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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that a friend who dropped me 4 years ago and has now made contact again is not sincere?

85 replies

Livinginthecity · 27/12/2020 12:44

My first response is to ignore her like she ignored me 4 years ago. She's just popped up saying she wants to "catch up." Trying to work out if this is some kind of mind game.

OP posts:
ZippedyDooDa · 27/12/2020 15:26

I would need an explanation from her as to why she dropped you 4 years ago - and it would need to be a good reason. Without that, I would not continue contact. It depends whether you have any desire to have her back in your life.

DianaT1969 · 27/12/2020 15:27

It could be related to your holiday. She realised that you didn't have much in common and she decided to drop contact. A few years ago, an old friend of mine asked if she could join me on a holiday I had planned. She usually went away with other friends, but had fallen out with them. I reluctantly agreed, but warned her she would be on her own a lot (it was a sport-based holiday). She came and smoked continuously and talked non-stop. In the UK she was a social smoker, giving up and cutting down. Abroad, she was a 25 a day person because of duty free packs. I smelled it before and after every meal, constantly on our balcony and 20 times in between. The incessant talking killed me. When I escaped to participate in my sport, she tried to guilt trip me when I got back "I had to speak to strangers at the pool..".
Holidays make or break friendships in my opinion.

DailyCandy · 27/12/2020 15:29

Can you please respond with some kind of sales patter for essential oils/cleaning/beauty products? Would be fun to beat her to the punch.

Rainbowshine · 27/12/2020 15:32

@LampLighterInn click on the three dots at the bottom right corner of your post and click on report, you can then explain in the text box that appears and Mumsnet admins will sort it. You can’t delete your posts yourself.

Livinginthecity · 27/12/2020 15:51

Thanks for all the advice. I might just send a neutral text and not invest any exoectations into it this time. Maybe she sent the text while pissed and is regretting it. It's that time of the year. I did eventually unfriend her on FB so she must have realised that.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 27/12/2020 15:53

@Frenchdressing MLM is multilevel marketing - a pyramid scheme hiding behind “product sales”, also known as direct selling, network marketing and social selling. People involved are always looking for recruits and often start randomly contacting people, for example I’ve come across lots of situations where the school bully who made someone’s life an utter misery pops up on FB ten years later with “hi Hun, hope you’re well, I’ve got a “business” selling shite make up and thought you’d be perfect for it”. Four years of silence in this case and sudden contact feels like it might well have an ulterior motive like that.

OTannenbaum · 27/12/2020 15:57

Wow people are harsh here! I think it depends. Agree would be v annoying for old friends to get back in contact just to sell you stuff on MLM. But there are other possibilities why someone might want to revive a friendship.

I have had a number of friendships fall by the wayside somewhat, after a combination of being in an abusive marriage, child custody court issues following my child being abducted by his dad, struggling with bipolar depression postnatally, serious family issues (like my brother collapsing and dying age 37 out of the blue), and a stressful demanding job which I have to keep doing as a single parent to pay the bills... It started out as a combination of not living in the same geographical area as friends due to work and marriage, and got worse as my ex slowly but subtly isolated me from friends (saying we didn’t have the money to go visit my friend for the weekend and I should prioritise my child etc), and I became more ill (including a period of postnatal manic psychosis) leaving me initially embarrassed and struggling to explain to friends why I hadn’t been in touch. Kept thinking things would settle quickly and I’d get back to normal and be able to apologise and explain, and that my friends who are kind understanding people would get it and we’d be close again. 13 years later, I’m unfortunately still struggling with the fallout of the initial problems and also have new ones like my brother’s death and constant court cases, not to mention the endless grind of trying to make ends meet as a single parent and the small matter of working in the NHS during a pandemic. The longer we haven’t been close, the harder it gets to approach reviving a friendship, especially when as you all say, it’s upsetting if someone does this then can’t keep it up and I haven’t felt my life has been free from chaos for long enough for me to trust myself to be able to maintain a revived fragile friendship. But I do really want to and was starting to think about approaching them in the New Year, using the excuse of the pandemic as a reason for wanting to reconnect (it has been terribly lonely and I have realised anew that I don’t have enough friends and really miss my old ones).

There is part of me that thinks it’s not totally one sided, and that some of these friends should have tried harder to stay in touch with me too, especially when they are aware via social media and family and friends about some of the difficulties I’ve faced if not all. There is also added difficulty from being geographically distant from many of them and so perhaps some of the friendship lapsing was not either of our faults but just practical logistics. At the same time, I feel it was definitely me who let things lapse initially and declined invitations etc out of embarrassment and so it’s up to me to do the work of trying to repair the relationship.

Anyway this thread is making me feel I’d best not bother with plans to try to rekindle some of my old friendships! As people just won’t understand or forgive. I won’t blame them for that as I do feel I let them down by allowing my ex to manipulate me into placing less emphasis on our friendships but I genuinely miss my old friends and the pandemic has definitely brought that home to me in a big way and I’m very lonely.

Just to give an alternative viewpoint. There could be genuine well intentioned reasons to want to reconnect. And I wouldn’t say Facebook is a great indicator of how someone’s relationship is going necessarily. At one point my marriage looked picture perfect on Facebook too and I would get comments like “So envious of your perfect marriage” etc. Totally your choice but if this was someone who was a good friend at one point maybe consider giving them the chance to explain and apologise and try to rebuild the friendship. The pandemic may have made them realise that they are terribly lonely and need friends. You don’t have to be one of them if you don’t want to but it doesn’t mean it’s not a well intentioned overture.

Livinginthecity · 27/12/2020 16:37

From Facebook it looked like she was living the high life as usual- off on foreign holidays, dining out etc.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 27/12/2020 16:43

Surely if you wanted to rekindle a friendship you'd start with an apology and an explanation instead of pretending none of it happened?

Frenchdressing · 27/12/2020 17:13

[quote YouokHun]@Frenchdressing MLM is multilevel marketing - a pyramid scheme hiding behind “product sales”, also known as direct selling, network marketing and social selling. People involved are always looking for recruits and often start randomly contacting people, for example I’ve come across lots of situations where the school bully who made someone’s life an utter misery pops up on FB ten years later with “hi Hun, hope you’re well, I’ve got a “business” selling shite make up and thought you’d be perfect for it”. Four years of silence in this case and sudden contact feels like it might well have an ulterior motive like that.[/quote]
Thanks!

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