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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He wants contact with only one of his kids

92 replies

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 00:59

Hello, Looking for advice.. Started out, I had 2 kids, was separated from the ex... met a guy, he was nice, he got on with my 2 older boys... he had his own place, I was living in Housing association property.. He wanted a family... fast forward a bit, i was pregnant with his child, i got made redundant from my job, we moved in with him as his work was closer to where he lived etc. within 3 months he was getting drunk at weekends as he believed it was his right, and then proceeded to belittle and be quite nasty and vindictive when drunk... by the time baby was 3 months old i told healthcare professionals that i was depressed.. when explained why - they told me that he was being abusive, then when he shoved me in front of the kids, we went to refuge. Then the pattern of making up and breaking up started... he would drink less and be nice, we would get on.. then back together again. We did this until found out was pregnant again... due to the situation.. I must admit had reservations about keeping the baby because we were living separate by that time and felt that I wouldn't cope with 2 little ones alone... He persuaded me to keep it promising that he will be there and his mother would love a second grandchild. fast forward, baby was born, beautiful baby boy with ginger hair like my dad.. then because he doesn't have any immediate family that he knows of that has ginger hair... he believes that it cannot possibly be his son. Despite not having any other relationships.. knowing it can only be his.. I said that if he wasn't sure he should do a DNA test. He has refused continuously to do one. So now we have the situation that I am a single mother, he sees his eldest because there is a court order every other weekend but our other child has no contact because he perceives our beautiful ginger haired baby as a 'Ginger haired fat little b(word)' , going forward, if this stays the same, my eldest with him will have a great relationship with his dad while the baby will grow up without a father in his life and seeing his brother being spoilt by their dad while being abandoned by him. To me the concept is diabolical and awful! We both grew up without a father and know how devastating it is and deeply feel he should have contact with both or not at all :(.. but given his own opinion of our baby... not sure it would be safe for that to happen either. There is a court order in place for the eldest... so stopping contact with the eldest isn't really a possibility... and no court would make him see his second son. Currently at a loss on what to do that is best for both our children.. so opinions and advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

Firefliess · 28/12/2020 08:46

What's your relationship with his mother like? Does she accept the baby as her grandson? Would she even agree to a DNA test to check?

Otherwise, I don't think you should just withhold contact, but you could go back to court to try to reduce it on the grounds that it's damaging the sibling relationship for him to only take one boy.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 08:46

Revenge porn? Tell me you have this threat in writing? He can be arrested for that and quit his job? Does he have a mortgage? Universal credit is shit he will need to work

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 08:47

Get a sibling dna done that way he either denies both (bonus for you) or neither

Porridgeoat · 28/12/2020 08:48

Can his family or friends talk sense into him?

maddening · 28/12/2020 08:49

Can you do dna between the siblings? Is it possible to show that they have the same parents?

FestiveStuffing · 28/12/2020 08:49

Have you got any of his threats in writing, OP? Either way I'd be going to the police about the revenge porn and other things he's threatened. Then going for CSM for both.

GreyMary23 · 28/12/2020 08:51

Sorry to be blunt but he sounds vile and utterly thick. What sort of man sees hair colour as a deciding factor in genetics?! If he were truly bothered about his child he would take the DNA test but sadly it seems like he can't be arsed with two little ones.

He really does sound very abusive and unpleasant. I wouldn't be allowing contact with either. They need protecting from him. You really need to be assertive here and stand up the the bully with help from the appropriate services.

Sarahandco · 28/12/2020 08:58

I would refuse the court-ordered contact so that he is forced to go back to court and let the court resolve this. They can force a DNA test or they can rule on whether it is reasonable for one child to be excluded like this.

Original poster

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 08:59

GreyMary23 - Alas a court will not see that he is this... hell, even rapists are allowed contact with their offspring reguardless of the damage to the mother... courts generally support relationships with the father reguardless of what they do.

OP posts:

converseandjeans · 28/12/2020 09:01

maddie I honestly think your youngest is better off without him.

What about your two children with your ex? Have they been affected by the violence & house moves etc?

CakeRequired · 28/12/2020 09:04

@maddieSmall

I get that, hence why he isn't suitable around even his eldest now. He is not a suitable dad, he would be better off away from him.

I would want to speak to a solicitor about getting no contact for both kids, but that will be really difficult to almost impossible to do really. He is abusive to you and you have proof of that, so maybe forcing contact to be in a contact centre with no contact with you would be the best way to go about it? Someone else probably knows more on this.

SatsumasOrClementines · 28/12/2020 09:05

I would be getting this in writing: only speak to him via messages and save all his responses.

Then go back to court.

It’s going to be hard work but you need to protect both your children.

Original poster

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 09:06

Sarahandco - I did wonder if this was an option, but generally it leaves the outcome to a court.. they take a dim view on people not adhering to a court order...

OP posts:

Whatafustercluck · 28/12/2020 09:07

I'm not sure I'd want my son seeing someone like that tbh. I don't think it's any great loss and I'd be worried for the son who is seeing such an abusive arsehole. I'd focus on his welfare and if you have any cause for concern for his wellbeing force the issue back to court.

gutful · 28/12/2020 09:11

I think you need to be your children’s advocate here & stop pandering to this man.

Apply for CS. Even if he quits his job, you should still put in the claim.

Even if he threatens you with a myriad of things, you must put in the claim & let the cards fall where they may.

Him not having any active CS claim gives weight to his silly story that the child is not his. By not putting in a claim, you are choosing to allow him to not have to live in reality.

Even if he quits his job, won’t he owe back pay? He can’t run & hide forever. The important thing is that the claim is in place, more so than the money he provides.

As someone who lives in a shitty council flat in Australia where the wait lists are endless, I would not personally choose leave it to move in with a boyfriend. I hope you have been able to secure new HA accomodation now.

gutful · 28/12/2020 09:14

That is awful advice to go against court contact orders. Unless there is serious risk to the child being physically or sexually harmed you should follow the court orders to a T.

If you do not then how can you expect the courts to support & side with you, when you are essentially making a mockery of the court process?

If you don’t agree with court orders you fight them in court. You don’t act like a tantrumming teenager & refuse to engage. The judge is like the principal & you will get detention for that.

CakeRequired · 28/12/2020 09:16

He can be arrested for that and quit his job? Does he have a mortgage? Universal credit is shit he will need to work

This is a good point, is his house actually his own house, he has a mortgage? If so, apply for csa. If he quits his job, benefits won't pay his mortgage. He'll probably end up homeless unless he manages to rent it out and live with his parents. But at least then they will also see what he is really like, won't even pay for his kids.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 28/12/2020 09:25

Apply for a court order to vary (stop) contact with eldest. Tell court that he has refused to see other son and is threatening revenge porn if you pursue a DNA test, and therefore it is not in the best interests of your eldest son to maintain a relationship with an abuser, given that such a relationship will be damaging to him and to his sibling as they grow up.

Original poster

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 09:26

CakeRequired - yes, he does own his house.. he did have designs on becoming self employed and doing up houses for a living... you know how books for self employed can be fiddled...

OP posts:

CakeRequired · 28/12/2020 09:36

He may have desires to do that, but is he even capable? Apply for csa. At best, you either get money off him, or he loses his home because he's a knob head. He's being nasty to you anyway, why not? And tell the police about the video threats and give them evidence of him saying he'll post stuff online. Stand up to him, stop letting it be easy for him. If you fuck up his life, so what. He brought it on himself, it's his own fault.

Original poster

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 09:37

TheBlessedCheesemaker - firstly - good name! yes, blessed are the cheesemakers :). from experience - what the father does to the mother generally isn't a reflection on his parenting skills... with my older 2, father raping me bared no reflection on the contact allowed with his kids, so unsure that will be enough sway.. I would need to prove that the eldest is actually at risk from him before they would concider stopping contact.

OP posts:

MaryLeeOnHigh · 28/12/2020 09:37

Record all his threats of revenge porn etc if you go for maintenance, take the recordings/screenshots etc to the police, and go back to court on the issue of access to your older child.

PercyPiginaWig · 28/12/2020 09:42

@converseandjeans

maddie I honestly think your youngest is better off without him.

What about your two children with your ex? Have they been affected by the violence & house moves etc?

All of the children will have been affected. Here is a Unicef report if you are interested: www.unicef.org/media/media_35151.html

The report also finds that the single best predictor of children continuing the cycle of domestic violence – either as perpetrators or as victims – depends on whether or not they grow up in a home with domestic violence.

All of the children would be better off without this man in their lives, and benefit from therapeutic input for the damage already inflicted by the abuser.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/12/2020 09:42

At risk of emotional abuse but its probably a stretch unless you get the right judge sadly

Sarahandduck18 · 28/12/2020 09:43

You need to fight the court order.

It is emotional abuse to treat the 2boys differently like that.

Get a good family solicitor and fight it.

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