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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mummies boy husband

87 replies

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 16:51

My DH is a great guy but recently how much of a mummies boy he is is really bothering me to the point I feel he sees his mum as more of his family than me and the kids.

He speaks with her 2/3 times a day on the phone, he calls round whenever he has a free moment over Christmas he has been there everyday for the past 5 days and MIL will ring him and ask when he’s coming up pretty much daily! Or she just turns up here.

I know he talks to his mum about EVERYTHING, including some personal things I’ve been going through recently (depression) which I asked him not to. I know he did as I hear MiL on the phone asking questions about me to which he says ‘shhh can’t speak’

His adult brother still lives with MIL and he rings also most days asking if he’s going up for a drink. If I try to say anything about the amount of time he spends there then I get shit down quickly by DH and he reports back to his mum which then makes my relationship with her difficult.

I’m just finding it such a turn off atm I feel like I’m starting to see my DH in a different way because of this am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ValidUser · 27/12/2020 16:56

This isn't a simple matter being close to his mother. Talking about your personal stuff against your wishes is betraying your trust.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 16:57

Was he like this before you married?

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 16:59

@Chamomileteaplease he’s always been quite close but not like this although when we met 11 years ago his mum had a partner and now she’s not I think relies on my DH a hell of a lot we have helped her financially too. It’s definitely getting worse!

OP posts:

motherofnightmares · 27/12/2020 17:03

I don't see the issue with mummy's boys. After all she brought him into the world so why should he abandon her and not be as close just cos he's married? Obviously some stuff will change and no he shouldn't be telling her stuff if u asked him not to but why shouldn't he go and visit her often. I hope when my boys are older they will visit me often

warmandtoasty2day · 27/12/2020 17:07

mother there is being close and then there's trying to climb back into the womb. this would drive me insane if my dh carried on like this.

Chamomileteaplease · 27/12/2020 17:09

Speaking to her two or three times a day though? That's intrusive surely?

If he is happy to betray your confidences though then he obviously sees her as his priority and I don't fancy your chances. I just can't see this improving I'm afraid.

I mean, even if you had a serious chat with him, I can't see him budging .

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 27/12/2020 17:09

I think it’s good he has someone he can talk to. I understand he shouldn’t discuss it as you asked him not to but perhaps he needs some support and someone to talk too so he can give you the best support?
Do you get on with MIL? I think as he’s always been close to her I think something else is bothering you and your focusing on this instead. You can hardly ask him to pick between you and your mum so if you can understand what it is about the closeness that’s bothering you that might help?

It’s hard being with someone with depression no matter how much you love them and you need a strong support network so you are in the best place to support you partner

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 17:12

I do see the issue with a husband and father prioritising his mother over and above his wife and kids, if it's to their detriment.

And I definitely would have a problem with my husband sharing my personal business that I'd expressly asked him to keep private, and not share with someone, sharing it with anyone. I would be very visibly and very vocally having a very big problem with such a betrayal of trust by the one person above all others, that I should be able to trust.

BestOfABadLot · 27/12/2020 17:14

YANBU. There's being close and looking to her for support but this sounds codependent and like it's impacting family life.

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 17:15

@ForTheLoveOfCatFood I think why it’s bothering me quite a lot now is that we have 2 young DC and he often leaves them with me so he can go to his mums or will be late back from work and miss bath/bedtime so he can stop at his mums. Also as a family they all like to drink and it always involves ‘having a beer’ he will nips to his mums ‘for a beer’ or she will turn up here for a drink and although I like a drink I don’t like one everyday. And if I try to tell him he drinks too much he tells his mum who excuses his behaviour and makes out I need to loosen up. I just feel like it’s progressively getting worse he used to talk to her perhaps every other day but now it’s 2-3 times I can’t help but find myself being turned off by his behaviour I feel like he’s a boy not a man when I hear the way he speaks with his mum.

OP posts:

Hapixmas · 27/12/2020 17:17

Is he worried about her mental health?

GabriellaMontez · 27/12/2020 17:18

2-3 phone calls a day?!

How does he have time? While you deal with the children...

Sorry, you need a really serious chat.

nosswith · 27/12/2020 17:20

The dependence (it seems) on drink and the avoidance of interaction with your DCs seems to me the worst. Visiting his mum almost seems to be an excuse to me.

Meowchickameowmeow · 27/12/2020 17:23

If he's prioritising going to his mothers to drink over spending time with you and the kids then that's a massive problem. It would be a massive problem no matter who he was choosing to drink with.
Does he come back drunk? Running to her to tattle on the things you've said is just juvenile and not something a married grown up man or woman should be doing.
Is he generally immature?

supersop60 · 27/12/2020 17:23

@motherofnightmares

But not spend more time with you than their wife, surely?

FlamedToACrisp · 27/12/2020 17:24

Time to move... about 25 miles away, so she's still in reach but just not quite so convenient.

Undertaker · 27/12/2020 17:25

He sounds pathetic, and I can see why its a turn off. I'm a bloke, and my wife and baby are my family. I put my time into them. Not my mum.

Chloemol · 27/12/2020 17:26

Not sure what tier you are in but should he be visiting?

Personally it’s time for a chat and he needs to focus on his family, ie you and the kids, his brother can look after his mother

Otherwise he might as well move in there and leave you to get on with it

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 27/12/2020 17:28

With your update I’d be giving him an ultimatum because his behaviour will hinder your recovery.
She sounds lonely but she can’t just expect him to drop everything to be with her

IseeIsee · 27/12/2020 17:29

If he was meeting a friend every day for a drink and talking to them daily and didn't help around the house as a result would you be upset? Maybe it is not his DM that is the problem but that he is using her to remove himself from family life. Is his DM supportive of you? Do you think your depression is linked to feeling overwhelmed? Does you DH support you?

AliceMcK · 27/12/2020 17:31

If you want to stay happily married you can do as my SIL dose just shut up and accept it. If not leave. Honestly your DH sounds just like one of my DBs and absolutely nothing, not even his wife and DCs will ever cut that umbilical cord. He has made it clear time and time again where his priorities lie. His wife accepted things a long time ago and just gets on with things, DM even lives with them now.

If it was me I’d run for the hills because I couldn’t live that way. But it all depends whether you can or not.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2020 17:31

@motherofnightmares

Because in doing so he isn't spending any of that time with his own children and making that relationship with them.

jacks11 · 27/12/2020 17:35

It’s an issue if, instead of being at home with his wife and children and being involved in childcare and domestic chores, he is visiting mummy or speaking to her on the phone. I think speaking several times per day AND visiting most days mean he is devoting a substantial proportion of his time and energy to his mother, to the detriment of his relationship. Which is when “being close” to your mum starts to tip into “problem territory”. I suspect it’s a nice way to avoid doing any of the childcare and housework. And getting spilt nicely by mummy, drinking with his brother abd so on.

Add in that he has spoken to his mum about something OP specifically asked him not to, which is a betrayal of her trust abc you have a problem which needs sorting. If he really needed his mum’s support to help him cope with OP’s depression, he should have been honest about it “really sorry, but I’m struggling a bit Witt all this- can I speak to mum foe support?”. Perhaps Op’s MIL is z as gossip or is likely to mark snarky comments which is why OP is not happy for her to know?

Lydia777 · 27/12/2020 17:37

I had this, with an ex thankfully. Being close is great-being codependent is not- it felt as if my ex was married to his mother. He also told her everything, including about our relationship and of course he was always the victim. He needs to put you and your children first - he can still be a great son but there is a line. I would talk to him and if it doesn't get better, I would leave. I still heave a sigh of relief when I think that situation is no longer in my life.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 17:38

I can’t help but find myself being turned off by his behaviour I feel like he’s a boy not a man when I hear the way he speaks with his mum.

I'd feel the same.... I'd end up losing attraction for him. I'd also stop sharing personal information with him and emotionally detach while I look towards a future without him, when the time is right.

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