DH going to A&E Christmas morning

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Name changed for obvious reasons ...

My Dh has type 2 diabetes which he manages with Metformin. He should do more in terms of diet (in fact when he was diagnosed he was only early 40s he was told he could've tried to reverse it but he didn't even try) but diet he finds really hard. I fully support him with it and although I am not overweight and exercise every day I will eat and cook the low carb meals as there is no way I'd want to tempt him with food items he's not meant to have. I don't however berate him when he falls off the low carb wagon and admit I enjoy eating carbs etc

I think I hold some resentment as we were unable to have children which at the time was due to his poor health and diabetes and he lost interest in sex. so when we were actively trying and before IVF he wasn't usually interested. I had two rounds of ivf and we're a few years post all that now.

Even aside from the diabetes he's usually got some health niggles ans has a tendency to worry about his health (and google!). Every now and then he'll have a worry that something is really seriously wrong - he'll have some tests and it never is.

He's had a fuzzy head and mild chest discomfort for the last few days and felt cold on the top of his head. Yesterday morning (Christmas day) he woke me up to say he was worried. I sat with him and said look why not phone 111 (after taking his blood pressure, sugars and temperature which were all ok). He'd googled it and thought he was having a brain aneurism.
I was fairly sure that wasn't the case.

111 asked lots of questions. They did say you're clearly an anxious person to which he disagreed but then advised he go to A&E to be checked out. I drove him to our nearest one (25 mins away) waited for a bit before he said I might as well go home.

I drove back a few hours later he'd had X-ray bloods and ECG - all fine. We ended up arguing later on as I was moody and wasn't sympathetic. His argument was he'd been told to go to A&E which is true but it seemed obvious from the way it was said that it was for his peace of mind and they are understandably risk adverse.

AIBU for feeling annoyed with him for always doing this ? Especially ruining Christmas Day which I find difficult anyway not having kids ?! I know mariage says in sickness and in health but i didn't realise I would always get the sickness. Of Course if he had a serious illness then it would be completely different.

Genuinely prepared to be told I'm an awful wife

Yabu I'm afraid. There are risks of serious and sudden complications with t2 so appropriate to get checked out. Hcps would not just indulge his anxieties. Maybe he will take management of his condition more seriously as a result.

Difficult with hindsight, as he was fine so it was unnecessary. I still think though, on balance, that YANBU. It must be quite draining. Do you get any support elsewhere?

You are really not being unreasonable. I wouldn't have forgiven him for not taking care of his health when it meant the difference between having a child and not having one.

In my experience, they usually don't let you near a&e if they even sniff anxiety unless you have very, very serious symptoms. And your blood pressure and temperature can be totally fine even if you're in a life threatening state (I know because I've been there).

I get that you feel frustrated, though. I think it's understandable to feel that way just not to take it out on him. Sometimes life doesn't give us a nice balanced mix of good and bad times, wellness and illness. We just get crappy stuff after crappy stuff after crappy stuff. It's shit but the universe is a bit of an evil bastard that way.

I am really sorry that this made a normally painful day worse for you. Have you had a chance amidst all this to do anything just to be kind to yourself and take the edge off a bit?

Someone I know was turned away from A&E a week or so ago. There's no way they'd just have indulged his anxiety if there wasn't actual concern about him.

YANBU
If it was a one off and he was otherwise sensible then it wouldn't be as frustrating as someone who does has form for going to Dr Google and then deciding there's something wrong. Really if he is that concerned he has endless serious things wrong then he needs to do something about his health.

YABU to talk about ruining Christmas and it being worse due to not having children. I think you've got to separate your family planning from his actions yesterday.

Much as this sounds awful, it sounds like having children means the world to you. When the dust settles on this festive season would it be worth speaking to someone about your feelings? Long term resentment isn't good for anyone and you might find that you value the chance to be a mum more than this relationship.

YANBU

I’d find it difficult to live with someone who actively harms their own health (by not managing diet/weight) who then also is a hypochondriac

Don’t blame you. That would not be the man for me

But you chose him and love him and so I guess need to support him in his health-neglect and hypochondria... not easy though imo

YANBU It's not his fault that he has anxiety that said that doesn't mean his actions don't have an impact on those around him. It sounds like you've been incredibly supportive, does he support you in return? Does he make as much effort as you've been making? Does he acknowledge the impact his actions are having on you?

I with you o/p.

As pp said there are risks with T2 diabetes, so getting checked out, fine.

What would piss me off is he’s had years to sort this out. If he has health anxiety why doesn’t he sort his diet and exercise out and get in control of it.

I couldn’t live with someone who won’t help himself, then burdens the healthcare system because of his anxieties that he won’t get help for.

Especially as it has cost you your chance of children, which again seems to be at least a little under his control.

How old are you o/p? I’d be inclined to think about becoming a parent without him, either leave or sperm donation.

After all, if he doesn’t sort himself out you’re going to end up either widowed early or living a restricted lifestyle as he won’t be able to travel etc if his health doesn't improve.

Yes, I think it's a problem. YANBU. I am worried too about the resentment you are carrying, could be very corrosive (and I am sorry that you weren't able to have the family you wanted ) . I wonder how you can both live better now.

It sounds as though there’s a wider frustration about his attitude towards health which is underlying your frustration about yesterday in particular.
You might be unreasonable about him going to A&E to get checked but I think what you’re really talking about is him being a bit of a hypochondriac combined with not actually doing anything to improve his health and fitness. Is that it?

YABU.

I wondered if my DP should go to A&E when he had had "indigestion" for a few weeks and then told me at 3.30 am one morning that he was a bit short of breath. He refused to consider it so I left him sitting on the sofa and went back to bed.

When I got up again at 7.30 he was much worse and reluctantly agreed to go to A&E, so I took him and we got there an hour later.

He'd had a coronary thrombosis and they turned off his life support a a bit after 12.

I am so glad I wrote this post! Thank you so much for the responses.

I'm 47 he's 48. I have put the children situation behind me now but still resentful about his lack of action there I guess.

I volunteer with children in care so I get some fulfilment from that (on top of full time work). I spend time with friends kids too whenever I can. I honestly don't feel a gaping hole where children should be, apart from Christmas!

So sorry for your loss lackie

YANBU i couldn't stay in a relationship like this. I have a parent with type 2 and its a fucking nightmare. This year though the threat of covid seems to have turned their mindset around and they're managing the diabetes better than ever.

@Misandrylovescompany

It sounds as though there’s a wider frustration about his attitude towards health which is underlying your frustration about yesterday in particular. You might be unreasonable about him going to A&E to get checked but I think what you’re really talking about is him being a bit of a hypochondriac combined with not actually doing anything to improve his health and fitness. Is that it?

Yes that's absolutely it! It's not at all about going yesterday it was more the icing on the cake if you will!

YABU. They told him to go to A&E. At that point neither of you really knew what was up. Thankfully it wasn't anything too serious but you only know that because he went to hospital.

It depends on wether your role is turning from caring supportive partner to his mum or carer.
Becoming his mum is an unattractive role you didnt sign up for.
And I get it regarding dealing with a person with health anxiety. It's draining and it makes you switch off, which becomes unfortunate when a real illness comes along as by then you've become numb. Could he take steps to deal with the anxiety and deal properly with the T2?

@thecognoscenti

YABU. They told him to go to A&E. At that point neither of you really knew what was up. Thankfully it wasn't anything too serious but you only know that because he went to hospital.

Yeah but it's getting a bit ' the boy who cried Wolf' as it's never 'just' a headache. Yesterday was just the straw that broke the camels back I guess.

Drip feeding massively now but my dad died in June not totally unexpected but still hurt like mad... and that probably affected my mood yesterday.

I get that people will be on both sides about this and that's why I wrote the post. (Of course I'm glad that some of you sympathise with me though!)

@ShandlersWig

It depends on wether your role is turning from caring supportive partner to his mum or carer. Becoming his mum is an unattractive role you didnt sign up for. And I get it regarding dealing with a person with health anxiety. It's draining and it makes you switch off, which becomes unfortunate when a real illness comes along as by then you've become numb. Could he take steps to deal with the anxiety and deal properly with the T2?

Cross post but yes to all this!

Gosh OP that sounds an incredibly taxing relationship. Do you think at some level he actually “gets something” out of his health anxieties? Enjoy the stress and then the relief when it’s all ok? It sounds so bizarre to have something serious like diabetes but then not make a concerted effort to look after your health.

I imagine the fact he has type2 diabetes means they’re more likely to take it seriously, whereas he’s not attributing his health worries to the t2, he’s googling and self-diagnosing aneurisms and the like.

My DP’s ex was like this. She was constantly on google and then rushing into a&e telling Drs she knew she had x or y condition. It just became immensely draining for him as he said that it ruined every occasion they could have had together and she refused to seek help for it.

I have a serious, life limiting health condition which has meant I have ended up in a&e, and ICU, on more than one occasion, but I couldn’t live with this.

And I would be unsympathetic to someone who had made no effort to deal with his health problems, to the detriment of having a family.

I would be inclined to give an ultimatum at this point, either he seeks help with this anxiety and starts bloody taking his actual health problems seriously, or I would be gone.

I think there’s an underlying resentment about him not wanting to help himself when he first became unwell and therefore anything since is sort of his fault... or that’s how it seems from reading your post. I can understand that to some extent.

However, I have chronic long term health conditions and it does make you extremely anxious, regardless of whether that anxiety is justified or not. It can send your health anxiety through the roof, so I think all things considered and especially as you don’t have children (in terms of ruining their Christmas Day) he did the right thing in getting checked out.

YANBU. Straw that broke the camels back.

I know there are many reasons why he might struggle with managing his type 2 diabetes better, but it I were you, it would eventually drive me up the wall with frustration and worry if he wasn't doing anything to improve it. I'm a very practical person and like solutions to problems, so would also struggle with sympathy if he was then anxious about his health, as a good idea would be to do something to improve it! I have a family member with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes, and another who has health anxiety, I know it sounds awful to say, but it can be very draining talking to them at times. You have my sympathy OP.