Am I being unreasonable to expect people with dogs to invite us round?

[alexandre]

My DD is terrified of dogs and it is a completely irrational fear that I can't do anything about. Most people we know have dogs including nearly everyone in her class. One mum is really understanding and puts the dog in a pen in the garden for the duration of DD's visit but other people just don't invite her round ever - when I ask her to ask the other children why they never ask her to play they say it's because she is afraid of the dogs. The same people often call us asking if we can have their kids round, collect them from school etc. but they never invite DD back, even her best friend! The same applies to some of our friends - they expect to be invited but never invite us back because of the dog terror. If I stop inviting them we don't see them at all.

At first I was upset, now I am just annoyed with everyone and annoyed with my daughter as well for not getting over her fear although I do understand how she feels.

Is it unreasonable to expect dog owners to put their dog in a separate part of the house for an hour or two if a visitor is really petrified?

Bozza - for some children it is straightforward, but for others its not. I've had experience of one of each sort. I've also had experience of a moving-car-phobic dog and that was bad enough; I'm very sorry to hear what your DD is suffering. It must be extremely difficult for you.

EmsMum it is manageable at the moment because she is only 3 1/2 and small so if all else fails I can pick her up. But as she gets older and more independent, unless we can sort it, it will become more of an issue. I have been considering a thread about it...

Bozza - yes, you need some help before she's bigger and getting towards school age. Good luck.

Bozza - that must be really distressing for you and your dd. She may grow out of it naturally but if you are concerned enough to want to take action then I would urge you to take her to a child therapist, contact the BACP for recommendations in your area.

Your dd appears to have a very deep seated phobia; when I have been posting about helping friends of my dds be more rational about their fear of dogs then it has been about giving them strategies and teaching them to deal with dogs and how to control our dog.

Your dd may well benefit from being given strategies to cope with her fears but she may be a little young yet, am not too sure. Like all CBT it will be gradually being exposed to her fears in a controlled and safe environment. You could probably do it yourself to a degree.

OP - what does your DD do when she sees a dog in the street, is she scared then?

YABU.

Im not precious about my dog at at all. He's a dog! and comes down very low in the peacking order in our house.

However putting him outside or confining him in a room could potentially be quite difficult as he could stressed and start chewing or detroying things. I wouldn't be prepared to put up with that just that we could have a phobic friend round.

Seriously consider getting a puppy (if you have room/time/finances) and involve you child with all the discipline and training. Once you lern to understand dogs, they are much easier to handle

There is a lot of mention of "irrational fear" of dogs. This overlooks the fact that being afraid of dogs is not actually in any way irrational- it is common sense and probably instinctive: if you saw a strange carnivore in prehistory, it may have been the last thing you ever saw if you were a defenceless child. Like strong and common dislike of certain food items, this is a survival tool for children.

It is another matter teaching a child how to reationalise and challenge such a fear. This may only come with repeated exposure and confidence-building of the scary thing- essentially aversion therapy. This is what we do when we convince our children to eat perfectly good foodstuffs that their instincts tell them are lethal- it takes time, patience and a fair amount of parental self-confidence. It's not something you can do unless you are convinced that they need to get over it. If you are scared of dogs/ snakes/ dislike fish, there is a high likelihood your child will too. Imitation of the parent who has managed to survive to adulthood is a survival tool in itself, so children tend to imitate fears and dislikes as well.

Just my tuppenceworth.

ps: dog exposure worked for mine- my oldest child once jumped off a pavement into the road to avoid a perfectly well behaved spaniel on a lead... A year spent alongside a lovely lab converted them completely, and we now have our own lovely lab.

BUT- when people come who are scared, nervous or apprehensive, the dog goes in his second bed in the cloakroom, where he is perfectly happy and alone, and catches up on his zzz.

Having said that, I would find it difficult to invite alone (ie without their own adult in tow) a child who went into hysterics every time they caught sight of a creature, and showed no signs of improvement as time went on. When you invite children over, there is so much to do, supervising, cooking etc... that having a child freaking out continually might make me think twice about inviting them. Sorry.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I have a cat, not a dog, but people get a vote in my house, not animals. If someone is frightened or allergic to the cat, he can stay in the kitchen for a bit. I am sorry that people are putting their pets above your dd.

I can't section off our dog, he gets all anxious and jumpy when he's shut in and this makes him bark which makes little people even more afraid. My dd then cries and asks for the dog to be let out. I really sympathise with the dog owning parents. You have to help your child overcome the fear I'm afraid.

I don't think it's a question of putting the dog above a child in the pecking order, it's simply about convenience. We don't have a dog (and dog-haters are one reason I wouldn't) and if we did we really don't have anywhere we could shut it apart from the garden which might be OK for half an hour but longer, in cold wet weather, would be unnacceptable.

I do think you are a little unreasonable (although I do sympathise). Expecting that your DD is invited and then expecting that they make special arrangments to suit her as well