Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some space?

87 replies

Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 15:51

Dh is off for two weeks, last week and this. Because he is off I’m not allowed to do anything else. We are tier 2 and I wanted to meet two friends outside who I’ve only seen once this year but I’m not allowed. I have to do everything with him because he is off work. I can’t even go for a walk without him getting annoyed. I’ve spent a full week with him and the children and Im suffocating. He doesn’t have any time away exactly but he goes off and watches tv on his own and I have the children but if he wanted to go and do something without us it wouldn’t be a problem.
It’s driving me crazy. I feel like I cannot breathe. I asked if I could meet them tomorrow morning and he said no and lost his temper. He says I should want to spend my time with him.

OP posts:
LiJo2015 · 26/12/2020 16:19

This is abuse. He is completely manipulating and controlling you emotionally and financially. I would also argue hes gaslighting you too as you are questioning your own feelings. Of course its not unreasonable for you to want to spend time with other people.

Do you feel safe? If not, i think you should seriously consider the longevity of this relationship?

Has his behaviour and abuse escalated?

Original poster
Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:21

I feel guilty for asking to go.
I don’t feel I can just say ‘I’m doing X’ I have to say ‘is it ok if I...’

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 26/12/2020 16:22

He's a controlling cunt.

babycakes1010 · 26/12/2020 16:23

So he can do what he wants i.e play golf when he wants but you can't? Fuck that! Get rid of the controlling areshole

Eckhart · 26/12/2020 16:23

@Gatherthemarshmallows

Do you accept that you are in an abusive relationship?

Original poster
Gatherthemarshmallows · 26/12/2020 16:25

I don’t know, it feels a grey area.
Oh yes - he books the golf anytime he likes. I don’t mind of course but do feel it only works one way.

OP posts:
anothernc4you · 26/12/2020 16:26

Not allowed. I would be gone if I ever ‘wasn’t allowed’ to do anything in my marriage.

BuzzingTheBee · 26/12/2020 16:26

Thats not normal

Purplethrow · 26/12/2020 16:28

I agree with Eckhart, you need help to realise that you are being abused and then some more help to value yourself and leave this awful situation.

This is 100% not normal , not healthy, not right and not how a normal relationship is conducted.

Gonkytonk · 26/12/2020 16:29

You’re in a very abusive relationship.
He’s controlling you and gaslighting you.
You can’t see it. It’s sad.

MummBraTheEverLeaking · 26/12/2020 16:29

This is abuse OP. And if you left him he'd find he would HAVE to provide (for the kids anyway), not to mention assets would be split in a divorce. He couldn't just cut off support like that and he's in for a shock if he thinks he can. He shouldn't be able to swan off whenever he likes but keep you prisoner to his whims, it's no life Flowers

Purplethrow · 26/12/2020 16:30

I don’t know, it feels a grey area

It really isn’t a grey area, it is abusive.

heatered · 26/12/2020 16:30

I'm sorry you are living in this situation, it's a hard one to get out of. Unfortunately you are not alone with this but we are all out there to offer an ear, advice and support if you need it.

Eckhart · 26/12/2020 16:31

@Gatherthemarshmallows

I don’t know, it feels a grey area. Oh yes - he books the golf anytime he likes. I don’t mind of course but do feel it only works one way.
That in itself is abusive.

Do you want to leave him? If not, what is it that keeps you there?

Rollingpiglet · 26/12/2020 16:34

Why on earth do you feel guilty for asking for something so simple? Can you see how wrong that is? Not that you should even have to ask permission at all.

BlueSuffragette · 26/12/2020 16:39

OP you have put up with this abuse for so long that so you see it as a normal dynamic in your marriage. However it is really very abusive and he is the controller. No way is it an equal partnership. He doesn't treat you with respect but with contempt. You need to begin to see what others here can clearly see. You are in an abusive marriage and your self-worth is rock bottom as you put up with this shit. Get help from womens aid and leave the abusive arsehole. Make a new life for you and your children. You deserve so much better.

NoSquirrels · 26/12/2020 16:46

@Gatherthemarshmallows

I feel guilty for asking to go. I don’t feel I can just say ‘I’m doing X’ I have to say ‘is it ok if I...’
This is NOT NORMAL. But you understand that, right? Please say you understand it is not normal even if you cannot (yet) take the mental step that it is abusive (which it is).

How old are your DC? I assume he doesn’t want to parent them.

MsTSwift · 26/12/2020 16:51

Not defending him in anyway but dh has an extremely demanding job and time off is precious. I would prioritise spending time with him when he is off than friends I can see anytime - I have more spare time than him. He would never say anything though

Divebar · 26/12/2020 16:52

So if you’re “ allowed” to go out when he plays golf who would have the children?

I would be inclined to start secretly recording incidents where you are “ not allowed” to do things, where he is controlling or he over reacts to normal requests. Make a note of any threats made - financial or otherwise. Obviously keep this secret - make no reference to it. It will help build up a picture of how extensive his controlling is and maybe persuade you that you’re in an abusive relationship.

1forAll74 · 26/12/2020 16:55

What would happen if you disobeyed him (good grief!) making him angry it seems, And so what, this is not normal at all, and you should decide to do things as you wish, and disregard a controlling Husband. He has some issues,if he always needs you to be with him at home, when he is home. Maybe a serious conversation about all this is needed, as it won't change unless you get to grips about his bad attitudes.

ErrolTheDragon · 26/12/2020 16:57

@MsTSwift

Not defending him in anyway but dh has an extremely demanding job and time off is precious. I would prioritise spending time with him when he is off than friends I can see anytime - I have more spare time than him. He would never say anything though
He's off for 2 weeks, and he can watch TV alone or go and play golf without having to ask the OPs permission.

This is not an equal, respectful partnership.

Purplethrow · 26/12/2020 16:58

Please get some help op this is no way to live

To want some space?
Houseplantmad · 26/12/2020 16:58

OP he should be happy for you to see your friends and you should never have to ask
permission to do so. Your updates are worrying too and he sounds very controlling. Please speak to your friends about what's going on and they can support you through whatever changes need to happen for you and your children to live a normal life.

bigbluebus · 26/12/2020 17:07

OP, I don't work (due to circumstances not relevant to this thread). DH provides for our family. I have never been in a position where I have to ask permission to go out with my friends. I've even been away for weekends and holidays. The hold your DH has over you is not normal and it's not right. It needs to change or you need to get out fast. I don't know how old your DC are but they don't need to grow up seeing this behaviour as an example.

Swipe left for the next trending thread