To want some space?

[Gatherthemarshmallows]

Dh is off for two weeks, last week and this. Because he is off I’m not allowed to do anything else. We are tier 2 and I wanted to meet two friends outside who I’ve only seen once this year but I’m not allowed. I have to do everything with him because he is off work. I can’t even go for a walk without him getting annoyed. I’ve spent a full week with him and the children and Im suffocating. He doesn’t have any time away exactly but he goes off and watches tv on his own and I have the children but if he wanted to go and do something without us it wouldn’t be a problem.
It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot breathe. I asked if I could meet them tomorrow morning and he said no and lost his temper. He says I should want to spend my time with him.

I’d NEVER be allowed to go away for a weekend, no way. The children would hate it too.

He’s been numerous times though. And for several nights abroad - I couldn’t afford that anyway.

Does he not want any time on his own with the kids?

He sound extremely controlling and it sounds like there is a level of financial abuse too. You deserve better than this - you are not a dog, to be controlled.

Are you reading and understanding what people are writing?

He is controlling you. It is abusive. It is not normal

I think it might be that - he doesn’t want the children on his own. Before I had them I used to go places and stop overnight sometimes if it was a friend a distance away. It stopped after I had dc1, partly because I hadn’t the money but mostly because dh has never done any of the care for the dc.
I actually wouldn’t feel happy to leave them with him. I don’t trust him with them. I don’t think he’d harm them but I worry that he’s never done it and they’d be upset and he’d get angry. I can’t imagine the freedom of being able to walk out the door and go anywhere and feel the dc are ok and not worrying.

Why are you with him?
He's an abusive and controlling freak and you are scared of him. This is not a healthy relationship to be modelling for your kids. They will copy you.

He is not the boss of you.

He is not the king of your family.

You should not have to feel scared of him.

This is not a healthy relationship OP, please get yourself some help. You'll get lots of good advice on the Relationships board on here for starters. Good luck.

OK, OP. This is a really important question. Can you give us the reasons you stay with him?

It may well be that he doesn’t want to look after his children, which in itself is a problem, but he is also abusing you Op . Please say you can see it .

You wouldn’t be “allowed”! That’s not normal. I never have to ask if I’m allowed to do something and you should not be fearful of his response. Too many red flags OP, this is controlling and abusive.

Someone capable of earning a six figure sum should be perfectly capable of figuring out how to look after his children.
If he's likely to get angry with them then you're stuck, until they're older or you all get out from this. How old are they now?

Do you have access to money? Why can he afford to go away but you can't? You should have equal funds. Apart from that he is extremely controlling and therefore abusive.

He makes a big thing of saying he’d never stop me doing anything I wanted... but he has and he absolutely feels he has the right to say no to what I think are normal requests.
I’m with him out of habit. Because I’m scared. Because I don’t want to lose my children 50% of the time. Because right now I’m a buffer between him and then, especially my youngest dc who is only 6 and is massively massively attached to me.

I don’t have equal access to money but that’s ok.

It’s more that I feel constantly that he is the one ‘in charge’ I don’t feel an equal.

OP,

While you think about all of this, getting copies of all your finances, accounts, deeds, payslips, passports etc. Would be very helpful.

By him not allowing you to leave the house without permission and by virtureof the fact that he is a very angry nan that you feel scared of....he is committing a crime.

It may take you awhile to absorb that, but his.

Coercive Control is a crime in the Uk.

Please look it up.
Women's Aid could help you.

Has he ever done anything bad to the children? Does he get angry with them?

I'm sorry, I'm asking a lot of questions. I hope it's not horrible answering them. I hope it's more of a relief to be talking about it.

Hello, please see if you can speak to someone like Women’s Aid as other posters have said. Wanting some space when the other person wants to spend time with you is one thing. What you are describing is something else entirely.

FWIW, I earn well into six figures and my husband has always earned a lot less than me and even less during the last year because of the nature of his work. Never in a million years would I threaten to take away his or the family’s security, because we are a unit that work together and love each other. It is not right for one person to feel beholden to the other. Things we are “not allowed” to do in our house?

• make significant plans with the other person’s time without asking them (“yes of course he can look over your son’s draft essay” or “yes of course she can help check your tax calculation” isn’t a significant plan)
• make significant plans with the family money, as large expenses are discussed.
• try a different parenting approach without discussion.

And that’s it. As adults we do not stop each other doing things that they want to do and we certainly don’t keep each other away from our friends. Ponder why he might be doing that in particular. I wish you and your children all the very best.

No he’s just not very hands on. He wouldn’t just take over when I go out. He has to have step by step instructions and he wouldn’t put the children to bed or anything. He doesn’t just do it and it makes me hugely stressed. It’s probably my issue.

WTF...

I hope things change, OP, but only you can make that happen and I can u dear stand how bloody terrifying that must seem. However, not being able to leave the house because he doesn’t want you to is beyond outrageous.

Could you/have you talked to your friends about how things are for you with being allowed/not allowed to do things?

No, but I’ve known over the years that some things they’ve done I wouldn’t be allowed to do and so I’ve just made excuses. Or I might be allowed if I asked and asked and asked and negotiated and it’s just a lot of hassle.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

No he’s just not very hands on. He wouldn’t just take over when I go out. He has to have step by step instructions and he wouldn’t put the children to bed or anything. He doesn’t just do it and it makes me hugely stressed. It’s probably my issue.

This is a grown man capable of doing a well paid job. The children are old enough to tell him what needs doing if he can't figure it out if the youngest is 6.

And yet with this attitude, you think he'd want 50% custody if you split up with him?

Gatherthemarshmallows posted:

"No he’s just not very hands on. He wouldn’t just take over when I go out. He has to have step by step instructions and he wouldn’t put the children to bed or anything. He doesn’t just do it and it makes me hugely stressed."

So, he can't be bothered to look after his own children... at all. Which makes it unlikely he'd be interested in full custody or even 50% custody if you divorce him. Which means you needn't worry about that issue too much (although bear in mind he might use the threat of a custody battle just to punish you).

He sounds like a nasty controlling abuser. I hope you manage to end this marriage, I've seen other women in similar positions, who wasted years in the hope that things would get better. It never did.

This is not ok. You are very much in an abusive relationship.