Am I being unreasonable to expect people with dogs to invite us round?

[alexandre]

My DD is terrified of dogs and it is a completely irrational fear that I can't do anything about. Most people we know have dogs including nearly everyone in her class. One mum is really understanding and puts the dog in a pen in the garden for the duration of DD's visit but other people just don't invite her round ever - when I ask her to ask the other children why they never ask her to play they say it's because she is afraid of the dogs. The same people often call us asking if we can have their kids round, collect them from school etc. but they never invite DD back, even her best friend! The same applies to some of our friends - they expect to be invited but never invite us back because of the dog terror. If I stop inviting them we don't see them at all.

At first I was upset, now I am just annoyed with everyone and annoyed with my daughter as well for not getting over her fear although I do understand how she feels.

Is it unreasonable to expect dog owners to put their dog in a separate part of the house for an hour or two if a visitor is really petrified?

its worth a try, I've been to rehoming centre a few times tho and they can be quite noisy - dogs barking. Might be worth going without DD for first time if she's that frightened and have a chat with staff, most of them are desperate for people to help with walking dogs, they may even have a quieter older dog who would be perfect to start introducing DD to and doggie would love attention.

YA in no way being unreasonable. Every sensible and responsible dog owner should have some provision for putting the dog in a safe, quiet, comfortable, dry, warm/cool, and secure place when the need arises.

Some dog owners already think like that and I suspect that in the future more people will come to feel the same way.

Emsmum, dd is fine with doggy stories & watching dogs on TV. TBH it doesn't overly bother me, but I can see it is starting to piss my sister off as each time we visit, poor Daisy has to be shut in her house Ds isn't as afraid, he fed daisy biscuits out of his hand!

Havent read all thread in detail, but got the general gist from skimming it.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

However, the only thing that will help is slow, gentle, repeated (small steps at first) exposure to dogs. We know 2 families with children who are hysterical at the sight of our cat in the garden through a closed window and so consequently we always make sure the dog has been exercised (if it is a preplanned visit)and shut away, and that the cat is also out of sight. Doesnt do the animals any harm to have a bit of time out and I think it might even be quite stressful for a dog/cat to have a 5 or 3 yo screaming at the sight. My mum is also terrified of our dog and we always try and accomodate and empathise with her. When we got our kitten who was very small both girls learned to accept it in the room with us atleast but never in a forced way. The more relaxed 'no big deal/no pressure' you are about it, the more relaxed they will be.
~I dont necessarily think that getting your own puppy is the right path, but maybe trying to find a friend with an older gentler dog to have them exposed to is maybe a better way? but teensy steps, i.e dog in the garden minding its own business and looking at it through a window, and then when that is ok being in the same room with the dog (which is on a lead and therefore completely predictable and under control for the child's benefit!) then being closer etc, but this can take months...

But I agree that not all pet owners are understanding or have well behaved/good natured pets...

Dont know how much sense that made!

ive got a HUGE labrador, i would never shut him away. If people are coming to visit, they know i have a dog, they know they will go home covered in hairs,and they know if they have something to eat a stray dog hair may be in their food! ( i am clean, promise, its just those hairs get everywhere)

But i do remember as a small child being scared of big dogs myself. I used to go round friends and was told to get on with it.

If you can find a slow old dogs house to take her round and build her up little by little.

but YABU to expect people to shut dogs away.

I can see from both sides but i will just say that i think YABU in asking that your DD go to someones house knowing they have a dog and you(ie her safety net) not being anywhere in sight. I imagine its much easier not having your DD over than it is to handle the fall out from neighbours over the dog barking because its been thrown out in the rain for a few hours.

Agree with whoever said that you need some sort of therapy for her. even if its just visting someone with a v old dog at forst to get her used to seeing them and being around them

Message withdrawn

i have two large dogs that even at 7 years of age they are still excitable with visitors and jumpy so i always put them in the kitchen with the back door open. it is hard when they just look pleading through the baby gate whining but i feel alot of people will get put off. though i do not think this makes me a bad mother as pointed out by skidoodle. my son is 8 months and he loves my dogs always having a smile for them first thing in the morning. and they are good with him.

I do not want DS to be afraid of dogs, it irritates me that he is afraid of dogs. of course it is largely irrational - but those dog owners who insist that 'it's irrational, they should get over it, the child is the problem not the dog' - fair enough as long as not one of you have ever asked anyone else to deal with a spider, wasp, mouse, dead or alive, declined to drive in an unknown city or country, travel after dark, walk through graveyards at night etc etc etc.

You can say 'should' and 'ought' all you like but fear is fear and takes more than someone tutting about pandering to it to overcome!

Do dogs really "feel" upset about being shut away from a visiting child?

Aren't people imposing human emotions on an animal here?

There is a world of difference between a rational fear and an irrational fear. To have a wary and respectful attitude towards dogs is rational but to scream and scream when you just see one loose or feel unable to walk past one is not rational IMO. Walking through a graveyard late at night is a rational fear and a sensible fear to have as you are not necessarily safe.

If I had an irrational fear of anything or if my children did, then I would feel it is my responsibility as a parent to help them to change their thought patterns. If someone can't enter a house because they saw a spider there once, then this is debilitating to their life; in the same way that being petrified of dogs will hinder your freedom later on in life; what if your daughter fell in love with someone who comes from a 'doggy' family? - it would make life very difficult if, aged 25 she cannot even get out of the car when meeting the in-laws. The fear may always be present as we can't help what we are scared of, but the reactions and way you deal with your fear can be changed.

Getting a lovely docile dog from a rescue home may work but there is an onus on you then to give that dog the best life that you can, so if you have any doubts then it's not for you. If anyone lives near Nottingham then I would be more than happy to help with my dog, she has turned even the most adamant dog-haters into dog lovers.

Yes, IME they do Cammelia (my dog feels as though she has done something wrong) - then again she is a particularly intelligent animal.

I don't think that's possible, the dog would have to experience concepts of fairness and unfairness

I can't get inside my dogs head. I know that when the old one was shut away he would bark continuously and push out of the door as soon as it started to open. Whatever he 'felt' it was pretty clear he did not want to be shut away from us.

They don't have human emotions and understanding, they have dog ones which owners do their best to guess at. I think theres a continuum, humans are special but not off the scale.

I think we need a new acronym, alongside 'pfb' - 'pd' for 'precious dog', perhaps?

I AM trying to get DS to be less afraid of dogs. I don't expect him to be afraid of dogs by the time he is 25, but currently the lack of dog owners who do any of the things that would re-assure him means that we are having no success.

Children who are afraid of dogs need to see that they can be controolled - that they will be obedient, and that the woners will immediatly tell them to 'sit' if they look as if they are about to jump up etc...rather than bleat 'he's only being freindly' as the dog jumps up with it's mouth wide open and tongue flying. And who open the door BEFORE grabbing the dog by the collar.

I am interested that people are concerned that their dogs might have hurt feelings, but think the small children should just 'get over it', in effect. Can't the dogs 'get over it'?

Cammelia - I'm no dog person, but, anecdotally, I have known a very jealous dog. When I was a teenager my then boyfriend's family had a dog who used to go insane with jealousy when I cuddled up to my BF - the dog couldn't bear the fact that I was taking BF's attention away from him.

I consider my self a responsible dog owner with dogs that are on the whole obedient and well behaved but I have to admit that before reading this thread, I had no idea how many people are afraid of dogs or just how frightened they are.

I'm sure I'm not the only pooch owner who has been suprised and saddened by this?

My dd is 9 and petrified of dogs, so much so she nearly walked into the path of a bus, trying to get away from one that was jumping up at her on the pavement (the owner had it on one of those long retractable leads).

She does go to her friends house who have a dog, but she is terrified of it, because its young and jumpy and has bitten the girls father.

By Blu;-

Children who are afraid of dogs need to see that they can be controolled - that they will be obedient, and that the woners will immediatly tell them to 'sit' if they look as if they are about to jump up etc...rather than bleat 'he's only being freindly' as the dog jumps up with it's mouth wide open and tongue flying. And who open the door BEFORE grabbing the dog by the collar.

That sums things up perfectly . I doubt very much my dd would be so scared if the above was carried out.

the op has already asked for ideas on how to help her dd overcome her irrational fear of dogs. however, fears are overcome by approaching them gradually, not full on, full force "deal with it".

irrational fears are just that-irrational and many adults have them too.

my friend is scared of balloons. yes you may laugh but to her they are terrifying so i wouldn't pop one in her face. if you are terrified of dogs and one jumps at you, however harmless it may be, its going to have much of the same effect..and this is a child after all.

to me it would not be a problem to shut my pet away, it just wouldnt. i have five cats, they are pretty harmless but i would still chuck them out (and have done) if a child is scared of them. i have also chucked them out if they have started climbing all over visitors. why should visitors have to come out of my house covered in hairs? i dont let them climb all over me so wouldnt expect anyone else to put up with it.

Cool post Frightowl

Blu - I for one knew my dog didn't like being locked away but did it anyway for the sake of the visiting child. If he had been extremely distressed then I'd have probably encouraged DD to go next door more rather than have the child here very often. Its a matter of balance and circumstance.

Isn't it part of the safe training of a dog within a family environment that it should be taught it is lower down the hierarchy than its human owner. What's so bad then about keeping it apart from some visitors some of the time?