and felt that I wouldn't cope with 2 little ones alone... He persuaded me to keep it promising that he will be there and his mother would love a second grandchild. fast forward, baby was born, beautiful baby boy with ginger hair like my dad.. then because he doesn't have any immediate family that he knows of that has ginger hair... he believes that it cannot possibly be his son. Despite not having any other relationships.. knowing it can only be his.. I said that if he wasn't sure he should do a DNA test. He has refused continuously to do one. So now we have the situation that I am a single mother, he sees his eldest because there is a court order every other weekend but our other child has no contact because he perceives our beautiful ginger haired baby as a 'Ginger haired fat little b(word)' , going forward, if this stays the same, my eldest with him will have a great relationship with his dad while the baby will grow up without a father in his life and seeing his brother being spoilt by their dad while being abandoned by him. To me the concept is diabolical and awful! We both grew up without a father and know how devastating it is and deeply feel he should have contact with both or not at all :(.. but given his own opinion of our baby... not sure it would be safe for that to happen either. There is a court order in place for the eldest... so stopping contact with the eldest isn't really a possibility... and no court would make him see his second son. Currently at a loss on what to do that is best for both our children.. so opinions and advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:
FestiveStuffing · 28/12/2020 01:03

I don't have any advice, sorry, but do make sure he pays child support for both of them.

Pyewhacket · 28/12/2020 01:04

I sympathise but not sure if there is anything you can do.

SouthJersey · 28/12/2020 01:10

My son-in-law also doubted that his younger two were his because of their ginger hair. DNA tests proved him wrong. I think you might be able to get a court order forcing a DNA test on him. Men can be idiots about these things.

SparklingLime · 28/12/2020 01:18

I very much doubt that your eldest will have a “great” relationship with his father. He sounds seriously abusive and appalling.

KatieGGGG · 28/12/2020 01:22

I really, really think he’d be better off without him.

EatPoopSleepRepeat · 28/12/2020 01:24

Your ex sounds like a waster! I feel more sorry for the child that has to see him than your newborn, he seems lucky to be spared that! The way he speaks about your youngest is disgusting.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice, I know this must be a really difficult situation for you. Noone wants to see their kids being treated differently.

Catsup · 28/12/2020 01:26

Is he paying maintenance for the youngest? The court can order him to have a DNA test, but I think you also really need to raise the fact that not only is he denying the paternity of youngest DS, but that he's refused a DNA to clarify the truth, and is clearly using this as an emotionally abusive and controlling tactic against yourself and both the DS.

Rtmhwales · 28/12/2020 01:33

Honestly I'd stop contact with the older DS. Pursue child maintenance for both.

If he wants to enforce the contact order he can take it to court where you can explain to the judge what is going on and ask for a paternity test. Though if XP is refusing to pay maintenance for DS2 he will have to take one too so that could help.

Please tell me you've applied for CM for both boys?

Yellownotblue · 28/12/2020 01:42

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Catsup · 28/12/2020 01:44

@Yellownotblue Wow, that's an incredibly insightful and helpful judgement that I'm sure OP really appreciates 😒

CorianderQueen · 28/12/2020 01:48

God he's thick isn't he.

ChaoticGouda · 28/12/2020 02:46

The blatant refusal to get a DNA test makes it sound like he definitely has something to hide. I would second pushing forward for him to take the test, but would that really make your boys any happier? Would you like him to say those horrible, untrue things to your baby's face? I'm not saying this to judge, because you seem caught in a situation where your boys are forced to interact with an awful, emotionally hurtful man, but it's worth reconsidering what would really be best. All my luck to you. Flowers

BuntysTwinkle · 28/12/2020 02:49

We live in a fucked up world when a court would - and will - support this dynamic. There's no point taking him back to court - unless for maintenance. He's entitled to see the child he wants to see. He's also entitled to not see the one he doesn't want to see...

In an ideal world he'd be told "you are going to end up fucking with both these children's heads in different ways so just do them a favour and fuck off now". But fathers have rights (to fuck their children's heads up.)

stuffedforchristmas · 28/12/2020 02:55

That's horrific.

I honestly don't know what I'd do.

Is there no family member who can take sense into him?

I would not want to establish paternity and then pack my second child off to spend time with that man. I'd disappear first.

stuffedforchristmas · 28/12/2020 02:55

Not suggesting you disappear. Very bad advice.

Casschops · 28/12/2020 03:20

@Yellownotblue that connent was so helpful....slow hand clap for you Hmm

BritInAus · 28/12/2020 03:37

@Rtmhwales

Honestly I'd stop contact with the older DS. Pursue child maintenance for both.

If he wants to enforce the contact order he can take it to court where you can explain to the judge what is going on and ask for a paternity test. Though if XP is refusing to pay maintenance for DS2 he will have to take one too so that could help.

Please tell me you've applied for CM for both boys?

This.
Original poster
maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 07:52

Yes... he is.. he was worse to me when we were together

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2020 07:57

You could apply to the court to look again at contact. It will be harmful to the eldest to have contact without his little brother. Whether it’s so bad that it justifies losing an otherwise good relationship with his dad, I don’t know.

Have you claimed maintenance for them both?

CakeRequired · 28/12/2020 08:03

Make it very clear to him that you are broken up for good and will never be back together. He'll abandon the other one too, which is for the best to be honest. You don't want an abusive prick in their lives, he is a shit human being and not a suitable father. Sorry but you are on your own raising 4 kids now. He shouldn't be helping.

Original poster
maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 08:20

He doesn't pay maintenance for the youngest as quite basically he has threattened to make my life hell if i do that, revenge porn, apparently the application for CSA for little one is the fist thing in a whole world of nasty events he has planned to inflict pain and mysery etc... I am also assuming it would be the push for him to leave his job... so rocking the boat on that one isn't worth it and no amount of money will cover how much will be lost in pain and hurt at the rest of what he is doing.. .

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/12/2020 08:25

Both kids or none. Simple as that
A court won't think it best for one child to see their father and not the other

Demitri · 28/12/2020 08:35

@RedHelenB

Both kids or none. Simple as that A court won't think it best for one child to see their father and not the other
Unfortunately it’s not as simple as that. He’s not doing anything illegal if he chooses to see one and not the other child. He has a court order for visitation for the older child so op can’t just stop him, unless she goes back to court. Obviously, it’s despicable behaviour but, unfortunately, it’s his right. He does, however, have a legal obligation to pay child maintenance for both his children and I would definitely go after him for that.
Original poster
maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 08:39

CakeRequired - he is a narcassist.. he has disguarded us because I challanged his behaviour and had used me to produce the children he wanted. The older boy looks like him and it suits his ego to parade the older DS around and show what a loving father he can be infront of others. With him making out DS2 is not his... it justifies his behaviour to his friends and family... hence no DNA test.. it would prove him wrong and show what he truly is... but all this doesn't stop what damage he will do long term to his children.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/12/2020 08:40

I'd be protecting the little one from him, frankly. Can you imagine how he'd treat him? What he'd be calling him to his face? Why on earth do you want him to see him?

Though I'd also be scared about what he'd be saying to the older one about his sibling. He's awful.