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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mummies boy husband

87 replies

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 16:51

My DH is a great guy but recently how much of a mummies boy he is is really bothering me to the point I feel he sees his mum as more of his family than me and the kids.

He speaks with her 2/3 times a day on the phone, he calls round whenever he has a free moment over Christmas he has been there everyday for the past 5 days and MIL will ring him and ask when he’s coming up pretty much daily! Or she just turns up here.

I know he talks to his mum about EVERYTHING, including some personal things I’ve been going through recently (depression) which I asked him not to. I know he did as I hear MiL on the phone asking questions about me to which he says ‘shhh can’t speak’

His adult brother still lives with MIL and he rings also most days asking if he’s going up for a drink. If I try to say anything about the amount of time he spends there then I get shit down quickly by DH and he reports back to his mum which then makes my relationship with her difficult.

I’m just finding it such a turn off atm I feel like I’m starting to see my DH in a different way because of this am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 18:40

Doesn't sound like he's sparking much joy there, OP.

Daphnise · 27/12/2020 18:43

He and his mother sound like alcoholics.

I'm certain they would deny it, but they always do.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 27/12/2020 18:45

I can't believe how many people are blaming you for this by saying he needs support for your depression! Surely you'd be less depressed if you felt supported at home by DP.
My MIL is one of these. Thankfully DH avoids her most of the time because he hates being suffocated. I think I'd leave if he was putting his mum ahead of his wife and kids so I could find someone who valued me and my little one.

Tistheseason17 · 27/12/2020 18:46

OP - YANBU
Choosing to spend time with his Mum over his wife and young children most days is definitely not normal.
He'd be getting a buck up or move back with your mum ultimatum from me.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 18:48

My friend married an alcoholic. His parents are alcoholics too. It's very sad. OP please work out what would work for you and work towards that.

Your dh sounds like a nightmare.

MessAllOver · 27/12/2020 18:51

It doesn't sound like your life with him holds much hope of being a happy one.

OP, what do you want? Do you think you can retrieve your relationship with him or would you prefer to be on your own and it's the practicalities which are keeping you there?

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 18:55

Thanks everyone I have tried to speak to him recently regarding his drinking as I feel over the last year with lockdown etc it has now become excessive to the point I can’t remember the last day he didn’t have a drink and having a drink seems to be the only thing that excites him now a days! When I bring it up he says I’m being ridiculous and it’s just been a hard year and there is nothing else to do! I actually told MiL I was sick of it and she told me maybe I just need to relax and have a drink! I feel like I get made out to be the unreasonable or boring one who is trying to ruin there fun but in reality I’m running about like a headless chicken trying to take care of everyone while they enjoy themselves

OP posts:

mbosnz · 27/12/2020 18:58

Well I suggest you run around looking after your kids and children, and bugger the rest of them.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 19:02

I'd be looking to get yourself a job, so you're not subject to the SAHM comments and can have some independence.

Some mothers of men are really not helping by encouraging them to leave their wife and young kids at home...getting a par on the back fir doing night feeds....seriously I'd just lose serial attraction...but I bet she's the kind of mum who would back him up if he had an affair and blame you.

TatianaBis · 27/12/2020 19:03

OP from your updates it’s clear you need to rethink your life.

You’ve had kids with a man who left you struggling and in pain with the newborn to help his mum for 3 days. That is beyond shocking.

If it wasn’t you who wanted kids more and he genuinely thought he wanted to have them - he clearly doesn’t actually want them.

You need to think through this SAHM set up as it’s not sustainable doing all this for a man who’s not interested in family life. Whose principal interests are drinking and avoiding his family.

You need to think about how you will earn money if/when this falls apart.

MessAllOver · 27/12/2020 19:03

Yes, the first step is just focusing on the children. No cooking, washing his clothes, ironing for him. Just do the family stuff. Either that will spark a discussion about both your needs or it will indicate that things aren't going to change.

If you decide you want out, you don't need to plan to leave immediately. Just start thinking about finances and how you can take steps to go back to work.

ScottishBetty · 27/12/2020 19:03

Her phones her two or three times a day?? Unless she is very unwell and in need of a lot of support this would do my head in 😂 and that's before even getting to the part where he gossips about you with her. There is no way in hell I'd tell my parents about my partner's mental health bring his back, how disrespectful

needsahouseboy · 27/12/2020 19:06

No way could I put up with that.
He sounds immature, selfish and quite frankly really awful.
I’d be getting myself back to work so that I could leave him.
What an utter prick.
It’s 2020 not 1950 ffs

shallbe · 27/12/2020 19:15

Speaking to her two or three times a day though? That's intrusive surely?

I wonder how many mothers and daughters do this and if they would be judged for doing so?

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 19:19

What a selfish prick OP.

No wonder you have PND.

He's using his unnatural relationship with his mother to avoid parenting, drink and social.

What a lazy selfish waster.

Stop doing anything for him and get support in real life for yourself from friends and family.

He has effectively abandoned you and your children.

Your MIL is extremely selfish too.

You are being far too accommodating and tolerant.

I feel so sorry for you.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 27/12/2020 19:20

You are not being unreasonable as this is clearly way too much time and your husband is not priorities his family. However if he has always been like this you’re being unreasonable go only have a problem with it now.

I hope you’re okay, OP

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 27/12/2020 19:21

PND is awful, I hope you’ve chatted to doctor about it and are getting some help. Sounds like you are doing all the work at home, and just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to do everything. An hour or two to do something nice for you bath, read a magazine in peace, or go for a drive with a coffee on your own for some space while husband babysits. Be nice to you xx

LannieDuck · 27/12/2020 19:37

You need to make time for yourself. A SAHM means you're doing childcare/chores while he's at work, but the rest of the time it should be split.

He gets free time in the evenings / at weekends... then so do you.

ineedaholidaynow · 27/12/2020 19:48

I would judge a wife who prioritised their mum over their husband and children in the same way as I would judge a husband.

My DM moved closer to us when DF died but I have made sure she doesn’t dominate our lives and I am very close to her. I speak to her once a day, and pre lockdown probably saw her a couple of times a week, but she has also made a life for herself and made new friends.

The problem lies with parents who don’t have their own lives and rely on their adult children to be at their beck and call.

Cloglover · 27/12/2020 19:51

There are so many red flags.

It really sounds as tho he is putting his mum and brother before you and his children. Indeed it sounds as tho he treats them as your children.

His mum has his brother for daily support. A quick phone call once a night is totally acceptable.

A visit a couple of times a week, taking at least one child with him is totally acceptable.

Talking to a friend who doesn't know you, about your pnd for support would be acceptable.

None of what he's doing or saying is acceptable.

Cloglover · 27/12/2020 19:54

The difference between a mum and daughter having a close relationship is that usually the mum will help the daughter out with the kids, and therefore their relationship will add to family life. In this case the husband seems to be keeping his 2 families apart.

Oooohbehave · 27/12/2020 19:55

@Undertaker

He sounds pathetic, and I can see why its a turn off. I'm a bloke, and my wife and baby are my family. I put my time into them. Not my mum.

You can give time to both you know. Mummy's boys are deeply unattractive but a man who doesn't make time for his mum is just as awful.

TimeToParty · 27/12/2020 20:19

OP there is a very helpful subreddit you may which to visit/post on: justnomil

Something I think would be recommended on that sub is that you get couples therapy. That feels like quite an American thing to say though (the subreddit has a US bias imo), I wouldn’t know where to begin with that in the UK, and ofc it costs money.

The next step is as others have said. Get your affairs in order so when you want to leave and divorce him, you can.

Go and get a job, make yourself more independent and so on.

ScottishBetty · 27/12/2020 20:21

@TimeToParty I was thinking that some of the people on here sticking up for the husband might turn out to be one of those 👀 MILs on justnomil 😂

NoGoodPunsLeft · 27/12/2020 20:22

@shallbe

Speaking to her two or three times a day though? That's intrusive surely?

I wonder how many mothers and daughters do this and if they would be judged for doing so?

As has been said previously, either man/woman prioritising someone else repeatedly over their spouse & children is unacceptable. Add in the excessive drinking & it's a pretty shit marriage unfortunately

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