Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

He wants contact with only one of his kids

92 replies

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 00:59

Hello, Looking for advice.. Started out, I had 2 kids, was separated from the ex... met a guy, he was nice, he got on with my 2 older boys... he had his own place, I was living in Housing association property.. He wanted a family... fast forward a bit, i was pregnant with his child, i got made redundant from my job, we moved in with him as his work was closer to where he lived etc. within 3 months he was getting drunk at weekends as he believed it was his right, and then proceeded to belittle and be quite nasty and vindictive when drunk... by the time baby was 3 months old i told healthcare professionals that i was depressed.. when explained why - they told me that he was being abusive, then when he shoved me in front of the kids, we went to refuge. Then the pattern of making up and breaking up started... he would drink less and be nice, we would get on.. then back together again. We did this until found out was pregnant again... due to the situation.. I must admit had reservations about keeping the baby because we were living separate by that time and felt that I wouldn't cope with 2 little ones alone... He persuaded me to keep it promising that he will be there and his mother would love a second grandchild. fast forward, baby was born, beautiful baby boy with ginger hair like my dad.. then because he doesn't have any immediate family that he knows of that has ginger hair... he believes that it cannot possibly be his son. Despite not having any other relationships.. knowing it can only be his.. I said that if he wasn't sure he should do a DNA test. He has refused continuously to do one. So now we have the situation that I am a single mother, he sees his eldest because there is a court order every other weekend but our other child has no contact because he perceives our beautiful ginger haired baby as a 'Ginger haired fat little b(word)' , going forward, if this stays the same, my eldest with him will have a great relationship with his dad while the baby will grow up without a father in his life and seeing his brother being spoilt by their dad while being abandoned by him. To me the concept is diabolical and awful! We both grew up without a father and know how devastating it is and deeply feel he should have contact with both or not at all :(.. but given his own opinion of our baby... not sure it would be safe for that to happen either. There is a court order in place for the eldest... so stopping contact with the eldest isn't really a possibility... and no court would make him see his second son. Currently at a loss on what to do that is best for both our children.. so opinions and advice would be appreciated x

OP posts:

LouiseTrees · 28/12/2020 15:23

Is it possible to test the two boys DNA against each other to prove they are full siblings rather than testing the father?

lyinginthegutterstaringatstars · 28/12/2020 15:33

Maybe tell the courts how he is behaving twords his ds and have the courts make him take a dna test?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/12/2020 15:39

Why have 2 kids with this loser?

Original poster

maddieSmall · 28/12/2020 16:16

You can do a DNA test to prove that siblings have the same parents... but the bigger question is would that change anything? Think this is just an excuse to be horrid and how to validate it to himself.

OP posts:

Dappled · 28/12/2020 16:20

So sorry you're in this situation, it sounds awful.
It's been mentioned a couple of times already, but sibling DNA tests do exist (i.e. you wouldn't need his cooperation to have one done). Google "sibling DNA test"; you can get tests to show whether siblings share both parents. Some of them are "court approved" some not. Court approved are more expensive, so this may be an issue. I don't know whether this is a good course of action for you to take, so I'm not mentioning it to recommend it, but just flagging up that they exist in case you did want to go down this route.

BendyLikeBeckham · 28/12/2020 19:45

OP, you seem to be accepting the status quo.

I know how difficult it is with an abusive ex, I really do. And I've taken the easy road in the past, but it won't be the best for your DC in the long term.

He will fuck them both up if this continues.

amy85 · 28/12/2020 21:12

How does he have a court order for just one of the kids....surely when in court for that the youngest child should have been bought up and included

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/12/2020 22:47

@amy85 perhaps the court order was made before the little one was born?

gutful · 29/12/2020 06:26

I think deciding not to seek child support actually gives more validation to his claim than not doing a DNA test. He can request a DNA test after Child support contacts him.

Maybe I am getting long in the tooth, but back in my day terms like “revenge porn” did not exist. If you knowingly chose to make a sex tape/send nudes then the reality was you couldn’t control where they end up.

I don’t think it is fair to a child to deny them the legal support their father has to give to them because Mum is worried about her amateur porno being made public.

I would call his bluff, hold your head high & forge on with the claim. Don’t let fear control you or affect your child’s future.

BendyLikeBeckham · 29/12/2020 09:44

@gutful good post

I don't think he will make the porn public because a) it is a criminal offence and b) he won't have anything to hold over OP after that and he is a controller

MRex · 29/12/2020 09:51

Also the plan of waiting until your oldest child is old enough to understand his dad is being cruel to him & want to stop seeing him is, well, not actually a plan. That is just passing the buck & making your oldest child responsible for the situation.
This is a fair point, but unless the OP can prove to court that the ex is as awful as he sounds, the child will have to keep seeing him. The best hope is that he'll get bored and drift away.

harrietm1987 · 29/12/2020 09:56

[quote BendyLikeBeckham]@gutful good post

I don't think he will make the porn public because a) it is a criminal offence and b) he won't have anything to hold over OP after that and he is a controller[/quote]
Completely agree with this.

OP it seems like you don’t actually want to take responsibility for doing anything. You’re full of excuses for not being proactive and instead think that moving away, or letting your toddler son take the initiative are the solution. You’re being really defeatist about this. Which is completely understandable as you’ve been abused by this man. But now it’s time to wake up and protect your boys. You’ve had excellent advice on this thread - I hope you listen.

gutful · 29/12/2020 10:06

@MRex am not sure how it works in your country, in Australia the visitation is not for the right of the parent, but of the child. A child is seen as having the right to have a relationship with their parent. Even people with drug or alcohol addictions will still have access to their children if they choose to fight for it - even if it is supervised.

The child sounds like they want to have a relationship with their father.

The custody schedule for this older child was already in place - this suggests the relationship has been off & on, so even if the father is wrong perhaps at this time they genuinely believe the child is not theirs?

How do we not know if DNA test was taken that the father may not then decide they want a relationship with this child?

Getting child support claim in & then worry about the DNA test.

This is putting the cart before the horse & not putting a CS claim in is deciding that riding a horse is scary & unpleasant so why bother

Original poster

maddieSmall · 29/12/2020 10:34

I am full of excuses atm... I am trying to figure the best plan possible in bad times, considering the impacts of what happens next and using this forum for advice, support, and mainly the strength which is needed right now to make the best decisions for the future. All of the advice has been taken on-board and greatly appreciated so thank you all x

OP posts:

MRex · 29/12/2020 10:39

It has nothing to do with custody aims, which largely only recognise the risk of physical harm to children as a downside in contact and a wild assumption that it is always good for a child to see its parent. I personally find it vanishingly unlikely that this man will bring any benefit to that child to make it worth chasing down DNA proof to demand a relationship. This man knows very well that it's his child, it's just a front for money. If it were a child in my care, then I'd just be grateful this dickhead wasn't going after contact.

diversity101 · 29/12/2020 10:45

My god what a horrible situation you have put both yourself and your children in. Forgot this loser. I’m sure over time he will lose interest in his first child anyway. Move on and learn from your mistakes.

Original poster

maddieSmall · 29/12/2020 11:19

MRex - it isn't about contact being demanded for the little one.. it is the impact of the extremes of contact for the siblings... what effect it will have on them both in the future, and yes, grateful he isn't going for contact for the youngest because of his views of him.. have been worried that going for CMS and getting that in place may prompt him to change his mind on that..

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4