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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he punishing me?

112 replies

Werk · 27/12/2020 13:30

I received an alert via the Covid app that I had been in contact with a positive case and have to isolate. I got it on Christmas Eve and have to isolate until New Year's Eve.

The only place I can think I have got it is the post office - I went last Monday to send some Christmas presents (we moved into tier 4 so our plans changed) and I was in a huge queue - inside for more than half an hour. We had isolated from 11th Dec as our plans were to stay with MIL for Christmas (but that changed on 19th when we moved into tier 4). I also went into the food shop Cook to get some meals for an old neighbour who could no longer see her family and a newsagent to get a newspaper and magazine for her - all on 21st when the app says I was exposed. I was out of the house over an hour.

DH is furious. He made me go through everywhere I had been and was asking me whether I had seen someone I shouldn't have (I haven't- I have stuck to the rules).

We had no plans anyway but we go out with the DC for at least an hour a day - especially with my eldest who is a bundle of energy and needs to spend time outside. Just to the park or for a walk or bike ride- nothing major.

DC broke up from school on 11th Dec and we both worked from home W/c 14th Dec - I am PT but he is FT so I had been the one taking them out each day for their exercise - some days twice, usually 2hrs in total.

DH has refused to take them both out at the same time whilst I am unable to leave the house. He will only take one at a time because he doesn't see why I should get the privilege of being alone for an hour or two when I have been reckless Hmm (I was posting presents to his family too FFS). I feel this is cutting off his nose to spite his face - he was freezing the other day because he was out for about 3hrs overall.

He worked FT from 14th Dec - Christmas Eve and has next week off but he is now angry because we cannot go out for walks etc and I have "ruined" his holiday. He never takes annual leave - the only other leave he took this year he managed to coincide with DC being at school in September. All my leave has been used looking after DC. It wouldn't surprise me if he cancels his leave and works instead because I have spoiled everything.

I feel like he is punishing me - AIBU? I have spent basically one hour away from my DC and in that time I was exposed to Covid!! It is just as annoying for me too as I am on leave next week as well and I cannot even go out for a walk or a run.

OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 27/12/2020 15:02

@creatingausernane could the contact have had a negative test result?

Mmn654123 · 27/12/2020 15:02

And tell him it’ll be time well spent - even if he fails, it’ll be good practice for when he has the children staying with him, on his half of the week.

Mmn654123 · 27/12/2020 15:03

[quote oakleaffy]@Werk
Your DH sounds a selfish git.

Why on EARTH doesn’t he exercise both at once?
He just sounds mean.

Never heard of exercising two kids separately .
He sounds really petty.[/quote]
He’s not being petty. He’s being pathetic. He can’t manage them both together.

oakleaffy · 27/12/2020 15:03

@MiddlesexGirl

At least you get twice the amount of time without him!
Winner!😂😂😂😂
SmileyClare · 27/12/2020 15:04

He's behaving abusively towards you and I doubt this is the first occasion. No one deserves to be treated like that and I'm so sorry for you. None of this is your fault.

A normal reaction of a partner would be annoyed on your behalf, sympathetic, perhaps a little worried you might get symptoms and trying to make the best of it.

If you can get out for a walk with the children somewhere isolated then I would do that, just to get a breather from the awful atmosphere indoors.

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2020 15:07

I’m sorry but what a weirdo he is op. How do you stand it?

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/12/2020 15:08

He thinks that going shopping for food and the post office is reckless? Have you been shielding? Did he make his views on this clear before you went? Or did he know you were posting presents for his family and was happy with you doing it until it went wrong? It does sound as though he is punishing you, it's not like you were going to a party

beavisandbutthead · 27/12/2020 15:10

he is in a rage that during your trips out to the shops you may have been exposed to someone with covid. Is he stupid? We are in the middle of a pandemic with a mutating virus... I would divorce him for his sheer stupidity

ArabellaScott · 27/12/2020 15:10

OP, Flowers.

I'm so sorry. This man sounds vindictive, selfish and horrible.

endofthelinefinally · 27/12/2020 15:14

If I were you I would go out for a carefully socially distanced walk, wearing mask and gloves, leaving him at home with the DC for an hour.
The streets are deserted here. I have been shielding since March, only just off the really nasty immunosuppressants and onto some slightly better drugs. I still have to be careful, but I go for my walk once a day on the advice of my physiotherapist. If I see someone heading towards me I cross the road.
Thank goodness my DH has looked after me during the worst days of my illness. Your husband sounds cruel and spiteful. I am sorry.
Flowers

alltheadrenalin · 27/12/2020 15:17

Is there more to this op? If not why are you married to such a horrible man. What's the relationship like rest of the time?

CallmeAngelGabriel · 27/12/2020 15:18

How do you know you didn't get the virus from one of your children? Would he still be blaming you for that?

But actually, this isn't about how/where/from whom you caught it. Your husband sounds like a vile, vindictive bastard, and I would be seriously using this time to put my ducks in a row to see about ending things. This must surely just be the tip of the iceberg of unpleasant behaviour.

mrscampbellblackagain · 27/12/2020 15:20

As everyone has said he is being awful.

But who on earth has voted that YABU?

StamfordHill · 27/12/2020 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Werk · 27/12/2020 15:25

He is very worried about Covid, he has barely left the house for months. We agreed to isolate so that we could see MIL for Christmas but when we went into tier 4 (London) I stopped as we were not going to see MIL anymore. I had also planned to see my mum in a park to exchange presents but ended up posting them all to be on the safe side 🙄 I was probably in the post office for 40 minutes and of course I was wearing a mask but it was crowded (some people have a very strange idea what 2m is!)

I am annoyed too because I love getting out for a walk but I won't do it because we live in London and it isn't fair if I do have it.
Interesting that the app doesn't necessarily mean anything though.

DH can be very selfish but usually he can be made to see my side and that he is being unreasonable but this time around he is acting very strangely - like I have engineered this. He is very stressed about the Covid figures, his mum (who is depressed and basically hasn't seen anyone for months) and his job - he was really looking forward to next week.

I know I am making excuses, he really is being a dickhead. I will speak to him when he gets back with DD (DC are 6&4 and he can handle them on his own, he just doesn't do it very often).

I saw another thread on here about someone not being allowed to be ill - this what I get too, I always feel like he believes I am putting it on if I am poorly (which is rare, I am rarely sick) but I don't know if this is me feeling guilty rather than him? If that makes sense?

OP posts:
CallmeAngelGabriel · 27/12/2020 15:26

But I would bet my mortgage that this is not a single incident. It is saying very clearly exactly what sort of man he is - and it's certainly not someone I would want to even sit next to on a bus, let alone share my life with.
But, each to their own.

1frenchfoodie · 27/12/2020 15:27

he doesn't see why I should get the privilege of being alone for an hour or two when I have been reckless

What an arse.

Mmn654123 · 27/12/2020 15:29

Your update makes it even worse. Incompetent parenting can be improved. A nasty spiteful character is less easily corrected. You need to be much stronger and harsher is response to his crazy behaviour.

Mmn654123 · 27/12/2020 15:29

In response

BlackeyedSusan · 27/12/2020 15:30

presuming dh stands for dick head in this case.

hardboiledeggs · 27/12/2020 15:33

DH is an arsehole. You can be as careful as possible but you can still catch it anywhere. His lack of concern is another issue. If it were my DH I’d tell him to fuck off!

emilybrontescorsett · 27/12/2020 15:34

Once places are open, if I were you I'd be taking myself out for a solo walk to the nearest solicitors and enquiring about divorce. He is a vile piece of shit. You and the children deserve better. I'd also be telling him next year he can sort out all aspects of present buying for his side of the family.

MadeForThis · 27/12/2020 15:35

I would develop a cough and go and isolate in my room for the next 10 days. Let him sulk and look after the kids by himself.

Arrivederla · 27/12/2020 15:36

His behaviour is appalling. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not prepared to accept this.

SmileyClare · 27/12/2020 15:41

I understand he's bitterly disappointed about Christmas not quite going to plan, worried about his mum and so on. We all are. Tier 4 has made a lot us cancel plans anyway. He's making this all about him and deliberately hurting you.

I expect you've become used to accommodating his selfishness and it's become normalised for you. You say he "punishes" you when you've been ill for example and has zero sympathy.

I'm sorry to say this is not normal behaviour. He's cruel when things aren't going his way and dismissive of you.

It may be difficult but You need to spell out to him how he's treating you so badly and stop tip toeing around him "feeling guilty" if you want anything to change. Your children will think this is how a female partner should be treated; cold words and contempt. It's bloody unacceptable.

You've done nothing wrong Flowers

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