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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he punishing me?

112 replies

Werk · 27/12/2020 13:30

I received an alert via the Covid app that I had been in contact with a positive case and have to isolate. I got it on Christmas Eve and have to isolate until New Year's Eve.

The only place I can think I have got it is the post office - I went last Monday to send some Christmas presents (we moved into tier 4 so our plans changed) and I was in a huge queue - inside for more than half an hour. We had isolated from 11th Dec as our plans were to stay with MIL for Christmas (but that changed on 19th when we moved into tier 4). I also went into the food shop Cook to get some meals for an old neighbour who could no longer see her family and a newsagent to get a newspaper and magazine for her - all on 21st when the app says I was exposed. I was out of the house over an hour.

DH is furious. He made me go through everywhere I had been and was asking me whether I had seen someone I shouldn't have (I haven't- I have stuck to the rules).

We had no plans anyway but we go out with the DC for at least an hour a day - especially with my eldest who is a bundle of energy and needs to spend time outside. Just to the park or for a walk or bike ride- nothing major.

DC broke up from school on 11th Dec and we both worked from home W/c 14th Dec - I am PT but he is FT so I had been the one taking them out each day for their exercise - some days twice, usually 2hrs in total.

DH has refused to take them both out at the same time whilst I am unable to leave the house. He will only take one at a time because he doesn't see why I should get the privilege of being alone for an hour or two when I have been reckless Hmm (I was posting presents to his family too FFS). I feel this is cutting off his nose to spite his face - he was freezing the other day because he was out for about 3hrs overall.

He worked FT from 14th Dec - Christmas Eve and has next week off but he is now angry because we cannot go out for walks etc and I have "ruined" his holiday. He never takes annual leave - the only other leave he took this year he managed to coincide with DC being at school in September. All my leave has been used looking after DC. It wouldn't surprise me if he cancels his leave and works instead because I have spoiled everything.

I feel like he is punishing me - AIBU? I have spent basically one hour away from my DC and in that time I was exposed to Covid!! It is just as annoying for me too as I am on leave next week as well and I cannot even go out for a walk or a run.

OP posts:
Happychristmashohoho · 27/12/2020 15:49

Op I would still go out for walks in wide open spaces where you won’t meet anyone.

There are so many threads with dh’s that act like this, I never realised how many self centred, immature men there were around. I bet he’d feel really stupid if his parents found out he acted like this?

AntiHop · 27/12/2020 15:49

He sounds like an abusive bully manchild. I would be reconsidering the relationship

arethereanyleftatall · 27/12/2020 15:50

They aren't being nasty @StamfordHill
It's precisely the opposite. Invariably, they've seen this behaviour before, know what it means and what it evolves to, and are trying to help a female stranger not put up with shit for as long as they did.

DahliaMacNamara · 27/12/2020 15:53

He's being an absolute smeghead. If he had an alternative to shopping and posting parcels in mind, he could have bloody got on with it. Words fail me about not allowing you any childfree time. It's disappointing when plans don't quite work out, but most of us are grown up enough to deal with it and don't go into a strop like a spoilt kid not getting our own way.

BuntysTwinkle · 27/12/2020 16:01

It's VERY alarming if that app is sending out false alerts. If someone is in an abusive relationship, says they've stayed in, then their phone gets an alert to say they've been in contact with an infected person...

Hohofortherobbers · 27/12/2020 16:02

Presumably you were wearing a mask whilst in the shops? Does that mean you were not at risk of a positive case, presumably you weren't within 2 metres of anyone either so I would ignore the alert. Get rid of the app... and your husband

AccidentallyOnSanta · 27/12/2020 16:02

It doesn't matter if he is depressed,scared,anxious,disappointed etc.

You are NOT his emotional punching bag. He doesn't get to take all his frustrations out on you and punish you because he's pissed off.

He's miserable and wants to make you miserable too while making it's all your fault.

Someone who cares about you even a bit, would not do that.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 16:04

Sounds highly abusive.

Mmn654123 · 27/12/2020 16:04

The app doesn’t work properly at all. My neighbour and her husband have just had covid. He tested positive and his app told him to isolate once he had his results. Hers never alerted her, even though they are in the same house.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 16:05

Emotional abuse.

ReggaePerrin · 27/12/2020 16:08

I saw another thread on here about someone not being allowed to be ill - this what I get too, I always feel like he believes I am putting it on if I am poorly (which is rare, I am rarely sick) but I don't know if this is me feeling guilty rather than him? If that makes sense?

Is it that he can't stand having to step up to the plate, as it were, to do things that you would usually do or does he hate that he's not getting so much attention when you're unwell? How are your birthdays?

It sounds from your original post that he is using this as an excellent excuse for being angry with you and letting you know that. What is he like day to day when things are running smoothly (in his eyes)?

diavlo · 27/12/2020 16:09

Is he always such an enormous dickhead? I’d be telling him to get to fuck to be quite honest!

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2020 16:12

Fucking hell. Speechless. What an a grade arsehole your husband is.

FinallyFluid · 27/12/2020 16:12

You have to ask ?

AIMD · 27/12/2020 16:13

This sounds awful. Even if he is very anxious about covid that’s not a justifiable reason to treat some one like crap.

Also punishing your children by o oh taking one out at a time is pathetic.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2020 16:15

The app is so unreliable and that's why I refuse to install it. Your husband doesn’t sound pleasant at all.

My DH is currently being a bit funny as I've been in contact with a positive case....he's not saying anything outright, but I can tell he seems a bit off.

Your H seems very petty in his behaviour bu taking the DC our one at a time. Absolute nonsense that is.

I agree with a pp that you could go out for a walk in an open space. You won't be in contact with anyone else for 15 minutes and less than 2 metres.

I'd go stir crazy indoors for 10 days.

Arrivederla · 27/12/2020 16:15

@arethereanyleftatall

They aren't being nasty *@StamfordHill* It's precisely the opposite. Invariably, they've seen this behaviour before, know what it means and what it evolves to, and are trying to help a female stranger not put up with shit for as long as they did.
Exactly this.
Magicpaintbrush · 27/12/2020 16:16

What an utter utter arsehole your DH truly is. You haven't done anything wrong - not at all. Tell him to post the presents to his own fucking family next year, ungrateful prick. I am raging for you.

I would be reading him the riot act, how dare he. Don't roll over and take it, he is being completely unreasonable and behaving like a bratty toddler.

billy1966 · 27/12/2020 16:17

So abusive OP.

So nasty.

Please speak to Women's Aid.

Flowers
WhoKnew19 · 27/12/2020 16:17

It sounds as though he is taking all his frustrations out on you, as he 'needs' someone to blame. This is rather than accepting we are living in a global pandemic and therefore shit happens. It should be a minor annoyance rather than being the end of the world at this point.

There are a lot of men who can't cope when their wives are ill, or unable to do the things they normally do. It always sounds to me as though they consider their wives more to be 'wife appliances' which aren't allowed to break/become faulty in any way.

Hope you don't get the virus OP and that your 'd'h sorts himself out. If he doesn't, then a very serious talk needs to occur as you deserve to be treated better.

wildraisins · 27/12/2020 16:21

That is an extremely immature way for your partner to behave. Everyone in the country is currently at risk of being exposed to Covid, even those who are staying at home all the time. It's absolutely ridiculous to "blame" you for it when you weren't doing anything silly or against the rules. I would be very annoyed if my partner treated me like that.

Pinkandwhiteblossom · 27/12/2020 16:22

YABU to take the text so seriously. If I was feeling perfectly fine, especially if half a week had passed since the alleged contact, I wouldn't stay locked in.

Are you a virologist? Epidemiologist? Doctor? Member of SAGE? Any of those would qualify you to make the point above.

If not, you're stupid & selfish.

sage46 · 27/12/2020 16:24

He sounds like a nasty, misogynist, imagine 'punishing' your wife. I wouldn't stay with someone with such a petty meanness of spirit. I hope he commits to changing or you get rid!

TenaciousP · 27/12/2020 16:28

You can find out the 'contact day' by looking on the app and selecting 'about this app' and then selecting 'manage my data'. So you'll at least know what day the 'contact' occurred and whether it was the day you went to the PO.

I got a notification at 10:30 on Christmas morning. Cancelled all my Christmas plans. It was only on Boxing Day when I had a bit more headspace that I looked into it and realised my 'contact day' was when I didn't physically leave the house and no one so much as knocked on the door..,

Oldraver · 27/12/2020 16:44

Tell him you've been ordered to isolate so will be retiring to your room and he can deliver food