DH going to A&E Christmas morning

[changednamforthis]

Name changed for obvious reasons ...

My Dh has type 2 diabetes which he manages with Metformin. He should do more in terms of diet (in fact when he was diagnosed he was only early 40s he was told he could've tried to reverse it but he didn't even try) but diet he finds really hard. I fully support him with it and although I am not overweight and exercise every day I will eat and cook the low carb meals as there is no way I'd want to tempt him with food items he's not meant to have. I don't however berate him when he falls off the low carb wagon and admit I enjoy eating carbs etc

I think I hold some resentment as we were unable to have children which at the time was due to his poor health and diabetes and he lost interest in sex. so when we were actively trying and before IVF he wasn't usually interested. I had two rounds of ivf and we're a few years post all that now.

Even aside from the diabetes he's usually got some health niggles ans has a tendency to worry about his health (and google!). Every now and then he'll have a worry that something is really seriously wrong - he'll have some tests and it never is.

He's had a fuzzy head and mild chest discomfort for the last few days and felt cold on the top of his head. Yesterday morning (Christmas day) he woke me up to say he was worried. I sat with him and said look why not phone 111 (after taking his blood pressure, sugars and temperature which were all ok). He'd googled it and thought he was having a brain aneurism.
I was fairly sure that wasn't the case.

111 asked lots of questions. They did say you're clearly an anxious person to which he disagreed but then advised he go to A&E to be checked out. I drove him to our nearest one (25 mins away) waited for a bit before he said I might as well go home.

I drove back a few hours later he'd had X-ray bloods and ECG - all fine. We ended up arguing later on as I was moody and wasn't sympathetic. His argument was he'd been told to go to A&E which is true but it seemed obvious from the way it was said that it was for his peace of mind and they are understandably risk adverse.

AIBU for feeling annoyed with him for always doing this ? Especially ruining Christmas Day which I find difficult anyway not having kids ?! I know mariage says in sickness and in health but i didn't realise I would always get the sickness. Of Course if he had a serious illness then it would be completely different.

Genuinely prepared to be told I'm an awful wife

@Girlwhowearsglasses

What *@Eckhart* said is very eloquent

It absolutely is. And has made me look at myself in a new light .... and a new understanding. Thank you.

The huge thing that stands out for me is that he did this AT CHRISTMAS

Yea, the timing is interesting given the backstory.

Has he done this in the past on birthdays or weddings/other important events that aren’t all about him?

@MiddlesexGirl @changednamforthis

The self validation thing was something I spent a year in counselling to realise for myself. It was like re-parenting the child part of me. It was life changing, and I reference it in my decision making processes every single day.

I'm very glad to pass it on, and I hope it will help.

@RUOKHon

The huge thing that stands out for me is that he did this AT CHRISTMAS

Yea, the timing is interesting given the backstory.

Has he done this in the past on birthdays or weddings/other important events that aren’t all about him?

I've had to really think about this. In all honesty I don't think it is related to particular special occasions (although it is a running joke - just in my head - that every time we go on holiday there's a minor health issue we have to deal with for him).

I don't think it is an attention thing for him, it's more just too frequent and therefore irritating for me (irritating because of his lack of self-care). Maybe he's got a 'low illness threshold' whereby for example I'd think 'ugh feel a bit run down today' and he'd think 'omg something isn't right let me google'. I do get what some have said about diabetes being serious etc so I take that on board.

He is really caring about others particularly his family members and particularly their health. I know he cares about me, he just doesn't show much affection or love. In fact most of the time he's quite irritated by me. I pull him up on this quite a bit, and he doesn't dispute it but states that it's 'just because I don't do things the way he would like'. He often calls me 'half a job' because I'll start tidying up but maybe get distracted and do something else and therefore leave stuff not quite done or not perfect. He's a real perfectionist about stuff actually. All that sort of thing is done lightheartedly I have to say, but it does get wearing particularly when these no affection or even just a little complement to counteract it. I've just read that back and will add that he does do stuff himself, so he will cook and clean as much as I do. He doesn't sit on backside and tell me I'm doing a crap job of cleaning the kitchen (he'll be stood next to me telling me then take over!).

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive OP, but all his 'lighthearted' comments and jokes don't sound like the signs of someone who is caring. He doesn't show you affection, gets irritated with you and expects you to indulge his endless so called health issues. He doesn't sound like a catch.

@LolaSmiles

I hope this doesn't sound insensitive OP, but all his 'lighthearted' comments and jokes don't sound like the signs of someone who is caring. He doesn't show you affection, gets irritated with you and expects you to indulge his endless so called health issues. He doesn't sound like a catch.

It doesn't sound insensitive at all and is probably what I need to hear Lola

I wrote and rewrote it several times worrying it might sound like I was being an arsehole.

He may be lovely in some respects, but it could be worth thinking about how much of your relationship is lovely and how much of it is him demanding fuss about health issues or him being irritated at you and 'joking'.

A joke in a relationship is something that's funny on both sides with otherwise healthy displays of affection. This sounds like he's dropping criticism and trying to use 'jokes' as a get out. It reminds me of students who bully someone and think 'aww miss it was just banter...I'm sorry they didn't find my joke funny' gets them off the hook.

My DH has very severe health anxiety and it is draining (for all of us). Whilst he does maintain a healthy lifestyle, he does like to 'test' himself so if he wakes up with a sore knee he will go out and run 5 miles to 'prove' he can - then the knee gets worse - so more 'testing' to the point he can't walk and its off to a&e. We have had numerous a&e visits and he has had lots of therapy and tried just about every type of medication. He is more self aware now and better medicated and can mostly keep himself in check but sometimes it does spiral and about 18 months ago I nearly dropped him off at a&e myself to get him sectioned. However he is affectionate, loving and my partner in crime (not literally) and that's what keeps us going through the rough patches. We also now have 3 children and we are a real team- he is a fantastic hands on dad. I knew about his issues when we got together and we have always been able to talk openly and freely. What's keeping you going OP? It sounds like you are getting all the hard bits without the good bits in return. You deserve better from your DH- his illnesses do not permit him to treat you in an uncaring way and disregard your wants and needs which is what is sounds like he is doing. Sending you strength for now and for the road ahead

You say he's a real perfectionist about stuff. It's a shame he can't apply the same principle to his diabetes control! Is he really as much of a perfectionist as you seem to think?
Seems he likes to be a perfectionist where you're concerned as in you doing half a job and often calling you so and monitoring you cleaning the kitchen.
Along with the health anxiety, taking over your life with his continuous worrying,putting you down and not really showing you any affection he doesn't sound very nice at all. It's all about him.
What do you get out of this marriage?

Lola - yes it is a bit like that. 'I'm joking why don't you understand when I'm joking?!

Me - 'because it's not funny?! Because you're just saying I'm shit at doing this thing?!' Its not banter fgs.

And then worse still when i say something comical it just gets blank looks, if any reaction is given.

Noscoobydoodle - what's keeping me going? I don't know, really I don't. When I met him it was refreshing to meet someone on internet dating (this was before internet dating was hugely popular) who wasn't a dick. He was 'normal', popular and had some great friends, and good fun to be with. He was/is so generous, and in the very early days (first 6 months or so) I felt lucky to have him.

I'm awful because I've had doubts about continuing this marriage for basically the majority of the actual marriage. Like I said, from the moment we got married things changed. Partly because we immediately started trying for a family due to our age (mid 30s at that point) and the health issues started surfacing.

I wish I'd written a diary of every day from the moment I met him. I have to doubt my memory a bit because it's always been fairly clear that from the day we married something changed and I truly believe it was him not me. Such a cliche which is why I find it hard to believe.

Anydream- thank you you've nailed it. I'm insecure. I've had shit parents/ siblings / dreadful step-family and I've no real confidence in myself. Despite all that, I think I'm ok. I can listen, be a good friend and can engage and make people laugh.

I know that at 47 my chances of finding a bloke I'm really compatible with are low. I know that's no reason to stay if I'm not happy and I know it's not at all fair on him either. He might meet one of the women on here who would be more sympathetic to his A&E trips! (sorry )

I have to doubt my memory a bit because it's always been fairly clear that from the day we married something changed and I truly believe it was him not me. Such a cliche which is why I find it hard to believe

Validate yourself... believe yourself. You are presumably not a person who makes up negative feelings about people for no reason?

@Eckhart

I have to doubt my memory a bit because it's always been fairly clear that from the day we married something changed and I truly believe it was him not me. Such a cliche which is why I find it hard to believe

Validate yourself... believe yourself. You are presumably not a person who makes up negative feelings about people for no reason?

I'm not. Btw since your earlier posts I've been looking at a book on self-validation. You might have changed the rest of my life Eckhart. Thank you doesn't seem enough

I'll send you my bank account details then

Do you think there is some mental health stuff going on here? He prob also feels sad about the missed ivf chance and is almost acting out like 'I was/am really sick' wasn't my fault etc...as he knows he should be more proactive. I know when I put on weight or am lazy about something I feel like 'shit, what have I done to myself/health' He obv needs help with managing his issues, he will feel great once he KNOWS he can do something towards his own well being. I would imagine if he is not looking after himself he is panicking from each little niggle as he's thinking 'shit this is it, this is what I have caused and now I'm being punished'

In saying the OP you also need to look out for yourself. If it is only these problems you are having in the relationship then maybe you can work on it together? My dad is type 2 and it took many conovos (and rows) about his real fears and avoidance tactics to make him feel empowered to take control. Diabetes is a shit one because it is often only once the real health issues present themselves that the person will change their ways. Communication is key x

@Eckhart

I'll send you my bank account details then

Gutted - you are right. What happens is he'll have a 'scare' like this where he'll feel particularly rubbish and he'll go a health kick for a bit. I'll fully support (I have in the past suggested stuff but quickly realised that he had to find things out for himself to actually do it). It'll last for a short while and then he'll either have a big night out with the lads (this is obviously pre 2020) or for some other reason he'll just go back to previous ways. Of course we all need good nights out etc but it doesn't work that way for him. He's admitted himself he's all or nothing. So if he ruins his healthy eating stint then he'll just go off on crap for weeks / months until his next health scare.

And throughout all this I'm going along with whatever eating regime he's following and just making sure I'm exercising loads more if he's happy eating crap and lots of carbs to make sure I don't put on loads of weight (I've got form there and gave learnt my lesson over the years!)

Realise I sound like a doormat but I'm really not. It is good to hear that some would not put up with this I must admit

You're not a doormat, someone you love is charging their way towards an early grave (sorry to be so blunt) also your IVF experience and years of trying to support him have taken their toll on your relationship and YOUR wellbeing. Btw i do not think yabu, his actions are wearing thin and you sound like you've been completely supportive. He will either have a health crisis and wake up or continue on the path he is on. You absolutely deserve a full life x

Would "in sickness and in health" apply if your roles were reversed?

It's not reasonable for him to expect you to support him if he won't take responsibility for his own health. His T2 diabetes isn't fixed and not is his health anxiety. He can improve both with help.

Could I just point out that diabetes is a serious and a real illness, although I sympathise totally with you for his lack of self care.

Trouble is, those of us who are diabetic tend to look perfectly all right, even when things are going south rapidly. That's why they took him seriously enough to check him out.

It is very hard work for you though, I know my children both worry too much about me and it's hard to reassure them that I'm ok. They're both brilliant at dealing with hypos though 🙂

Some people get very depressed when they are diagnosed T2. I didn't but everyone reacts differently. He could well have depression/anxiety. If he is maintaining a good sugar level on just Metformin he is doing well. I was diagnosed at 46 and am 68 early next year. I am only saying this to possibly reassure your DH but I am doing ok healthwise . I beat covid in April. You do have to careful as any cuts, scratches, infections could easily spread and turn nasty. I have just been in a lot of pain with a tooth abscess. It led to cellulitis of the face tracking down the front of my neck. It has gone now. I phoned the dentist on Saturday and they just said wait for the antibiotics to work. 111 said the same the next day. I booked a gp phone call on Monday and she said she had better see me. She was really on the ball thankfully. I hope your DH learns to accept being T2 OP. It isn't necessarily his fault, mine is inherited. On the bright side he will have kidney function tested regularly, liver function tested, cholesterol level tested and obviously blood sugar tested. Most people don't have all that. Plus free prescriptions. Sorry for the essay but as a fellow diabetic I have sympathy for him.