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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mummies boy husband

87 replies

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 16:51

My DH is a great guy but recently how much of a mummies boy he is is really bothering me to the point I feel he sees his mum as more of his family than me and the kids.

He speaks with her 2/3 times a day on the phone, he calls round whenever he has a free moment over Christmas he has been there everyday for the past 5 days and MIL will ring him and ask when he’s coming up pretty much daily! Or she just turns up here.

I know he talks to his mum about EVERYTHING, including some personal things I’ve been going through recently (depression) which I asked him not to. I know he did as I hear MiL on the phone asking questions about me to which he says ‘shhh can’t speak’

His adult brother still lives with MIL and he rings also most days asking if he’s going up for a drink. If I try to say anything about the amount of time he spends there then I get shit down quickly by DH and he reports back to his mum which then makes my relationship with her difficult.

I’m just finding it such a turn off atm I feel like I’m starting to see my DH in a different way because of this am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

InFiveMins · 27/12/2020 17:40

YABU. He has a close relationship with his mother - why is that a bad thing? You sound controlling tbh. He shouldn't be sharing confidential things about you to her but he clearly needs an outlet and she is his outlet. Leave it be.

Sparklesocks · 27/12/2020 17:42

@InFiveMins

This would drive me mad. It’s one thing being close to your parents but it’s quite another to miss out on time with your family because of it. And 2-3 calls every single day sounds more like codependency than a healthy relationship.

SpaceRaiders · 27/12/2020 17:44

Clearly DH doesn’t see the issue and therein lies the problem. You’ll have a seriously hard time changing this dynamic as most likely they’ll close ranks and you’ll become the problem.

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 17:46

@jacks11 yes I have no problem if he genuinely needed to speak to someone for support but MIL is a big gossip and I know this as she has gossiped to me about personal things she knows about her other DILs she’s made unhelpful comments to be regarding my depression which just make me feel worse and I have told my husband o really didn’t want him to discuss it with his mum and brother which of course he has!

@Lydia777 yes to he is always the victim when he tells his mum about our relationship. He got up with our baby the
Other night to do night feeds as I was exhausted and of course in the morning he needed to tell mummy that he had done the night feeds so she could tell him how amazing he is and ask why I’m not getting up with the baby and why he had to do it! Really infuriated me.

I feel like I’m starting to loose my trust in him and don’t want to confide in him about anything I also don’t feel as attracted to him the longer this goes on!

OP posts:

Billben · 27/12/2020 17:48

This would be a major turn off for me. God help you OP when your MIL dies one day.

CuteBear · 27/12/2020 17:49

[quote Minnie6078]@ForTheLoveOfCatFood I think why it’s bothering me quite a lot now is that we have 2 young DC and he often leaves them with me so he can go to his mums or will be late back from work and miss bath/bedtime so he can stop at his mums. Also as a family they all like to drink and it always involves ‘having a beer’ he will nips to his mums ‘for a beer’ or she will turn up here for a drink and although I like a drink I don’t like one everyday. And if I try to tell him he drinks too much he tells his mum who excuses his behaviour and makes out I need to loosen up. I just feel like it’s progressively getting worse he used to talk to her perhaps every other day but now it’s 2-3 times I can’t help but find myself being turned off by his behaviour I feel like he’s a boy not a man when I hear the way he speaks with his mum.[/quote]
Phones her 2-3 times a day?? That’s weird enough, but going round to her house and leaving you with your young DC isn’t on. What kind of dad misses bath time and bedtime with his tiny DC just so he can hang out with his mum? He sounds so weird. You need to write down everything and then have a discussion with him.

Also, he is out of order for discussing YOUR personal issues without your consent.

RandomMess · 27/12/2020 17:51

Sounds like it completely suits him to opt out of parenting and doing his share around the house to be indulged like a teenager by his Mum...

Jakey056 · 27/12/2020 17:51

If you could leave, financially, would you?

Travis1 · 27/12/2020 17:51

Nope I’d be having words and would seriously be considering my options. I certainly wouldn’t be trusting him
With any information about my mental health

NoGoodPunsLeft · 27/12/2020 17:52

I understand Op, he sounds like a child who goes running to mummy all the time.

It does sound like a codependent relationship plus he's using her as an excuse to check out of family life. It doesn't sound like he pulls his weight so you'd probably feel better without, at least you'll know he isn't spilling your confidential personal info all over the place.

TatianaBis · 27/12/2020 17:59

I feel like I’m starting to loose my trust in him and don’t want to confide in him about anything I also don’t feel as attracted to him the longer this goes on!

This is what you need to say to him.

I have to say I’ve heard many tales of mummy’s boys on here, but this is definitely the most extreme. He needs to choose you or his mum because he is nuking his marriage.

tiredybear · 27/12/2020 18:02

You need to tell him how you are feeling. Missing time with his young children is terrible. This is time he will never get back with them. What a shame.
It sounds like he is maybe finding the relentless responsibility of parenting difficult and is taking the easy option of regressing to a child and spending time with mummy.
not respecting your request for privacy about your own health is also very hurtful.
You mention the drinking...Do you think this could be becoming a problem for him? Is he spending so much time there because he NEEDS to drink?

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 27/12/2020 18:09

God this would be a huge turn-off for me. Running to his mummy at every opportunity and gossiping and telling his Mummy every single thing that happens or is said between the two of you, even private things you've specifically asked him to keep private is very, very unhealthy and abnormal.

If he isn't going to change, or if you can't move further away I'd be questioning how much longer I'd want to live with a mummy's boy, let alone share my bed with him.

Tumblebugsjump · 27/12/2020 18:13

This is beyond weird and completely dysfunctional, especially as it all revolves around drink. There's no way I could stay in this situation, there need to be some new boundaries in place and his needs your back no his mums.

EKGEMS · 27/12/2020 18:15

@motherofnightmares Of for gods sake really?

whiskybysidedoor · 27/12/2020 18:17

I don’t know you or him or the rest of the dynamic but I can say if it’s like you say it will never change. You and your kids will always come after that primary relationship. Anything you say will be turned against you and do more harm than good.

Itl get worse as everyone gets older, eventually you may end up all living together. I honestly would quietly make plans to leave otherwise you will go insane. I grew up with a similar dynamic and it was awful. Everything was geared toward that special relationship, eventually when the parent died there’s no other relationships left to be had. You deserve a family and a life, I would get me and my kids out of this as soon as I could.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 27/12/2020 18:17

As the single mum of one boy who is now an 'adult' (in age but not maturity yet), this is something I'm acutely aware of. We're very close and are the only family for each other in this country. I worry that his future DW/DP will have an issue with our relationship. It's interesting to see my potential future from the other perspective.....

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 18:20

Yeah it's lovely he wants to support her etc but this is too much. He made a commitment to OP he cannot sustain both. I have some sympathy my DH overshares. I have to specifically tell him what he is not permitted to share.

He needs to have some boundaries or your relationship will be ruined.

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 18:23

@MumOfPsuedoAdult I have honestly never had a problem with him being close with his mum but when it comes to the stage where he spends more time with his mum than his own children then yes it’s a problem. Days after I gave birth to our second DC and was in pain and struggling he went to his mums for 3 days in a row to help her clear her attic out even though I asked him to stay home to help me. He said his mum needed help more.

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 18:24

I agree with nosswith "The dependence (it seems) on drink and the avoidance of interaction with your DCs seems to me the worst. Visiting his mum almost seems to be an excuse to me."

I would hazard a guess that he and his mum are alcoholics and their relationship is feeding each others' alcoholism. I don't know the cause of your depression but I bet your husband's behavior is not helping.

In your shoes I would focus on yourself. I would get every bit of help for your depression and get yourself well. If you can. I would tell your feckless husband that he needs to pull his weight and do his share of helping around the home. I would probably, almost certainly, make plans to leave unless he changes. If I were in your shoes.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 18:26

InFiveMins "He has a close relationship with his mother - why is that a bad thing? You sound controlling tbh."

The husband is the one controlling, he is ensuring his wife does all the work for their kids, he is not pulling his weight. He has made his own mum a priority over his wife and kids. Very, very unappealing.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 27/12/2020 18:26

[quote Minnie6078]@MumOfPsuedoAdult I have honestly never had a problem with him being close with his mum but when it comes to the stage where he spends more time with his mum than his own children then yes it’s a problem. Days after I gave birth to our second DC and was in pain and struggling he went to his mums for 3 days in a row to help her clear her attic out even though I asked him to stay home to help me. He said his mum needed help more.

It’s even got to the point he rang his mum the other day and told her he didn’t feel well and needed paracetamol could she go to the shop for him...and she did!! I sound awful but it made me cringe!! He’s a 35 year old man for gods sake! I have a son and I obviously hope we will always be close but when he has a wife and children I would expect him to put them first[/quote]
I agree this sounds off. I wonder why their relationship is being conducted separately (ie why doesn't he rather include her in your family life than take himself off to her life)? What's her relationship with you and your children like?

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 27/12/2020 18:30

Maybe he is struggling with you being depressed and talks to his mum about his worries of this, not in a bad way, but just to have someone to listen. Men don’t open up when they are under pressure enough, maybe having a beer with his mum and brother is his way of relaxing. If his mums asking how you are she must care about you, so don’t fight that, let her care and help. The fact he leaves you with the children and doesn’t help though is unacceptable, maybe ask his mum if she would have them for a couple of hours to give you time to talk and discuss a good way forward for you both. Sort this now before a small problem becomes a big one. Not all mother in laws are the enemy. I loved mine and she loved me.

Italiangreyhound · 27/12/2020 18:33

MumOfPsuedoAdult "As the single mum of one boy who is now an 'adult' (in age but not maturity yet), this is something I'm acutely aware of. We're very close and are the only family for each other in this country. I worry that his future DW/DP will have an issue with our relationship."

The fact you are aware this could be a problem means you are thinking, rightly, about how to help your son.

You can help him continue to form an appropriate relationship and you can ensure, as much as possible, that you both have other sources of support and friendship as well as each other.

I could be wrong but it sounds like alcohol has made this relationship a lot worse! Maybe lockdown hasn't helped. Plus this husband/father/son is struggling with the responsibilities of being a husband and father. Much easier to be a son and not have to help around the house.

Make sure you don't do everything for your son. I have a son and I am still trying to implement this one!

Original poster

Minnie6078 · 27/12/2020 18:35

@Pinksmyfavoritecolour it’s PND I’ve been struggling with which is not helped by the fact my DH would rather be just about anywhere than at home helping me as he finds family life boring.

His mum encourages him to leave me and to go to her house and thinks I should just deal with everything as I’m a SAHM. When she asks how I am it’s said in more of a way like ‘is she not moping about today’

We do actually get in quite well but I feel DH will drive a wedge between us as he paints me as the bad guy to her whenever we have a row.

I don’t think he’s struggling with my depression either as tbh I just get in with life. The children are always clean dressed and fed, he has 3 meals a day made for him, clean and ironed clothes and a tidy house. I rarely open up to him about how I feel and felt very let down that on this occasion that I opened up and broke down about how I felt he went straight to his mum to tell her.

OP posts:

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