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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want some space?

87 replies

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 15:51

Dh is off for two weeks, last week and this. Because he is off I’m not allowed to do anything else. We are tier 2 and I wanted to meet two friends outside who I’ve only seen once this year but I’m not allowed. I have to do everything with him because he is off work. I can’t even go for a walk without him getting annoyed. I’ve spent a full week with him and the children and Im suffocating. He doesn’t have any time away exactly but he goes off and watches tv on his own and I have the children but if he wanted to go and do something without us it wouldn’t be a problem.
It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot breathe. I asked if I could meet them tomorrow morning and he said no and lost his temper. He says I should want to spend my time with him.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 26/12/2020 15:52

Abusive controlling twat.

Oldbutstillgotit · 26/12/2020 15:54

What would happen if you just shouted bye and left ?

Eckhart · 26/12/2020 15:54

What happens if you don't do what he says? How far does he go?

ErrolTheDragon · 26/12/2020 15:54

Why do you need his permission to do things? Doesn't he think you're an equal, independent adult?

Read up on coercive control. Putting a wedge between you and your friends is a red flag.

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 15:59

He’s ok about me seeing my friends if he’s busy or at work.
But not if he’s at home.
If I just left and shouted bye? I wouldn’t do it. He’d be livid. I don’t even dare ask most of the time. I asked and he said he provides everything for the family and I don’t want to spend time with him so maybe he will stop providing and then see if I want to spend more time with him.

OP posts:

Sn0tnose · 26/12/2020 16:01

This is abuse. Please, if you can do it safely, contact Women’s Aid and ask them for help. This is not normal.

SadderThanEeyore · 26/12/2020 16:01

What a charmer he is. You will end up hating him if you allow this to continue.
Can you talk to him? If not, you need to consider your next moves.

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2020 16:02

If I just left and shouted bye? I wouldn’t do it. He’d be livid. I don’t even dare ask most of the time. I asked and he said he provides everything for the family and I don’t want to spend time with him so maybe he will stop providing and then see if I want to spend more time with him.

Are you frightened he would be violent if you go out, or change the locks? Or are the threats of fiscal abuse as far as it goes?

Do you work yourself?

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:02

I work but he earns a lot more than me - well into six figures.

OP posts:

dontlikebeards · 26/12/2020 16:03

This is abuse. This is not normal behaviour.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 26/12/2020 16:03

Imo sort out a job if you haven't got one. Make plans to end this abusive life.
Confide in your friends...

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:04

I don’t think he’d be violent but he’d certainly be angry. Extremely extremely angry.
It’s ok if I do things when he’s already busy.

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 26/12/2020 16:05

I work but he earns a lot more than me - well into six figures.

Would you be able to pay the mortgage if you get him to go?

His behaviour is abusive and abnormal.

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:07

He wouldn’t go. There’s not a chance in hell.
I just wondered if it was unreasonable of me to want to do something away from him over Christmas - he’s constantly at me.

OP posts:

Tearsfortiers · 26/12/2020 16:09

You are not in a normal, healthy relationship. You don't have to live like this.

SadderThanEeyore · 26/12/2020 16:09

I think you may do well to visit the relationship boards op. He's a manipulative bully.
Take stock of what you want, and then you can get the support to make that happen

foreverandalways · 26/12/2020 16:10

Not normal,,,,,,,

parallax80 · 26/12/2020 16:11

My ex was like this. Things escalated. Eventually I left, with the help of GP and Refuge.

It’s been very hard but also amazing. You deserve better.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/12/2020 16:15

Of course YANBU to want some time for yourself.
Earning a six figure sum doesn't make him a superior being who gets to decide heat you do. It certainly doesn't give him the right to have you scared to even ask him if you can go out with your friends.

Rummikub · 26/12/2020 16:15

I wonder if he doesn't want to be responsible for dc on his own?

ErrolTheDragon · 26/12/2020 16:16

What not heat.

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:16

I do not like how he immediately says he wont spend any money on us as his default response. As though he can buy me.
He doesn’t spend a lot anyway.
I hate being scared to ask about doing things.

OP posts:

Rollingpiglet · 26/12/2020 16:16

As others have said, that is absolutely not normal. It is really wrong that you should have to ask him for permission to go out, as if you were a child. You are completely reasonable to want some time to do your own thing.

billy1966 · 26/12/2020 16:18

Hugely abusive.

This isa highly controlling relationship.

Is this how you want to live.?

Original poster

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:19

I don’t want loads of time. I just wanted half a day.
He said I could go when he’s playing golf next week but they can’t do that day.

OP posts:

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