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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not speak with her anymore?

90 replies

HazelnutHotChocolate · 26/12/2020 22:04

Name changed as need a hard hat otherwise.
So, is it wrong to not speak to someone anymore who once helped you out a lot and was there for you?
To cut a long story short, we both connected in friendship through shared trauma. She was amazing and I will never forget it. However, while my life has improved hugely and did so after a few months(met a new partner, made a lot of new friends and basically became a lot happier) she never did. Things in a way got worse for her throughout various personal circumstances.
I feel bad for her situation but don't like how she seems unhappy that I am not also feeling as rubbish as her. We have fallen out a few times as she feels I do not value the friendship and got annoyed with me when I forgot to respond to her and return a designer handbag to her as I was busy. This was throughout the coronavirus period but things were unsettled between us before then.
So my question is, is it wrong to just not contact her anymore? And not feel bad for that, accepting some friendships serve only one purpose? I know people will say I am a user but it has changed it's course as some friendships do. She never complains to me but do feel there is never any positivity and it is draining.

OP posts:

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 27/12/2020 10:54

So you are kind of like a inverse fair weather friend? There when your life was rubbish for her to help you, but now you’re better you can’t help her?

There are times to cut out toxic relationships, but this doesn’t sound like that.

Original poster

HazelnutHotChocolate · 27/12/2020 12:53

I knew I would get a hard time.

Friendships drift. I don't even know if we would have become friends if we had not both been in a bad place at the same point in time. I don't see it as using someone if this has happened. As I said before, she knows my door is also open to her at anytime and that she can call me anytime she wants.
I have been extremely busy these past few months so the handbag should have been returned earlier but I had a lot to juggle and I did apologise to her.
I also wished her happiness for 2021.
I just think some friendships are either made in times of pain when they wouldn't really have formed or people move onto different experiences. I don't feel we should be forced friends because of the past.

I have done a lot of work on myself and am now at a great point in my life. She is not there yet. I can support her with that if she needs it but I cannot allow it to interfere with my happiness. I don't think that is selfish at all. I just think now, we are both in different places mentally and there is a lot of bad feeling which life is too short for. I can't apologise for my life moving onto a happier place.

OP posts:

InTheDrunkTank · 27/12/2020 12:56

Surely that's the definition of selfishness. You'll help her only if it doesn't impact you at all. I don't really understand how being her friend interheres with your happiness anyway?

she knows my door is also open to her at anytime and that she can call me anytime she wants.

Why say this when you clearly don't mean it? This entire post is about the fact you don't want to be friends with her any more. You couldn't even be bothered to find time in your busy schedule to return her expensive handbag. So clearly your door isn't always open and you're not prepared to help her.

Just be honest. 'You were useful to me when I was in a bad way but now I'm not any more you're bringing me down and no longer useful so you're out the door.'

VettiyaIruken · 27/12/2020 12:58

So she's outlived her usefulness to you then?

LIZS · 27/12/2020 12:58

Clearly you don’t see it the same way as your friend or most posters. Yes you may have become friends due to a coincidence of circumstances but you have allowed it to drift to the extent that maybe she feels you are less approachable. You don’t need to apologise for your relatively better circumstances but a little empathy might help.The least you can do is offer to return the bag and see if she wants to maintain contact.

Sn0tnose · 27/12/2020 13:11

I don't even know if we would have become friends if we had not both been in a bad place at the same point in time. I don't see it as using someone if this has happened Which sounds an awful lot like ‘I was friends with her because I had no partner and no other friends. But I’ve got them now, so she’s outlived her usefulness’. That is the very definition of being a user.

I think it might help you to remember that there are peaks and troughs in every life. You might feel like you’re riding high now, with your new mates and your new boyfriend, but let’s hope they don’t disappear when you go through the next tough period in your life, or when they realise your attitude towards friendships.

If you haven’t already, give her her bag back and leave the poor sod alone. Nobody needs a friend like you when they’re already having a tough time.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 27/12/2020 13:18

Take the haribos out of the bag before you give it back.

Nymeriastark1 · 27/12/2020 13:20

"I don't even know if we would have become friends if we had not both been in a bad place at the same point in time. I don't see it as using someone if this has happened Which sounds an awful lot like ‘I was friends with her because I had no partner and no other friends. But I’ve got them now, so she’s outlived her usefulness’. That is the very definition of being a user."
@Sn0tnose yea and once he realises what kind of person she is and he dumps her, she'll go crawling back to the friend since she'll be useful again.

MRex · 27/12/2020 13:25

Sounds like you've used her just as much as you need to. Please do actually return her bag and any other of her possessions. It would also be polite to let her know that you don't wish to continue the friendship, so that she isn't left hanging wondering why you send messages to wish her well yet won't answer her messages back. Once she can see for herself the type of person you are, she can be free to make better friendships that are more equal.

lcdododo · 27/12/2020 13:28

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: YES
OP: No, I'm not

buckeejit · 27/12/2020 13:28

Of course it's selfish - I'll help her if she asks but won't actually put myself out. Who's going to turn to someone who clearly doesn't want them for help. You do sound like a bad friend. It doesn't take much to distance yourself but also check in periodically since she was such a hep to you. While she may not be entitled to return care, there is a scale to balance in friendships. Imagine if she had dropped you when you needed her most.

Buttercream22 · 27/12/2020 13:32

Oh my, I agree with the other posters OP.
Sorry to be blunt, but your friend deserves better than you. Return the bag, explain why you no longer want to be friends and leave her be.

She sounds like a good friend....helping you through the bad times and now your 'riding high' you want nothing to do with her!

Tal45 · 27/12/2020 14:01

What if you were still doing badly and she was doing well now, would you think it was fine for her to drop you?

VetiverAndLavender · 27/12/2020 14:40

I'm going to go against the grain here. We don't know the nature of the trauma, what either woman did to support the other, how long they have been friends, etc. (unless I missed some details). It could be that OP has genuinely given as much as she's taken from the friendship, but is finding that her former friend is stuck in a rut, threatening to keep OP tethered to a low spot that she's ready to leave behind, but which the friend either can't or won't move on from. (Though I will say that the comment about having worked on herself rubs me the wrong way... And of course she wanted her bag back!)

I think that when you become friends with someone when you're both in a low period of your lives, you may not notice things about one another that you otherwise would immediately spot (and which would either prohibit or limit the friendship). Maybe the friend has a personality that means she's naturally always more negative than OP is. Some people do have a negative, pessimistic personality, and they can be very draining, in the long term. Not everyone has a high tolerance for it.

OP, you're just going to have to accept that whatever you do, someone will be able to find fault with you. If you're satisfied that you've tried to be a good friend but it isn't working, do what you feel is right. You don't have to remain close friends forever. People and circumstances change.

bloodyhairy · 27/12/2020 14:42

Talk about 'I'm alright Jack!'

I seriously hope karma doesn't come bite your smug arse!

MagicMojito · 27/12/2020 14:56

God you seem insufferable. You should send her what you have written here, she'll run for the fucking hills if she's got any sense.

Yes, yabu.
Yes, you are a user.

Nooz · 27/12/2020 15:05

The evidence of 'being in a good place' and 'having worked on myself' is that the life around us thrives too.

IF you are being disingenuous then no one on Mumsnet need worry because life will bite your arse for you.

lyralalala · 27/12/2020 15:22

Nobody is too busy to return something they’ve borrowed from their friend for months. That’s a pathetic excuse for ditching a mate and planning on stealing her bag.

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2020 15:31

Your update just makes you sound even more of a twat to be honest

Spied · 27/12/2020 15:33

She's asked for the bag back while you were hoping she'd remain so downtrodden that she wouldn't dare ask and you'd get away with keeping it.
She'll be improving her life immensely if she erases you from it to be honest.

secular89 · 27/12/2020 15:44

You sound like a bad friend.

Original poster

HazelNutHotChocolate · 27/12/2020 17:05

Well I guess I was asking for it posting on here

I have a very busy life and a huge family. I know she was there for me when times were hard but in my defence the intensity of the friendship we had could not continue as it was not sustainable. It's difficult as most of us know juggling life, kids, work, family and friends.
I am juggling so many plates and I don't think it's wrong to consider where friendships are at and to think about what we are getting from them. I wish her no harm and want her to be happy. I think it will be a natural ending and that's OK. Not every friendship is for life. For the record, I wouldn't go running back to her if my life imploded again as I have learnt the tools to help myself from ever falling that deep again.
As another poster said, I wouldn't be able to say the right thing here without getting jumped on. Many friendships do not last the long haul. It isn't the wrong thing to think about where our energies are going and what is making us happy.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 27/12/2020 17:40

"Many friendships do not last the long haul."

Well, as long as you got out of it what you needed 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

BakedTattie · 27/12/2020 17:49

Awful. Your behaviour and intentions

Eryouwhat · 27/12/2020 18:01

If this isn’t a reverse, this is awful from start to finish

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