Am I being unreasonable to expect people with dogs to invite us round?

[alexandre]

My DD is terrified of dogs and it is a completely irrational fear that I can't do anything about. Most people we know have dogs including nearly everyone in her class. One mum is really understanding and puts the dog in a pen in the garden for the duration of DD's visit but other people just don't invite her round ever - when I ask her to ask the other children why they never ask her to play they say it's because she is afraid of the dogs. The same people often call us asking if we can have their kids round, collect them from school etc. but they never invite DD back, even her best friend! The same applies to some of our friends - they expect to be invited but never invite us back because of the dog terror. If I stop inviting them we don't see them at all.

At first I was upset, now I am just annoyed with everyone and annoyed with my daughter as well for not getting over her fear although I do understand how she feels.

Is it unreasonable to expect dog owners to put their dog in a separate part of the house for an hour or two if a visitor is really petrified?

The child is not less important than the dog - but is just not entitled to playdates.

Children need to get over their fear of dogs? Why? It's a rational fear. Every time you hear/read of a child being mauled by a dog, the owners are quoted as saying "oh it's such a gentle dog, never harmed any one before.. I didn't think it would ...." There's always a first time.

I'm scared of dogs. Also cows and horses although it doesn't stop me walking through fields, or past dogs in the street. I walk past, but I feel scared.

It's rational to be respectful of dogs and to always remember that they are animals, not human. It is not rational to be terrified of a docile family pet. One of my friends' little boy just screams and screams and screams whenever my dog is within 20 yards of him. She has never taken a blind bit of notice of him except to look pleadingly at me to make the relentless screaming noise go away. She doesn't go near him. She doesn't bounce around him. Yet, he is completely irrationally terrified of her.

I would not say it was irrational for him to be scared to touch her or be alone with her, but he is terrified of her very existance.

I disagree that when you hear tragic stories of children being attacked by dogs that they are usually docile family pets whose owners are surprised.

I'm scared of dogs, and am always amazed at the total lack of understanding shown by some dog owners. If somebody was scared of spiders would it be thought acceptable for a host to expect them to feel ok with a pet tarantula running around the house, or would the general consensus of opinion be that it should kept away for the duration of the visit? Somehow there is no such understanding for us dog phobics, we are just expected to get a grip. I would love to not be scared of dogs as I hate being scared whenever I take my children to the park and have tried two sesions of hypnotherapy with no success. If anybody knows any miracle cures (please don't suggest getting a dog!) then I'd love to hear about them.

I agree that exposure to nice dogs is really important. Dogs are part of life in this country (I assume OP is in the UK?) and being really scared of them is really inconvenient. Currently, my DS isn't too keen on dogs, but he was absolutely terrified of them until this summer. We spent a fortnight at a gite in France where the owner (who was resident in the other part of the house) had a very gentle, but rather noisy, little dog. DS went from being abjectly terrified to perfectly calm about this particular dog in about four days, and is now reasonably calm about dogs in the park or whatever.

Spiders are also part of life in this country but a fear of spiders seems to be much more accepted and understood than a fear of dogs - even though the fear of spiders is even more irrational as they can't hurt you! I really wish people could be a little more understanding.

TBH, I don't have an awful lot of sympathy with people who are scared of spiders either.

Not meaning to get into an argument with you Blustocking, but I'm curious as to whether there is anything that you are 'irrationally' scared of?

i dont think the op is being unreasonable. as much as pets are family (and i love pets btw), i dont see the problem with keeping an animal away from a child for the duration of the visit. i dont see the big deal.

when we visit a certain close relative we are not allowed to stay long. because their dog does bite. he bites them and he hates children. his owners admit it. we're made to go after a short while as they "cant leave the dog out for too long" ??!!

I agree there are too many irresponsible dog owners out there who care very little about the feelings of others but surely, most of the dogs a school child is going to come into contact with at a friends house are going to be friendly family pets?

A fear of any kind however, surely should be minimised if possible so that the child/adult concerned can feel more confident in life. Serious phobias of everyday things such as heights, spiders, crowded places or dogs must be a real handicap.

Most dog owners are responsible and with all the bad press dogs get these days, most of us are really concerned that any move our dogs may make might be wrongly interpreted and our poor dogs will end up in trouble. This is why when we have children round, I'm careful with how they are introduced and will keep them away if that makes people happier.

My dogs are both lovely and I trust them with my young DS and kids who know how to behave aronud dogs completely and utterly. Children do need to be taught how to approach any animal so as not to startle them same as we teach them how to cross a road or play nicely together.

YANBU

I can't believe people would exclude a 9 year old child in that way or allow a situation to develop where their kids play at your house but they never return the favour.

She's 9, she's a child, she has a fear.

Yes, hopefully she'll learn to get over it. But excluding a child because of something that is not her fault is just horrible.

I'm really amazed by how many people think it's OK treat a child like that. I mean, pets are great and all and if this was an adult being a PITA I could understand.

But really? Would you allow your child to spend time in another child's house, when their mother would basically be in charge, and NEVER invite back? And justify that rudeness by blaming the foible of a little kid?

At the very least they should be figuring out a way to reciprocate your kindness and hospitality to their children that does't inconvenience their dogs.

Oh and also, dogs that are jumpy are not well trained, so they're obviously as crappy at having dogs as they are at raising kids.

sorry - went off on one there!

basically think it is ok for dogs to be shut away for short while during a visit but also think DD would benefit from some help so she can rationalise her fear and become more confident. There, why didn't I just say that before?

Is it possible that people just don't realise how you feel? Maybe they think you don't want your child to come into houses with dogs if she is so frightened. Don't you have any friends without dogs?
Why not try asking people if your DD can come round and play, as you feel she is missing out, and then politely ask if they would mind keeping the dog away because of her phobia. I for one wouldn't be offended by that. I had a little girl round for tea last week (with her mum) who was frightened of my dog. I offered to put her out but her mum wanted to give it a go. By the time they left, the little girl loved the dog and wanted one for herself- not quite the desired effect.

We have a very friendly but excitable dog - I know that some people aren't 'doggy', and I always make sure that visitors are happy to meet her. I would have no problem with shutting her in the kitchen/garden/car if necessary.

I don't think YABU, BUT I think there is a lack of understanding & dialogue - the friends probably assume your dd doesn't want to go round. Talk to the parents! Say "My dd really wants to come & play, but she's afraid of Rex, is there anywhere you could put him for an hour or so?" You'll probably find it hadn't occurred to them that she flet excluded, and will be happy to help.

I have 3 DDs who are all terrified of dogs, which I think some how stemmed from me! I was bitten badly on the leg as a toddler, and since then have been terrified of dogs - never realised that I showed it with DDs (honestly) Always tried my hardest when they were around. Unfortunately DDs will not go to friends houses if they have dogs and they are loose, luckily most friends now about DDs fear and put the dogs out of the way!

What really upsets me most is when DDs come out of school and walk on the road, because dogs are not permitted onto school grounds all the owners wait outside sch gates on the path, my DDs will not walk near them and end up walking on the road! I always say in a very loud voice - girls you are more important than dogs, its your right of way! Yes I quite often get the evil from dog owners - simple question in my mind - what/who is more important child or dog?

pinkbubble, god thats really awkward isn't it, poor you and girls. I know I keep going on about it but have you tried to learn how to feel better around dogs? They are a part of life and they really can be a fantastic part of childhood.

I really feel for all you poor guys, wish I could help. Don't get me wrong, dogs are dogs not people but they are great fun and company and I can't imagine not having a hairy mutt about the place.

I was always brought up with a dog in the house, but would refuse point blank to take them out for a walk!

that's fair enough, have to admit poor old DH tends to get that job . My DS not at school yet but when he is, if I ever happen to be there with dogs, will think of you and DDs and make sure others can get by without being worried by my pooches.

I was brought up with a dog. I loved him to bits. He was just a mutt, no special breed & he was a crabit wee shite. We just had to ride by him on our bikes & he would have torn the leg off our trousers!!

Anyway, my dd who is almost 6 is heart feared of dogs. My sister has a huge black bouncy lab who is adorable & my dd cries almost every time we visit that the dog is out of her kennel/house. This morning my sis was dropping dd to school for me & as Daisy was out when we went round, dd refused to get out of the car. My nephew had to take the dog into her house before dd would get out. Now I know this is annoying, it annoys me as I know Daisy wouldn't touch dd, but I can't reassured dd enough.

My other sister has a yorkie that dd is also afraid of. Other sister has a king charles..dd also afraid of it. So it's not the size of the dog, she just has an irrational fear of dogs.

Though it may not be irrational, as next doors dog got loose one day & came over the fields, I heard dd screaming & went outside to see the dog with it's paws on ds's chest & dd trying to pull the dog off. It was a good dog, wasn't going to bite, but of course dd & ds didn't know that!

Today I had to leave the kids with dh's cousin for 20 minutes as I had to go to a meeting at school. I asked his cousin if she would mind putting her dog in the other room as dd was shaking at the thought of a dog she had never seen before. I was away 20 minutes & when I came back dd was sat frozen in the same spot I left her. The look of sheer relief on her face as we left the house was painful.

We were thinking of getting a pup, just to get her used to dogs... but maybe this is a bad idea?

I think if we bought a dog, all 3 DDs would leave home! It would make their home just so unbearable!

I put my dog away if theres a scared child. One of DD's friends-from-babyhood got scared of dogs for a while so our dog got put in a bedroom. He was not the type to snooze - barked incessantly. After a few visits (and my DD and her younger sister wanting to stroke doggy) she decided it was Ok to liberate him and is fine now.

Next door neighbours girl is petrified... in her case, I'm not sure playing at our house with dog barking all the time really helped her. We've hardly seen her since old barker died, which is a shame as new dog is much more laid back.

So... it may depend a lot on the situation. Some dogs will bark if put away in places or at times they aren't expecting. Putting a dog outside if its going to bark isn't fair on the neighbours. Some dogs might even be destructive (door scratching at least) - in which case, whatever the relative 'rights' of resident dog versus visiting kid, its just not going to be a practical proposition.

firefly, not sure about the puppy thing, it could work, maybe she could be involved in choosing puppy? But what if it doesn't work, you'd have to re home poor pup. Maybe you could test the water, do any friends have young puppy or maybe a breeder you were thinking of would let you introduce DD to young puppy to see how she feels and go from there?

I hadn't thought of it making her home unbearable

Or of having to re-home a dog

We have been looking at the adverts for the local animal shelter... maybe it would be a good start to call & arrange a visit or even to volunteer to take a dog out a walk a few time?

Honestly I really would think long and hard! Test DD out see what she says, I know as I have asked my DDs. They are not comfortable.!

FireFlyFairy... I'm not sure a pup sounds like a good idea in your DDs case, if she's even scared of a charlie (which are about the puppiest of dogs). Pups are usually more jumpy and scratchy and mouthy than adults...my DD adores dogs but used to be a bit wary of pups!

How bad is her phobia - does she mind books with dogs in, or play with doggy soft toys? If not, start with those. Can she bear to watch them on TV eg Crufts obedience and agility shows.