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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not speak with her anymore?

90 replies

HazelnutHotChocolate · 26/12/2020 22:04

Name changed as need a hard hat otherwise.
So, is it wrong to not speak to someone anymore who once helped you out a lot and was there for you?
To cut a long story short, we both connected in friendship through shared trauma. She was amazing and I will never forget it. However, while my life has improved hugely and did so after a few months(met a new partner, made a lot of new friends and basically became a lot happier) she never did. Things in a way got worse for her throughout various personal circumstances.
I feel bad for her situation but don't like how she seems unhappy that I am not also feeling as rubbish as her. We have fallen out a few times as she feels I do not value the friendship and got annoyed with me when I forgot to respond to her and return a designer handbag to her as I was busy. This was throughout the coronavirus period but things were unsettled between us before then.
So my question is, is it wrong to just not contact her anymore? And not feel bad for that, accepting some friendships serve only one purpose? I know people will say I am a user but it has changed it's course as some friendships do. She never complains to me but do feel there is never any positivity and it is draining.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2020 22:06

It is never wrong to end a relationship that has become miserable and toxic.

Neron · 26/12/2020 22:10

She helped you out a lot, and was there for you. What have you done for her? Have you been there for her?

Original poster
HazelnutHotChocolate · 26/12/2020 22:19

If she comes to me for help I would be there so I don't call that using someone.

OP posts:
coldwaterfeed · 26/12/2020 22:23

We're only hearing your side of course, but I think ending the friendship might be the best thing you can do for her. I don't get the vibe that you're a good friend to her either. May be best for both to call it a day.

Neron · 26/12/2020 22:28

What would you like from this thread? Justification for not talking to someone because you don't like how negative they are? Do you refer to yourself as a user because that's what you or others will think?

Letthemeatcakeagain · 26/12/2020 22:30

It would be wrong and horrible to never speak to her again. You are within your rights to end the friendship but you need to tell her directly that you feel it’s run it’s course.

Ellapaella · 26/12/2020 22:30

Just make sure you return that designer bag before you de-friend her.

LIZS · 26/12/2020 22:31

Do you ever just check in with her?

LouiseTrees · 26/12/2020 22:32

@HazelnutHotChocolate

If she comes to me for help I would be there so I don't call that using someone.
And if she’s too proud to come to you for help and would prefer you offer to help?
tigger001 · 26/12/2020 22:33

I think based on your little information, it sounds like now you are enjoying life, she should just snap out of her unhappiness as it doesnt really suit anymore???

She helped get you to that place, you should give her the same courtesy.

Noti23 · 26/12/2020 22:34

So you’re happy now and she’s not, so you’re going to cut her out?

IMNOTSHOUTING · 26/12/2020 22:38

Well obviously it would probably hurt her feelings. From what I gather she hasn't particularly done anything dreadful to you - she's just not very happy in her life and now that you are you can't be bothered with her and would rather hang out with more successful happier people.

I mean of course you can stop being friends with her. It does mean you're not a very reliable friend so you might feel justifiably guilty. Friendship sometimes is hard work when you're supporting someone through a tough time. It's up to you whether to put that work in or just cut and run. You say you'd help her if she came to you for help but that is what she's doing more or less and you can't be bothered with her.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2020 22:41

I’m no mystic Meg but I’m sensing a huge amount of I’m alright and happy Jack, so fuck you.

thebear1 · 26/12/2020 22:41

With her help you are now happy and you want to drop her. Yes, you will have used her.

Neron · 26/12/2020 22:51

And not feel bad for that, accepting some friendships serve only one purpose?
It was never a friendship though was it. The other person may have thought she had a friend, you, on the other hand, were just keeping her around until better things and people came along.

1Morewineplease · 26/12/2020 23:06

You have moved on to happier times and she is a reminder to you. You clearly don't want to be dragged back into your previous mutual misery.
What I find sad is that you've focussed on a designer handbag, which you've admitted to being to busy to return. Therefore, you're too busy for her.

It's probably for the best if you end this friendship... for her sake...after returning the bag. It will , hopefully, allow your friend to move on to find someone else who'll stick by her.

MariaK91 · 26/12/2020 23:10

Um it sounds a bit like she was a great friend and really supported you in a tough place and now it's your turn to do the same you're running for the hills. I get her negativity is hard but I'm guessing you weren't a delight when things were not going well for you, even if you think you were you probably were not. You seem worried that you sound like a user... Honestly you do sound like a user...

Nymeriastark1 · 26/12/2020 23:12

I'd like to hear the other side of this story.

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2020 23:12

Please return the handbag!

Butterfly3105 · 26/12/2020 23:14

@HazelnutHotChocolate Can i ask what harm would it do to just check in on her from time to time? If she was there for you when you needed it do you not feel morally you should be there for her? It also doesn't harm to offer her help if you know she needs it

Butterfly3105 · 26/12/2020 23:15

@Nymeriastark1

I'd like to hear the other side of this story.
Yup same i think she might say "User!"
SimplyRadishing · 26/12/2020 23:20

Very honestly you sound like a shitty and thoughtless "friend" who used her and now has no interest as your situation has improved.

Very much agree with the I'm alright Jack mentality and would love to hear her side of it.

Porcupineintherough · 26/12/2020 23:27

I hope you at least give her her handbag back before you drop her for your new life. Hmm

whichminoguesister · 26/12/2020 23:29

You borrowed a designer hand bag and then didn't return it? Wtf who does that.

21833efb · 26/12/2020 23:30

You sound very self centred and a terrible friend.