To want some space?

[Gatherthemarshmallows]

Dh is off for two weeks, last week and this. Because he is off I’m not allowed to do anything else. We are tier 2 and I wanted to meet two friends outside who I’ve only seen once this year but I’m not allowed. I have to do everything with him because he is off work. I can’t even go for a walk without him getting annoyed. I’ve spent a full week with him and the children and Im suffocating. He doesn’t have any time away exactly but he goes off and watches tv on his own and I have the children but if he wanted to go and do something without us it wouldn’t be a problem.
It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot breathe. I asked if I could meet them tomorrow morning and he said no and lost his temper. He says I should want to spend my time with him.

@Gatherthemarshmallows

No he’s just not very hands on. He wouldn’t just take over when I go out. He has to have step by step instructions and he wouldn’t put the children to bed or anything. He doesn’t just do it and it makes me hugely stressed. It’s probably my issue.

Thinking that it's your issue is your only issue, in terms of yourself. All your other issues are him.

Imagine if you stopped thinking every time something upset you or restricted you, that it was definitely not your fault, but actually him upsetting you and restricting you.

Would life be different?

This is horrendous. He’s whittled away at you until you’ve made yourself so small as to become invisible.

OP you have every right to see your friends, to go out, to have equal access to money, to not feel scared. He is abusive and you need to take the first step to finding some independence. Phone women’s aid or a local DV charity (there will be details on your local police force’s page).

What he is doing is coercive control and is a criminal offence. I have covered many of these cases and some of them have not been as bad as the way he is treating you. None of this is your fault.

Ask to do things? No. Adults tell eachother they are doing things, not ask for permission. I'm sorry you're in this situation and hopefully these replies make you realise how not OK this is

Fucking hell OP - it's scary that you can't see the abuse. He sounds financially abusive too - if he's earning 6 figures, there's no way you should be short of money, and you stated that there's no financial equality - its abuse. Just because he's not violent doesn't mean it's not abuse. You need to do the freedom program and start keeping a diary of his behaviours so you can look at it and see the pattern.

You are the boiling frog OP.

Please also remember that “his” salary is earned on the back of your domestic labour that is enabling him to do it unencumbered (while you work and do everything with the kids). That’s not his money. What if YOU threatened to just stop providing what you provide? Honestly the greatest trick the patriarchy ever played was convincing women with higher-earning husbands that the men were the sole providers.

Are you hearing these replies? They are unanimous.

This is just so horribly sad. You are a grown adult not his possession. You shouldn’t have to ask permission or risk “very angry” for anything. You need to get out of this any way you can, yes even if this means a worse house/ no holidays/ kids changing schools. Not only for your sanity but for your kids’ mental health.

I remember that feeling of having to have permission from my ex to do normal things. Once I rebelled by ordering a meal that was banned (he had very controlling behaviour around food) when I was out on a errand and went to a cafe. I didn't enjoy it for fear that he'd have decided to come and find me and the trouble there'd be if he caught me. Looking back I didn't realise at the time that it was abuse, it took him becoming violent for that to dawn on me. He's dress his behaviour up with "I'm only concerned for your well-being therefore we will only eat healthily", "you're vulnerable out alone" etc. You can have a better life and I really hope you do.

This is up there with shocking posts for me OP, it's massively abusive! It sounds like the only thing he hasn't done is hit you, he's angry, financially abusive, controlling, the list goes on.

It's really awful that you can't imagine having a bit of freedom. It's so easy for us to say it but you shouldn't be with him, do you want to waste your life with him?

Hope you are feeling ok OP. Here’s an Instagram highlight that I wanted to share with you. As the writer says, it’s never too late to become the centre of your own story.
www.instagram.com/s/aGlnaGxpZ2h0OjE3OTQ3NDQ5MzI1MzczNzE0?igshid=1cjoewnv3oa7c&story_media_id=2398833800827547130

@Gatherthemarshmallows you will not lose them 50% of the time, he's too lazy and entitled to bother his arse. You just need to make him think that you want him to have them half the time for your freedom. He's an arse. He will carry on as he is.
You will be far happier without him.

How are you today, OP?