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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he?....this is rude isn't it?

94 replies

Slipppy · 27/12/2020 17:33

Boyfriend came and stayed for xmas eve/day/boxing day with his children (support bubble so it's allowed).

He was due to go home today, I woke up at 9am and he'd already gone...Got up at god knows what time and just left. No goodbye, house is in an almighty tip from the last 3 days, didn't say goodbye to my children or me, just upped and left and went home.

Called him and asked where he was, he just said he wanted to get home and relax. He does have tendencies to get overwhelmed when there are too many people around for too long and takes himself off for a few hours. I think it's just really fucked me off because it's such rude behaviour. The kitchen was a tip (he cooked last night), detritus from xmas everywhere and not even a thanks for having us from him.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Travis1 · 27/12/2020 17:35

That would fuck me right off and it would make me consider our future relationship to be honest.

BestOfABadLot · 27/12/2020 17:35

Unless he was having a panic attack and just couldn't cope at all or he'd told you he planned to leave early in the morning then yes this is incredibly rude.

tiredybear · 27/12/2020 17:37

well I'm sure you just wanted to relax at home today too...but unfortunately had to spend a big chunk of time cleaning up solo as he was a selfish dick. Very very rude.

Lovaduck74 · 27/12/2020 17:37

You are not being unreasonable. He has been very rude! It would annoy me to be honest!

Original poster
Slipppy · 27/12/2020 17:43

I specifically asked him yesterday what time he was leaving as i know he likes to get up and go and not hang around. He said he was in no rush but wanted to be home before lunch.

He apparently did try to wake up to tell me he was going. He has done all of the cooking for the last 3 days so I don't mind doing the cleaning up but just to bloody go with no thanks has really fucked me off

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 27/12/2020 17:43

I’m of two minds. Typically family as in my partner and father of my children would not count as a house guest and so the rules of saying thank you for letting me stay don’t apply. So him getting up and leaving early without going through a formal good bye and thank you performance would not bother me.

But similarly, because he would not be a house guest, I would expect him to help keep the house tidy while staying. So the leaving a huge mess that had built up over three days would upset me.

I’m not sure I understand your family dynamic. I’ve never really thought about a family where the mother and children live seperate from the father but they’re still in an active relationship? (Other than temporary situations such as moving to another country or inter-continentally or for things like deployments with the forces.)

Sparklesocks · 27/12/2020 17:45

I think it’s rude to leave without saying goodbye, or without offering to help clean up.

ApolloandDaphne · 27/12/2020 17:46

How did he get himself and his children out of the house without waking you? I sleep very lightly and wake when my DH gets out of bed so this seems very strange to me!

Original poster
Slipppy · 27/12/2020 17:49

His kids aren't my kids. We each have 2 children. His kids were asleep downstairs. He's literally just got up and gone. Packed his gifts, chucked bedding in the car and left. Not even had a cup of tea as far as i can tell

OP posts:
YakkityYakYakYak · 27/12/2020 17:50

I guess he was being somewhat rude for leaving and not saying goodbye/thanks, but he’s your boyfriend so you wouldn’t really expect him to be as formal as any other house guest would you. Maybe he just wanted to let you have a lie in.

More rude of him to not help you tidy up, but if he did do all of the cooking for 3 days then it’s probably fair that you do the tidying to be honest.

Retiremental · 27/12/2020 17:54

He’s cooked for the last three days? By choice?

BakedTattie · 27/12/2020 17:56

How bizarre

ShagMeRiggins · 27/12/2020 17:56

@BestOfABadLot

Unless he was having a panic attack and just couldn't cope at all or he'd told you he planned to leave early in the morning then yes this is incredibly rude.
Even those who get panic attacks get over them then say sorry and thank you. There’s no reason for those with anxiety or panic attacks to be given a pass and not try. Understanding has to work both ways.
ApolloandDaphne · 27/12/2020 17:58

He probably thought that as you were sleeping soundly he might be best to creep out and leave you to it. If he started cleaning up he might have woken you. If he has done all the cooking you should be clearing up anyway. He also says he tried to say goodbye to you. I'm not sure this is much of an issue.

ShagMeRiggins · 27/12/2020 18:00

@Slipppy

His kids aren't my kids. We each have 2 children. His kids were asleep downstairs. He's literally just got up and gone. Packed his gifts, chucked bedding in the car and left. Not even had a cup of tea as far as i can tell
I assume he took his children along with the gifts and bedding? Hmm

In any household it’s normal to give an indication of coming and going. Hi, I’m home. I’m just heading out. Even in a shared household. Explanations aren’t necessary, but it’s very basic communication.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2020 18:00

He’s obviously rude
Are you going to carry on seeing him?

LaBeu · 27/12/2020 18:02

Sounds like something my ex would do and he's generally rude.

The least he could have done is left you a text along the lines of "I've gone home, didn't want to wake you, thank you for having us x" etc

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/12/2020 18:03

He apparently did try to wake up to tell me he was going.
Maybe he would have thanked you if he'd been able to wake you up?

I know he likes to get up and go and not hang around.
Then why are you so surprised?

FangsForTheMemory · 27/12/2020 18:04

That's out of order. If he can get up early enough to leave before you wake, he can clear the kitchen up first and leave you a note saying thanks.

justanotherneighinparadise · 27/12/2020 18:06

Did he leave his kids?!

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/12/2020 18:08

I would be both hurt and furious if someone did that to me. You can’t use sensory overload as an excuse if you’ve been asleep, if you help make mess you help shift it, and how rude just to go without saying goodbye or even leaving a note. I would be reconsidering if I ever invited that person over again.

unicornparty · 27/12/2020 18:09

How in earth did he get out of the house without waking you? He tried to wake you and couldn't? How heavy do you sleep?

BritWifeinUSA · 27/12/2020 18:11

He couldn’t wake you despite trying a d you didn’t wake when three people were moving about, packing their stuff and leaving? How much did you have to drink last night? Sounds like you slept very deeply. I get woken up by the sound of the grass growing so there’s no way of sleep through that. But you are obviously different.

Did you thank him for doing the cooking?

badacorn · 27/12/2020 18:13

Yes it’s very rude.
Rubbish to say he tried to wake you up and couldn’t. Unless you are on some heavy sedatives or really ill he’s lying. He just didn’t want the hassle of talking to you before setting off.

If this happened to me I’d think this is a man who doesn’t give a shit if he upsets me enough to get dumped.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 18:13

That's rude.

If you're still together next Christmas, make sure he does the hosting and leave his house in a mess.