DH going to A&E Christmas morning

[changednamforthis]

Name changed for obvious reasons ...

My Dh has type 2 diabetes which he manages with Metformin. He should do more in terms of diet (in fact when he was diagnosed he was only early 40s he was told he could've tried to reverse it but he didn't even try) but diet he finds really hard. I fully support him with it and although I am not overweight and exercise every day I will eat and cook the low carb meals as there is no way I'd want to tempt him with food items he's not meant to have. I don't however berate him when he falls off the low carb wagon and admit I enjoy eating carbs etc

I think I hold some resentment as we were unable to have children which at the time was due to his poor health and diabetes and he lost interest in sex. so when we were actively trying and before IVF he wasn't usually interested. I had two rounds of ivf and we're a few years post all that now.

Even aside from the diabetes he's usually got some health niggles ans has a tendency to worry about his health (and google!). Every now and then he'll have a worry that something is really seriously wrong - he'll have some tests and it never is.

He's had a fuzzy head and mild chest discomfort for the last few days and felt cold on the top of his head. Yesterday morning (Christmas day) he woke me up to say he was worried. I sat with him and said look why not phone 111 (after taking his blood pressure, sugars and temperature which were all ok). He'd googled it and thought he was having a brain aneurism.
I was fairly sure that wasn't the case.

111 asked lots of questions. They did say you're clearly an anxious person to which he disagreed but then advised he go to A&E to be checked out. I drove him to our nearest one (25 mins away) waited for a bit before he said I might as well go home.

I drove back a few hours later he'd had X-ray bloods and ECG - all fine. We ended up arguing later on as I was moody and wasn't sympathetic. His argument was he'd been told to go to A&E which is true but it seemed obvious from the way it was said that it was for his peace of mind and they are understandably risk adverse.

AIBU for feeling annoyed with him for always doing this ? Especially ruining Christmas Day which I find difficult anyway not having kids ?! I know mariage says in sickness and in health but i didn't realise I would always get the sickness. Of Course if he had a serious illness then it would be completely different.

Genuinely prepared to be told I'm an awful wife

That's a really ignorant post Daisy. Health anxiety can be extremely debilitating. If you want an idea of how much so, look at the thread about it on the mental health board.

OP, please encourage your husband to get some support for his anxiety. It should be possible to self refer for CBT, Google IAPT and your area and that should take you to the relevant site.

Alternative - I'm thinking that's where I'm heading with this. I'm definitely not perfect and fully aware that I'm heading towards menopause (already peri and hormones all over the place) but we are still relatively young and I don't think I can live like this much longer! We've been married over 10 years now and together 13ish and if I'm honest things were brilliant until we got married - honestly! It was almost like a switch went off from that day!

He could still reverse it with better management, I think the nhs will shift how it manages conditions like this so if he thinks he’s going to coast along being given tablets for everything he might get a shock in a few years.

Basically it’s time for people to take responsibility.

I dont think yabu in general. Him refusing to make any attempt to tackle his health to improve chances of having a child would have made me walk at that point. You sound resentful. I would definitely be resentful. Id be looking at life wothout him.

@LakieLady

YABU.

I wondered if my DP should go to A&E when he had had "indigestion" for a few weeks and then told me at 3.30 am one morning that he was a bit short of breath. He refused to consider it so I left him sitting on the sofa and went back to bed.

When I got up again at 7.30 he was much worse and reluctantly agreed to go to A&E, so I took him and we got there an hour later.

He'd had a coronary thrombosis and they turned off his life support a a bit after 12.

So sorry . I can't imagine how shocking and heartbreaking that was for you

You are not being unreasonable for being a bit fed up and bothered by this, but really he was right to go in and if the outcome had been different you would be glad he did! I do see where you are coming from though, it was an annoying thing to happen when it was an unnecessary trip! And the fact it’s a frequent thing too!

Do you think he was happy being in A&e on Christmas Day instead of relaxing at home?

Fair enough if the marriage is awful and you’re generally unhappy and want to leave him. But this specific complaint seems really off, you helped ruin Christmas by starting a row. If it’s the final straw then plan to be divorced by next Christmas and no longer being inconvenienced by his health.

He sounds selfish and self indulgent. I get that type 2 is serious but who the hell gets told they can recovers it but chooses not to. That’s unbelievable. It’s almost self harming and it sounds like he enjoys the attention of being ill.

I totally feel for you OP. He sounds awful. What he should have been doing yesterday was thinking of you and helping you get through your first Christmas without your dad. I would honestly be asking myself what I was getting from this relationship.

I don't think I can live like this much longer! We've been married over 10 years now and together 13ish and if I'm honest things were brilliant until we got married - honestly! It was almost like a switch went off from that day!

It’s very significant that you say this all started the moment you got married. Once he had you ‘trapped’.

He’s made himself the centre of your universe and is refusing to move out the way to let anything else share the space. He deliberately keeps himself in poor health in order to make sure he dominates your attention.

That’s how I interpret it. And I sense you are starting to feel that way too.

You are being unreasonable for attending A&E, but the resentment is very real, and it's very understandable, a relationship with someone who does not care about their own health is extremely hard, and a thankless task, waiting for the early death to be alone is not a way to live.

He is a grown man who hasn’t looked after his health. It’s impacted your life in huge ways. If you could see him doing ALL he can I think you’d be fine. But he isn’t is he? He has taken the marriage for granted.

I think you’ve already recognised that this isn’t about the A&E visit but something much bigger.

You resent him. His health issues will only become more complex as he gets older and you could easily end up his carer.

I agree with RUOK. He seems incredibly selfish from further updates. Damaging your chances of a family and constantly keeping your attention with these health scares whilst deliberately choosing not to improve his health is very controlling and selfish.

I’d have left when he stopped me having a family, to be honest. He sounds utterly draining.

I think with the short term issue YABU. He felt he was unwell, he checked with 111, they told him to go to hospital, he went. He reasonably suggested you go home and didn't try to keep you there all day. All of that seems fine to me.

The problem is the long term issue in the background. He does nothing to look after himself and that's disrupting many aspects of your life as a couple. YANBU to want him to be more proactive about this, but you're unlikely to talk him round. He is who he is.

I don't think I can live like this much longer

I think you're looking at incompatibility.

You sound as if you have had 10 long years of this and have come to the end of the road. I think the first thing you need to ask yourself if you want to continue with the relationship. If you don’t then it’s time to live your own life whilst you are still young enough. If you want to give it another go I would give him an ultimatum. Get help now or else! There is so much information about reversing type 2, more help available and GP’s more aware than 10 years ago.

I hope whatever you decide to do works out well for you.

Thanks so much and it's so interesting to see the different perspectives on this. Of course I agree entirely with everyone who says YANBU!

I do understand those who say I am and that it was right for him to go - but again I reiterate that this is many years of crappy health (and always really something that could've been self-managed) and I suppose on top of other marriage issues we have this really has given me food for thought.

I will add though that he is generally a lovely person. He's kind and generous to a fault. He's also very hard working - both in terms of his job and outside of that (ie always doing jobs in the house etc). He has however over the last few years become grumpy and we've had a constant issue whereby he doesn't show me any affection - I think that's how he is and an integral part of his character. It's the attitude of 'I'm with you aren't I that should be good enough'. I am a bit needy perhaps and wouldn't mind the odd compliment now and then.

I would feel the same as you OP. In fact I would leave. He refuses to deny himself things that harm his health and in doing so, is denying you children and a happy life. It is incredibly selfish.
I imagine his lack of responsibility is the catalyst for his health anxiety.
You deserve better.

YANBU

There's at least 5 separate issues:

1. not having children and resentment about this.

2. hypochondria / anxiety

3. not managing his health well

4. lack of affection on your part

5. also is sex an issue?

6. is a joint responsibility and can't be all his fault I don't know your circs but it sounds like you left it late then discovered you were infertile and then he refused to try to conceive when it was those key clock ticking early 30s years. I can't begin to imagine the frustration and feeling backed into a corner you felt. But you know you need to let it go. Having DC is hard work. Christmas is not this magical time with dc you think it is. It's a grind. You do it out of love and I get you feel you miss that but there are other aspects to enjoy a child free life. Well done on the volunteering. The world needs that! You could just as validly be selfish and chill out doing whatever you want. Please don't regret any more.

7. I have some sympathy with. It's hard to be strict in your diet. Even if the consequences are serious.

8. @AlternativePerspective had it right. He needs to seek help. You're 48. You cant put up with another 30 years of this, especially with your other problems 4 And 5)

Sorry if that sound a bit cold. I guess I'm trying to say There's a lot of problems, they aren't all his fault. If you haven't got affection and you secretly want out, now would be the time to do it rather than increasingly resenting and disliking him. Equally you could just need couple counselling and for him to get treatment for anxiety.

@changednamforthis

Alternative - I'm thinking that's where I'm heading with this. I'm definitely not perfect and fully aware that I'm heading towards menopause (already peri and hormones all over the place) but we are still relatively young and I don't think I can live like this much longer! We've been married over 10 years now and together 13ish and if I'm honest things were brilliant until we got married - honestly! It was almost like a switch went off from that day!

To be blunt: he is going to get more poorly as he gets older and fails to take care of his health. He will become more dependent on you and it will become very hard to leave. You already resent him and blame him for taking away your chance to have children. If you (understandably) aren’t prepared to be his carer then you have some tough decisions to make in the near future.

There's no such thing as needy, OP. Everybody has needs. If your partner doesn't meet your needs, it's not that you are needy, it's that your partner doesn't meet your needs. It's nobody's fault - you are both being who you are. Don't blame yourself. It's very important to be who you are.

Do you really think that wanting to be shown affection in marriage makes a person needy?

OP, in your position I think I would be having a bit of a talk with him about the fact he doesn’t look after himself properly but then expects the NHS and you to be worried about him and looking after him. Where is his sense of self-responsibility?

I think the children issue is not something you can forget easily either and I can understand if you feel resentment towards him for not prioritising this.

I imagine you feel let down by him, fed up with having to consider his diet when he doesn’t seem to care and miserable because his behaviour has (to some degree) prevented you having you ur own children.

I would want to see him tackling his health anxiety and T2. If he didn’t I don’t think I would want to stick around in the long term. So ina. Nutshell YADNBU.

I do sympathise with you OP as my husband is a little similar although, fortunately, he doesn't have any serious health conditions. He gets very anxious about health and worries massively about any symptoms he has. The doctor has told him he has health anxiety but he denies this. Like your DH, he also refuses to do anything a doctor tells him to do to stay healthy which strikes me as really odd for someone who worries so much about health.

YANBU. I could not live like this.

I’d have a talk with him and explain truly how you feel and I’d probably leave if things don’t change.

Life’s too short. Health anxiety is a horrible thing, but the whole circumstances here make it very difficult to live with.

Plus, if you left you could eat carbs!

I think YANBU and YABU at the same time. This is not a black and white situation.

The trip to A&E (as long as you feel he was genuinely worried and this wasn't about avoidance of a difficult day for you) is forgiveable. It's unfortunate it ruined Christmas day for you (not good, especially the first Christmas after losing your father) and it has highlighted the underlying difficulties in your relationship.

I don't think issuing ultimatums is ever a good idea. Lots of people have difficulty losing weight - it's usually the psychological issues associated with it that are hardest to overcome - and he may have stresses in his life we don't know about. At the same time, you are genuinely hurting. Op he is at liberty to conduct his life how he feels fit. And you op are at liberty to decide how you react to that.

It's impossible to comment on whether a relationship is worth saving without knowing how he behaves the rest of the time. Is he helpful? Kind? Supportive of your work/life? A good listener? Does he work hard? Do you laugh and have fun together? Do you still love and respect him? You are both in your forties - that's a long way ahead without a sexual relationship - but does he make you feel "wanted" in other ways?

Surely your decision about where you go from here will ultimately be determined by all of the above, and not by his health condition?

YANBU