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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he punishing me?

112 replies

Werk · 27/12/2020 13:30

I received an alert via the Covid app that I had been in contact with a positive case and have to isolate. I got it on Christmas Eve and have to isolate until New Year's Eve.

The only place I can think I have got it is the post office - I went last Monday to send some Christmas presents (we moved into tier 4 so our plans changed) and I was in a huge queue - inside for more than half an hour. We had isolated from 11th Dec as our plans were to stay with MIL for Christmas (but that changed on 19th when we moved into tier 4). I also went into the food shop Cook to get some meals for an old neighbour who could no longer see her family and a newsagent to get a newspaper and magazine for her - all on 21st when the app says I was exposed. I was out of the house over an hour.

DH is furious. He made me go through everywhere I had been and was asking me whether I had seen someone I shouldn't have (I haven't- I have stuck to the rules).

We had no plans anyway but we go out with the DC for at least an hour a day - especially with my eldest who is a bundle of energy and needs to spend time outside. Just to the park or for a walk or bike ride- nothing major.

DC broke up from school on 11th Dec and we both worked from home W/c 14th Dec - I am PT but he is FT so I had been the one taking them out each day for their exercise - some days twice, usually 2hrs in total.

DH has refused to take them both out at the same time whilst I am unable to leave the house. He will only take one at a time because he doesn't see why I should get the privilege of being alone for an hour or two when I have been reckless Hmm (I was posting presents to his family too FFS). I feel this is cutting off his nose to spite his face - he was freezing the other day because he was out for about 3hrs overall.

He worked FT from 14th Dec - Christmas Eve and has next week off but he is now angry because we cannot go out for walks etc and I have "ruined" his holiday. He never takes annual leave - the only other leave he took this year he managed to coincide with DC being at school in September. All my leave has been used looking after DC. It wouldn't surprise me if he cancels his leave and works instead because I have spoiled everything.

I feel like he is punishing me - AIBU? I have spent basically one hour away from my DC and in that time I was exposed to Covid!! It is just as annoying for me too as I am on leave next week as well and I cannot even go out for a walk or a run.

OP posts:
Original poster
Werk · 27/12/2020 16:48

Interesting about the app - my day of contact was last Monday and ties in with when I spent an hour at the shops/ post office.

He likes things in order and having control of situations- so little surprises like this do send him into a tailspin. He is usually ok - he is a workaholic and spends way too much time working but other than that he spends time with the DC etc. He isn't an ogre. He rarely has time to himself - he just never takes it and I think he expects me not to either (when we talk about this he denies it but there are always little digs if he thinks I have been lazy or had time to myself). I guess I feel guilty that he never seems to want down time - he is either working or with the DC.

I have just asked him why he insists on taking them out separately and he said he thinks it is better for the DC to have one on one time. I didn't argue with that but just said we should do it when we are all in the house rather than him having to spend 3 hours out in the cold - we will see what happens tomorrow.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 16:53

@Werk

Interesting about the app - my day of contact was last Monday and ties in with when I spent an hour at the shops/ post office.

He likes things in order and having control of situations- so little surprises like this do send him into a tailspin. He is usually ok - he is a workaholic and spends way too much time working but other than that he spends time with the DC etc. He isn't an ogre. He rarely has time to himself - he just never takes it and I think he expects me not to either (when we talk about this he denies it but there are always little digs if he thinks I have been lazy or had time to myself). I guess I feel guilty that he never seems to want down time - he is either working or with the DC.

I have just asked him why he insists on taking them out separately and he said he thinks it is better for the DC to have one on one time. I didn't argue with that but just said we should do it when we are all in the house rather than him having to spend 3 hours out in the cold - we will see what happens tomorrow.

When does he spend time with you?
Ithinkim · 27/12/2020 17:00

What a horrid horrid man.

I'd show him reckless. I wouldn't spend another minute with him.

DianaT1969 · 27/12/2020 17:01

Does he do any housework? Or is his work and spending time with DC his way of avoiding 'women's work'? Why not book a test for 3 days time, but before that, tell him you have a sore throat and retreat to your bedroom with books, films and spa products. He can have 3 days of full-time childcare, cooking and housework for being a moody, controlling twat.

DianaT1969 · 27/12/2020 17:01

I meant to say, the test will come back negative and you can all go out as a family next week.

MervGriffinShow · 27/12/2020 17:03

Your husband sounds like a bullying prick.

I'd be considering isolating myself from him on a permanent basis.

hiccupgate · 27/12/2020 17:15

I have the rage reading this. Your husband is a gaping a-hole.

EckhartLolly · 27/12/2020 17:21

There seem to be loads of threads on here today about shitty entitled behaviour that appears fuelled by misogynistic anger.
This man's behaviour is unacceptable, you don't have to justify what has happened. He should trust you and support you. Its a pandemic, there is a risk of getting it wherever you go. He sounds completely unreasonable.

freeingNora · 27/12/2020 17:25

This is sounds like a classic check out. Maybe he's a workaholic who's checked out of your marriage and relationship and has used work to hide behind. Now he's been caught out he's making you pay for it. The lack of empathy,love and support in your post is telling as is the fact he feels entitled to punish you for perhaps getting ill or exposed during a world wide pandemic. Where's the empathy don't worry love I'll shoulder the workload you relax

This is your life you really want to be like this in 50 years time ?

ReggaePerrin · 27/12/2020 18:33

He isn't an ogre. He rarely has time to himself - he just never takes it and I think he expects me not to either (when we talk about this he denies it but there are always little digs if he thinks I have been lazy or had time to myself). I guess I feel guilty

Look at what you've said again:
He denies it - ie he doesn't agree with you
He expects you to do the same as him
He thinks you having time to yourself is lazy
He has little digs
You guess you feel guilty

Are you finding yourself a bit confused about things sometimes? Can't understand his point of view because it doesn't really make sense? Find yourself doing things his way so as not to rock the boat? Don't tell him things you know will wind him up?

He likes things in order and having control of them, don't we all, but we don't all use something not going to plan as an excuse to behave like a shit.

OliviaPopeRules · 27/12/2020 18:36

Your DH is a grade A prick, I can't imagine this is the only time he has acted like a dickhead.

OliviaPopeRules · 27/12/2020 18:41

@Werk

Interesting about the app - my day of contact was last Monday and ties in with when I spent an hour at the shops/ post office.

He likes things in order and having control of situations- so little surprises like this do send him into a tailspin. He is usually ok - he is a workaholic and spends way too much time working but other than that he spends time with the DC etc. He isn't an ogre. He rarely has time to himself - he just never takes it and I think he expects me not to either (when we talk about this he denies it but there are always little digs if he thinks I have been lazy or had time to myself). I guess I feel guilty that he never seems to want down time - he is either working or with the DC.

I have just asked him why he insists on taking them out separately and he said he thinks it is better for the DC to have one on one time. I didn't argue with that but just said we should do it when we are all in the house rather than him having to spend 3 hours out in the cold - we will see what happens tomorrow.

Yep definitely a a dickhead a lot of the time it sounds like. Maybe explain he made the kids too and is equally responsible for them especially if you are both off work. He is really is a pathetic waste of space if he is only taking out one child at a time either A. because you have to isolate and is being petty and punishing you or B. he cannot handle his two small kids.
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