To think you don't let your kids stay up all night when you have company?

[GoToFuckingBed]

DB is visiting for the first time in 18 months with his two kids. We've been separated for a long time by borders and lockdowns. I was obviously very excited to see him, and my nephews too. We spend all day doing things with the kids, then have dinner and play a few games and usually (in the past) the kids would go to bed, and then we can have a bottle of wine, a grown up chat and watch some post watershed TV. Except every single night he has said to his kids they can stay up as late as they want, because it's Christmas. It's the fifth and final night they are with us, and I've just gone to bed before the kids again. They compete to try and make it to midnight and as a mum of a two year old, I can't even make it that late. I get one or two nights as a treat, but I'm annoyed we've had no time to chat about things that we can't say in front of the kids. Annoyed that we haven't got to watch any grown up TV. Just annoyed we've had no child free time! His kids are 7, 9 and 11. Their usual bedtime is 7.30/8pm. I really think they could of gone to bed on time atleast once, so we could catch up properly. I feel a bit sad. It just seems rude to me. AIBU?

Asking them if they could go and play or watch a film somewhere else, acceptable. But that would need forward planning on ops part seeing as she’s the host

No it would need forward planning on BIL’s part as he’s the guest. And anyway OP couldn’t plan ahead from something she didn’t know was going to happen.

It doesn't need forward planning from either if them, it just needs a conversation. Nobody is in the wrong here, they just parent in different ways. No-one is a mind reader. The OP wants to do something, she needs to tell her brother instead of seething for days. This is not complex, it means saying what you think instead of staying silent and resentful.

It would need forward planing by BIL for his kids to watch films if OP doesn’t have Netflix/ Amazon Prime etc. He’d need to take DVDs, firestick etc.

BIL is definitely in the wrong. I’m always amazed at the number of posters on MN who lack basic manners and have no idea how to behave around other people.

BIL is definitely in the wrong. I’m always amazed at the number of posters on MN who lack basic manners and have no idea how to behave around other people.

nice little goady post

it's up to the host to offer some activities and plan for the kids for a start...
but expecting your guests to be submitted to hours in front of the tv in the pretext of "adult time" is the opposite of good manners.

The OP wasn't inviting her boss for diner, but was having family over. Sounds like a poor host who expect children to have ridiculously early bedtime. Maybe one of these precious mums who insist on putting their toddlers in bed at 6pm and complain they are up at 5am?

BIL is definitely in the wrong. I’m always amazed at the number of posters on MN who lack basic manners and have no idea how to behave around other people

What? This can’t be serious? If anything it’s Ill mannered to decide when guests have to go to bed and when they are permitted to be in your company.

When you invite someone to yout home you don’t get to dictate when their children go to bed. That’s batshit.

I also think its really weird guests staying up later than residents

My brother always stays up later than me when he visits. It doesn't bother me, he's my brother, we grew up together.

Wow my own children stay up late most nights in the holidays. 10yo 10-11pm and 16yo 3-4am lol

@ChippyChickenChips

I also think its really weird guests staying up later than residents

My brother always stays up later than me when he visits. It doesn't bother me, he's my brother, we grew up together.

It’s so odd the house rules some folks have. I can’t imagine thinking people staying with me had to go to bed before I do. That’s just so rude, to have people as house guests and think you can decide their bed times.

My older DC are 8, 9 and 10. I let them stay up till 9:30 on Christmas Eve and I think around the same time on Christmas Day too but from last night it was back to their usual bedtime of 8. It’s important to maintain routine with kids, you only wind up with ratty children the next day if not. Mine still wake early even if they go to bed late you see so they end up knackered and look like panda bears.

I agree a couple of nights letting them stay up slightly later is fine but letting them stay up till midnight is ridiculous, especially the 7 year old.

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads
Oh the irony of slagging someone for not having the brain power to work out that the op may be from somewhere else. Then you proudly mention England as opposed to the UK.
Get that right up your brain power

Then you proudly mention England as opposed to the UK.
Get that right up your brain power grin

How is it ironic? England has different rules to other parts of the UK.

DB is visiting for the first time in 18 months with his two kids.

His kids are 7, 9 and 11.

How have they managed that then?

@Bluntness100

BIL is definitely in the wrong. I’m always amazed at the number of posters on MN who lack basic manners and have no idea how to behave around other people

What? This can’t be serious? If anything it’s Ill mannered to decide when guests have to go to bed and when they are permitted to be in your company.

When you invite someone to yout home you don’t get to dictate when their children go to bed. That’s batshit.

That’s not what my posts says, nor what it says in the OP. No-one has dictated anything.

A good host lets their guests do what they like, but that doesn’t mean that guests are not rude to be inconsiderate.

I presumed not UK, that's why I asked. I was asking where they are.

Bit touchy, these covidiots, it seems.

My kids normal routine on a school night is 10pm bed. So midnight at weekends and holidays is normal for them.

To those saying the op should tell her bil - I would think telling guests when to go to bed is ruder than kids being up later spending time with their family in the holidays.

A good host lets their guests do what they like, but that doesn’t mean that guests are not rude to be inconsiderate

How is it inconsiderate? Isn’t it more inconsiderate to want people to go to bed at a time that suits you and not them? Guests in my home can go to bed whenever they wish, I wouldn’t dream of having an opinion on when their bed times should be.

@Bluntness100

A good host lets their guests do what they like, but that doesn’t mean that guests are not rude to be inconsiderate

How is it inconsiderate? Isn’t it more inconsiderate to want people to go to bed at a time that suits you and not them? Guests in my home can go to bed whenever they wish, I wouldn’t dream of having an opinion on when their bed times should be.

If you can’t understand I cba to explain it to you. There are 1000s of people on the internet with no manners, not my problem.

OP hasn’t required her guests to go to bed at a time that suits her, that’s a red herring slash straw man.

If the children were being obnoxious or destructive then that might warrant a word to BIL but there is no hint of this, only the OP's own issues around drinking a bottle of wine, watching certain TV shows, and discussing certain topics with BIL while the children were still up.

My mind is conjuring up all sorts of unsuitable programming and outrageous conversation topics, not to mention scenes of wine-induced mayhem that the DCs need to be protected from.

What exactly did you have planned for your 'adult time', OP?

@mathanxiety

If the children were being obnoxious or destructive then that might warrant a word to BIL but there is no hint of this, only the OP's own issues around drinking a bottle of wine, watching certain TV shows, and discussing certain topics with BIL while the children were still up.

My mind is conjuring up all sorts of unsuitable programming and outrageous conversation topics, not to mention scenes of wine-induced mayhem that the DCs need to be protected from.

What exactly did you have planned for your 'adult time', OP?

Bit of a weird way to word it, not sure what you're trying to insinuate but I'll bite. By "adult time" I meant being able to talk to my brother about this shit storm of a year. He lost his job, we both lost relatives, it's looking likely my wedding is going to be called off by these new strains. He split up with his kids mum and there have been issues there. All sensitive topics you don't want to discuss in front of children, really. I wasn't saying send them off to sleep but to let the kids stay up until 1am, with me finally giving up and going to bed before them myself every night of your stay is a bit annoying. I love my nephews but three wild screaming overtired kids isn't my idea of a fun evening every single night.

And honestly what do people get Covid policing these threads? Get a grip. A single parent and kids can join another household, I'm pretty sure that's been the case since the start.

...three wild screaming overtired kids isn't my idea of a fun evening every single night.

Nor mine, and that greatly helps to illuminate your frustration.

I would say it's clear from your DB's failure to put his children to bed before they got to the stage of wild, screaming overtiredness that the issues between him and his ex are fairly obvious. He is playing cool Disney dad and letting the kids run wild, either because he wants to give his ex a two fingered salute or because he is basically very lazy. Perhaps he never contributed much to the actual day-to-day parenting of his children? The children will be delivered back to their mother in a complete state and it will take days for her to sort them out and get them back to normal.

If you get a chance at all, tell your DB to grow up, stop being so lazy, and start parenting his children. In the wake of a divorce they need more than ever a sense of continuity in their lives, a modicum of order, and an actual grown up in charge, not whatever it is that your DB is playing at.

Is he no longer living full time with his children OP? When I get time away with my children I love making the most of their company, with no work or school etc. I wouldn't want to go out of my way to have adult time without them. As a divorced parent I get plenty of that. I wonder if he is avoiding meaningful conversation? I am sure I am not the only one to have been desperate for a break from anything serious this Christmas.
It's also probably exciting for the DC to be visiting, there hasn't been much of that for children.
That said several nights staying up that late with a toddler, you are probably exhausted. I think it would have been ok to excuse yourself.

*I presumed not UK, that's why I asked. I was asking where they are.

Bit touchy, these covidiots, it seems.*

Why the fuck did you need to ascertain where OP was? We are not touchy just piss bored of sanctimonious COVID police going through threads constantly bleating "where are you", whilst not fully understanding the rules.

I think it should've been a mix of reasonable/late nights OP.

Yet another drama that could have been solved by simply having a conversation

Yup ! So many posts on here like this , do people never voice their opinion in real life and just Seethe silently until they can whack a post on AIBU ?!

Why couldn't they be shipped off into a different room?

Do you think maybe he didn’t want to talk and that’s why he stayed up with the kids? It seems to me that if he really wanted to talk with you then he’d have made the time. It’s not like they are toddlers who need constant supervision.