He wants contact with only one of his kids

[maddieSmall]

Hello, Looking for advice.. Started out, I had 2 kids, was separated from the ex... met a guy, he was nice, he got on with my 2 older boys... he had his own place, I was living in Housing association property.. He wanted a family... fast forward a bit, i was pregnant with his child, i got made redundant from my job, we moved in with him as his work was closer to where he lived etc. within 3 months he was getting drunk at weekends as he believed it was his right, and then proceeded to belittle and be quite nasty and vindictive when drunk... by the time baby was 3 months old i told healthcare professionals that i was depressed.. when explained why - they told me that he was being abusive, then when he shoved me in front of the kids, we went to refuge. Then the pattern of making up and breaking up started... he would drink less and be nice, we would get on.. then back together again. We did this until found out was pregnant again... due to the situation.. I must admit had reservations about keeping the baby because we were living separate by that time and felt that I wouldn't cope with 2 little ones alone... He persuaded me to keep it promising that he will be there and his mother would love a second grandchild. fast forward, baby was born, beautiful baby boy with ginger hair like my dad.. then because he doesn't have any immediate family that he knows of that has ginger hair... he believes that it cannot possibly be his son. Despite not having any other relationships.. knowing it can only be his.. I said that if he wasn't sure he should do a DNA test. He has refused continuously to do one. So now we have the situation that I am a single mother, he sees his eldest because there is a court order every other weekend but our other child has no contact because he perceives our beautiful ginger haired baby as a 'Ginger haired fat little b(word)' , going forward, if this stays the same, my eldest with him will have a great relationship with his dad while the baby will grow up without a father in his life and seeing his brother being spoilt by their dad while being abandoned by him. To me the concept is diabolical and awful! We both grew up without a father and know how devastating it is and deeply feel he should have contact with both or not at all :(.. but given his own opinion of our baby... not sure it would be safe for that to happen either. There is a court order in place for the eldest... so stopping contact with the eldest isn't really a possibility... and no court would make him see his second son. Currently at a loss on what to do that is best for both our children.. so opinions and advice would be appreciated x

Also go to the police with the evidence of threats of revenge porn.

Have no communication with him that isn’t in writing.

I’m very sorry for the situation you are in.

Honestly? If I were you, I’d make plans to fuck off anywhere he wouldn’t be able to find us.
That is the honest truth, he is an abuser and you are putting your child into his hands. He may dote on oldest son now but don’t be fooled into thinking this makes him untouchable from your ex’s abuse. He will damage your son. 100% guaranteed.

Knowing this, I would leave. Without trace.

Other than that I don’t know how you continue to live this life, watching both your children be damaged by a fucked up bully.

Hi Maddie, I’m a social worker and I fully understand your reservations around contact and the courts generally wishing to see risk to the child, and it can be frustrating when there had been high level domestic abuse. I do however think you can evidence that more than you think, as quite clearly there is a risk of emotional harm to the elder boy by having contact and presumably being exposed to his fathers views of his sibling? What does the elder boy say about seeing his father, and generally how are his needs met during contact. I would also personally return to court to request the contact goes through solicitors/third party so you have no direct contact with your ex yourself, and provide evidence of the threats he is making around revenge porn.

Just for reassurance, I have found lore recently that the courts and CAFCASS are more likely to air on the side of caution with DV. Not sure when you went to court for the current order but if you have concerns then you need to go back and challenge this.

@maddieSmall you have been through (at least) two horrifically abusive relationships.
Alongside advocating for your children please think about advocating for yourself too as a victim, you deserve better and there are services that can help you break this pattern and avoid future abusive relationships. Have a look at the Freedom Programme when you are ready.

If you haven't already then put in a claim with the child maintenance service for the child he denies is his, naming him as the father.If he continues to dispute that he is the father then he will be required to take & pay for a DNA test. If, by any chance, he's not the father then they will reimburse him the cost. When he is proven to be the father then hopefully this will put an end to his nonsense re him not being the father due to hair colour.

And yes to agree with Percy, please refer yourself to your local domestic abuse support (women’s aid, HER centre, Solace etc) as you can access a support worker to advocate for you as well as I appreciate it will feel very scary challenging him as you have been conditioned not to. Good luck.

Go to court and insist on a DNA test so that he is forced to pay maintenance! Then once you receive the money (if you do get any out of him), restrict access to your son's. He is not a good influence. And do not think about any more relationships or children!!

option that i had concidered... bit dramatic.. but move away... and don't stop contact with the eldest... in the hope it will eventually be too much bother to keep contact going... maybe a 400 mile round trip every other weekend will push him to just go away... the courts generally will not stop someone from moving.

Arthersleep - think no more children is a definate... relationships - gonna be a long time before i let another man into my life like that... but thanks for the opinion anyway.

Don't move. If you're the one that moves, you're the one that will be made to bring the kids back for him to see.

@maddieSmall

option that i had concidered... bit dramatic.. but move away... and don't stop contact with the eldest... in the hope it will eventually be too much bother to keep contact going... maybe a 400 mile round trip every other weekend will push him to just go away... the courts generally will not stop someone from moving.

He can easily apply to court for a prohibited steps order to prevent you moving. And if you do move, the court could direct that you do the travelling.

You need to be proactive in this. You need to be the one applying to court so you’re not seen as being underhand or flouting a court order. I would apply to vary the current order in the first instance. Keep the focus on both of your children and what you say is in their best interests. It really isn’t in either of their best interests to have such a vastly different relationship with their father - lay out what this will do to the sibling relationship, as it will damage it.

Swansonn101 - thank you for your reply - I did go to the poliece, he made the threat in code as he isn't that stupid.. they then proceeded to contact my son's nursery and advise that there had been issues.. which was a shock to me to be discussing this with nursery manager. One thing that is in the court order with the eldest is that he shouldn't be drinking 24 hours before or during contact with eldest... i seriously doubt that he has stopped drinking.. but proving that seems impossible as have recieved free solicitor advice.. I cannot withold contact and make him do a Breathaliser test before releasing child... beyond that i can prove nothing... but i know that he sees it as his right to be allowed to get drunk.. at the time this was put into the order, he would down 18 cans of beer on a weekend during the nights... he had started toi drink again before we split... have seen it doesn't take him long to get back to that... but releasing a child to him knowing that... i feel powerless to do anything about it.

Just as an idea. If you suspect him drinking does he drive to collect/ drop off child? If so would an anonymous prewarning tip off to the police be of help? Preferably when child is not in the car, so on his way there or after drop off

Court can enforce testing for alcoholics. My friend had to get his ex to have regular testing due to risks of getting in car drunk with child. Get s very good friendship with health visiting team - his son told him how mummy fell asleep on the couch a lot and had couldn't wake her up for food.
I think he is full of empty threats. He is successfully scaring you - but actually, he's terrified he will lose his financial independence. He will end up with criminal record if he follows through and as a narcissistic person he won't want that. Pursue CSA.

Swansonn101 - his father and I split up this time beginning of November. We are now in tier 4. Eldest came back this weekend telling of seeing his grandma, his auntie, his friend and his mum and dad, and daddy's new friend and her dog... all in daddys house as his friend was playing with his toys.. is it just me or is this a concern given the covid situation and apparent lockdown? support bubbles i get, but that is 5 adults from 4 different households in the same house in under 2 days... the eldest loves his dad, and i have been trying to support that... but then he comes back telling all about his daddy and what a good time he had... it is only a matter of time before this starts to affect the little one who is now over 1yr old..

Your poor older children ☹️

Just be careful with the Child Maintenance if you report and can afford to live without it.

I went to CMS and my ExH quit his job. His house, car and all his bills are in his parents names even though he doesn't live with them. He works in his dads business cash in hand so on paper earns nothing. So I get £0 and I can't make a claim via a charge on the house or anything as it's his parents.

I would go to the police about the revenge porn etc threats, stop contact with the oldest, and start a CMS claim for the youngest which will include a DNA test if he wishes.

Take back control.

OP, I echo the advice to claim thru CMS. His threats to you will mean he ALWAYS has power over you until you call his bluff. If he does publish sex videos/pics then tell the police straight away.

You cannot let him have this hold over you, because then everything is on his terms. And you bear some culpability in your younger son's situation if you don't do something about it.

I still resent my mother for never seeking child maintenance from my father, as I grew up in poverty while he was relatively well off and he got away with it. But in those days there was not the neutral agency who could assess, enforce, collect etc.

Claim CMS now. He will have to take a DNA test to object to it.

Stop being passive in this.

@maddieSmall

He doesn't pay maintenance for the youngest as quite basically he has threattened to make my life hell if i do that, revenge porn, apparently the application for CSA for little one is the fist thing in a whole world of nasty events he has planned to inflict pain and mysery etc... I am also assuming it would be the push for him to leave his job... so rocking the boat on that one isn't worth it and no amount of money will cover how much will be lost in pain and hurt at the rest of what he is doing.. .

Well when he's a convicted sex offender you won't have to worry about contact.

Report the threat hopefuly you've got evidence log

TheBellOntheTree - exactly what he would do if I chase for child number two.. he's effectively told me that is kinda the plan.. something for one as opposed to nothing for two is the crux of it.

What a vile man. The youngest is better off without him. The eldest would also be better off without him and can come to that thought on his own later. I hope you are getting help to improve how you approach relationships, and suggest you post on the Relationships board for input on that.

Did he threaten revenge porn over text or email? If so, please show the police.

MRex - That is one approach.. let the eldest (3) get to an age where he can see what his father is doing to his brother.. ultimately, who knows.. Father May just decide in the meantime to change his mind about alot of things.. like either seeing both or not at all. All still a bit fresh atm. And relationships.. not going to chase for one now.. we are better off without that rubbish.. retraining so when I do return to work I can provide a better future for the kids solo. And I did contact police. Because the threat was indirect they cannot do anything unless he actually posts something.

You could have DNA tests on the 2 DC which will show they are full siblings, not half? And just quietly let him know. It might give him pause for thought. It is indeed a nasty situation he's put you in. I don't see an easy answer and it's a shame he gets contact with either when he won't acknowledge both. 😕