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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not speak with her anymore?

90 replies

HazelnutHotChocolate · 26/12/2020 22:04

Name changed as need a hard hat otherwise.
So, is it wrong to not speak to someone anymore who once helped you out a lot and was there for you?
To cut a long story short, we both connected in friendship through shared trauma. She was amazing and I will never forget it. However, while my life has improved hugely and did so after a few months(met a new partner, made a lot of new friends and basically became a lot happier) she never did. Things in a way got worse for her throughout various personal circumstances.
I feel bad for her situation but don't like how she seems unhappy that I am not also feeling as rubbish as her. We have fallen out a few times as she feels I do not value the friendship and got annoyed with me when I forgot to respond to her and return a designer handbag to her as I was busy. This was throughout the coronavirus period but things were unsettled between us before then.
So my question is, is it wrong to just not contact her anymore? And not feel bad for that, accepting some friendships serve only one purpose? I know people will say I am a user but it has changed it's course as some friendships do. She never complains to me but do feel there is never any positivity and it is draining.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2020 23:31

Reverse!

Porridgeoat · 26/12/2020 23:37

Very unkind and self absorbed behaviour of yours.

SimplyRadishing · 26/12/2020 23:48

Oooh cant believe i didnt smell the reverse....!

coldwaterfeed · 27/12/2020 00:02

I’m not getting a reverse vibe.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2020 00:06

We have fallen out a few times as she feels I do not value the friendship and got annoyed with me when I forgot to respond to her and return a designer handbag to her as I was busy.

Well, who wouldn't be annoyed by that, esp if you weren't responding to her texts/calls about it? Confused

Trisolaris · 27/12/2020 00:08

So you are too busy with your new partner and much improved life to remember to get back to a friend who you know is having a tough time?
You say you would be there for her if she asked but most people don’t want to be a burden and don’t need people to fix their problems as such, they just need their friends to stay in touch and be supportive.

MaliceOrgan · 27/12/2020 00:10

So everything is fine and dandy for you and you can't be arsed with an unhappy but very supportive friend. You sound lovely.

Return her bag and hopefully she will get some nicer friends soon

MaliceOrgan · 27/12/2020 00:11

Oops meant to use italics rather than strike through

NotEver0 · 27/12/2020 00:18

You are a user.being friends are about all the times,the good and bad whether that be your life or theirs,whether it means sometimes its you putting in the most effort or the friend.
You've moved on to happier times,shes not if you loved her as a true friend youd want to continue to help her and not flaunt your happiness in the face of her sadness .swings and bloody roundabouts.
She sounds like a great friend.

june2007 · 27/12/2020 00:21

Sometimes you drift apart, or move on. Thats fine. I wouldn,t drop her as such but perhaps just not contact her so much. I have friends I don,t talk to or see very often because we all live in different towns and have mooved on but still send christmas cards to and still contact on social media.

Nunoftheother · 27/12/2020 00:22

So she is unhappy because of a trauma that you also experienced and which she supported your through, yet now your life has improved (mainly through good fortune) you don't have the empathy to continue to offer her the "amazing" support she gave you.

With friends like you...

Nunoftheother · 27/12/2020 00:24

@june2007

Sometimes you drift apart, or move on. Thats fine. I wouldn,t drop her as such but perhaps just not contact her so much. I have friends I don,t talk to or see very often because we all live in different towns and have mooved on but still send christmas cards to and still contact on social media.
Apparently cows have best friends - until they moove on.
Bobbi73 · 27/12/2020 00:42

Being a friend means sticking together through the hard times. My best friend has had a really rough few years and has phoned me up in tears many many times but of course I'm there for her. She kept me sane a few years ago when I was having a terrible time.
We've been friends over 20 years and some of those have been difficult.
Please don't desert your friend now. Call her, have a chat, meet her for a walk or a coffee (if you are allowed).
If you dump people because they're not happy, you may find you have very few friends in the future.

BrummyMum1 · 27/12/2020 00:47

I’m no mystic Meg but I’m sensing a huge amount of I’m alright and happy Jack, so fuck you.

😂

Sparklesocks · 27/12/2020 00:52

Please return the bag before you do anything.

From your description it sounded like she helped lift you up at your lowest, and now she needs the same you’re not really wanting to put the hours in. Maybe that’s an unfair interpretation but that is how it reads. If her support meant as much to you as you said it did then it seems a shame to cut her loose but the fact is you’re a big girl and can make your own choices. However if you do decide to end things and later find yourself at a lower point in your life, please don’t try to reconnect with her solely to pull yourself up again.

NaturesEnd · 27/12/2020 00:52

I think she is best off without you

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/12/2020 01:03

Who does the bag belong to? Return it where?

The big question for me here is whether you don’t care that she’s unhappy now that you’re happy, or she’s unhappy that you’re happy.

FuckYouCorona · 27/12/2020 01:15

Wow! With friends like you who needs enemies eh? Hmm

snappyoldfart · 27/12/2020 01:37

I'm assuming OP won't come back - but I don't think I'd even want your friendship if that's what you do.

I hope for your sake your life stays on track, because if it does crash and burn you won't have that good friend to use anymore.

PrinnyPree · 27/12/2020 02:05

Yes you're a user, you took when you needed and aren't giving back when she needs you most, even the small courtesy of returning a nice item that was lent to you in good faith. Don't ghost her though for Christ sake have a little bit of decency towards this person who obviously helped you out alot and if you need to end the friendship because you are inconvenienced by it at least do it with what little kindness you can muster and perhaps admit to using her so she knows it isn't her that's the problem.

SLS500 · 27/12/2020 02:20

Maybe for her sake you should finish the friendship, but not before returning her bag.

Defenbaker · 27/12/2020 02:27

YABU, for being a self absorbed user. I've been on the receiving end of your type of "friendship", and it's so hurtful when a "friend" decides that you've served your purpose and it's time to throw the friendship away, like rubbish in the trash can.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/12/2020 02:31

She has got annoyed with you because she doesn't think you value the friendship because you don't...you want to cut her off completely because she has picked up on that rather than making more of an effort.

She is better of without you. Give her handbag back.

namechangeforfriday · 27/12/2020 03:15

You sound awful. Give her back her bag and hope your life doesn’t go downhill again because you might need her in future

catlovingdoctor · 27/12/2020 10:48

You sound like a very unpleasant and self-absorbed person. I hope she finds someone better to share her troubles with.