DH going to A&E Christmas morning

[changednamforthis]

Name changed for obvious reasons ...

My Dh has type 2 diabetes which he manages with Metformin. He should do more in terms of diet (in fact when he was diagnosed he was only early 40s he was told he could've tried to reverse it but he didn't even try) but diet he finds really hard. I fully support him with it and although I am not overweight and exercise every day I will eat and cook the low carb meals as there is no way I'd want to tempt him with food items he's not meant to have. I don't however berate him when he falls off the low carb wagon and admit I enjoy eating carbs etc

I think I hold some resentment as we were unable to have children which at the time was due to his poor health and diabetes and he lost interest in sex. so when we were actively trying and before IVF he wasn't usually interested. I had two rounds of ivf and we're a few years post all that now.

Even aside from the diabetes he's usually got some health niggles ans has a tendency to worry about his health (and google!). Every now and then he'll have a worry that something is really seriously wrong - he'll have some tests and it never is.

He's had a fuzzy head and mild chest discomfort for the last few days and felt cold on the top of his head. Yesterday morning (Christmas day) he woke me up to say he was worried. I sat with him and said look why not phone 111 (after taking his blood pressure, sugars and temperature which were all ok). He'd googled it and thought he was having a brain aneurism.
I was fairly sure that wasn't the case.

111 asked lots of questions. They did say you're clearly an anxious person to which he disagreed but then advised he go to A&E to be checked out. I drove him to our nearest one (25 mins away) waited for a bit before he said I might as well go home.

I drove back a few hours later he'd had X-ray bloods and ECG - all fine. We ended up arguing later on as I was moody and wasn't sympathetic. His argument was he'd been told to go to A&E which is true but it seemed obvious from the way it was said that it was for his peace of mind and they are understandably risk adverse.

AIBU for feeling annoyed with him for always doing this ? Especially ruining Christmas Day which I find difficult anyway not having kids ?! I know mariage says in sickness and in health but i didn't realise I would always get the sickness. Of Course if he had a serious illness then it would be completely different.

Genuinely prepared to be told I'm an awful wife

I understand completely. My DH has a poor diet and generally refuses to look after himself, yet worries about his health. He has a few minor health issues which are starting to affect his quality of life, and I get frustrated about his expectation that medication will magically sort all this out (which hasn't happened so far). We are in our early 50s and when we retire I want to travel and enjoy ourselves, but I worry that DH wont be well enough to do this.

It also surprises me that GPs seem to be reluctant to suggest to DH that diet and exercise might be a factor, and they seem to just look at medication as a solution, which I don't think helps.

I am not sure what the answer is, I love DH but I do find this frustrating.

YANBU. Type 2 is a disease of diet, of choice and it can be reversed in weeks if you go keto (I’ve seen it done countless times before anyone shouts me down, look up Virta Health) so I would be really angry that he’s not taking care of his health.

You are all bloody wonderful

With ref to the 'being needy' comment - I shouldn't have said that as I know that it's not needy to want affection and even as I was typing it I thought 'hang on you don't mean this, you sound daft saying it' so I get that.

Not that it's a blame game (honest) but when we started trying and had initial tests after a year of no success (to start us on the treatment route) it was his sperm that was buggered. We were told there was little to no chance of it happening naturally with his sperm. So we had to go straight to ICSI IVF. My eggs were ok at that point - not brilliant but generally no issues in fact I think the tests showed I was good for my age in that respect. Obviously now it would absolutely not be the case!

And I feel bad writing that as it might not be the T2 that caused his fertility issue - we don't know and I guess never will. I'm also 'lucky' in that I had a pretty rubbish childhood and actually didn't think I wanted kids for most of my life (it wasn't painted as a particularly fun or enjoyable thing to do by my mum and step dad!). So whilst IVF failure was tough, and I think I might've recovered from it all mentally (and the fact that I wouldn't have children) more quickly than I would otherwise. I suppose that was coupled with the fact that DHs health issues were starting to show and the thought of adding kids to that mix lessened the appeal!

X post with op again!

What I was trying to say (badly) is that I think it is kind of unreasonable to issue an ultimatum tantamount to "if you don't lose weight and get healthy and manage your health better then I will leave you" (it's not very likely to work anyway as it causes more negative pressure and people generally need to do this sort of thing for themselves not others).

But it is reasonable to say "I don't feel loved by you and I need more from a relationship".

Yanbu. He’s a hypochondriac! He needs to get a firm grip on his health otherwise it will get worse as he gets older. Plus he seems to be wasting the nhs resources.

YANBU you are correct 111 is set up to be risk averse as it is manned by non clinically trained staff who follow a set series of questions. They have a very low threshold for sending folk to A&E.
It sounds exhausting to live with an adult who is happy to let you worry about them in fact who WANTS you to worry about them, rather than do anything about it themselves. T2 if poorly managed leads to so many issues perhaps suggest he reads “The diabetes code” and/or “Life without diabetes” they both explain a lot of the science behind the recent push on reversal of the condition.
Honestly if he won’t even read a book at my request I’d be moving forward with divorce plans. I believe no fault divorce is set to be introduced in 2021/2.

111 wanted to send an ambulance out for me when I had a rash !
Yanbu Op , I would be really pissed off with him.

I don't think you are BU. I think you're sick and tired of his health anxiety (particularly when he doesn't actually do much to look after himself or the condition he does have.

111 will always tell you to go to hospital if it's something that could be a disaster in the event your fears are justified and left untreated. It's simply to cover their own arsed.

I've been where you are now, OP and its exhausting. In my case, my DP had a very serious underlying cause for his, anxiety - he completely downplayed those systems and continually refused to to go to the Dr, while his anxiety over seemingly ridiculous things escalated. He also has type two diabetes which is (and has always been) treated by metformin and no changes to diet because he can't be bothered and that what the pills, are for, right?!

YANBU. My DH is a renal patient but he is completely on it and looks after himself and the relief of not having to chase him about it is huge.

The fact that your DH is not prepared to look after himself and then seems surprised when his health doesn't improve would drive me crazy.

I agree with most of the posters here - taking responsibility for your own health is part of being an independent adult. If you genuinely have a serious health condition that needs support from another person as well, then of course you need what you need - and OP, you already say you're supportive with cooking and lifestyle choices etc.

The huge thing that stands out for me is that he did this AT CHRISTMAS. No apparent build up of symptoms on say, an ordinary Wednesday. Nope, this had to be on a day that would otherwise not have been about him.

It may be subconscious, but there seems to be some need to be absolutely the centre of attention particularly at any time that other people might reasonably get attention (does he do this on your birthday too?). He needs help, and not from you.

OP - I found Tom Watson’s book about reversing his T2 diabetes v interesting. Worth a look?

Type 1 diabetic here. People like your husband baffle me! If I had the chance to ‘reverse’ the type of diabetes I have I would grab the chance. It’s patients like your husband who give other diabetics a bad name, and needlessly cost the NHS billions. Resources are stretched as it is and it makes it far harder for people with all types of diabetes to get help when they need it. Sorry, I have very little patience!

I think you invalidate your own feelings. I'm out on a limb here, but bear with me.

You had a 'rubbish childhood'. Whatever happened, your feelings were not regarded as a priority, and this is the pattern you carry. It now echoes in your instinct (even though you are logically aware it's wrong) to blame yourself, to regard yourself as lucky because you didn't want kids for a while, and to feel bad just by writing down what you feel.

It especially echoes in the fact that when you wanted children, you have suppressed your discomfort when it didn't happen. You internally feel it's his fault, but because you have invalidated this feeling, you couldn't respond to it in the way you needed to, and now your suppressed feelings are sneaking out about other things, because you can't suppress them any more.

Validate yourself. All of your feelings are allowed. If you don't express them, you end up in positions that trample on your boundaries, which is why you're now feeling that you're at breaking point, over something relatively small.

Tell him how you feel. All of it. The issue with having children, the issue with him not looking after himself, the issue of his health anxiety. Don't blame him, don't blame you. Talk about yourself. 'When you do this, I feel that.' Make it all very clear and ask him if he's got any suggestions for saving your relationship. Give him time. His response will tell you whether the way forward is together or apart.

Fundamentally, you are in an unhappy relationship, where he gets to do what he does, and you have to live with it whether you like it or not. But nothing will change until you start to accept and express when you don't like something.

@JemimaPyjamas

Type 1 diabetic here. People like your husband baffle me! If I had the chance to ‘reverse’ the type of diabetes I have I would grab the chance. It’s patients like your husband who give other diabetics a bad name, and needlessly cost the NHS billions. Resources are stretched as it is and it makes it far harder for people with all types of diabetes to get help when they need it. Sorry, I have very little patience!

I completely agree! He describes himself as 'a diabetic' and I cringe and think 'no, you've got type 2 diabetes!'

Everyone who has posted - thank you so much. I will go through all this advice in detail later on. I bloody love Mumsnet

I think he should be allowed to get his health checked out if he has major concerns. My dp has type 2 diabetes ( but injects insulin due to other health issues) and we have dc naturally.

What @Eckhart said is very eloquent

Ugh I know a few people like this. It gets to a point where there's only so many times you can take them to A and E to satisfy the gremlins in their heads, but then the one time you don't, they turn out to have something serious. Unfortunately if he won't acknowledge he has debilitating health anxiety, even therapy won't really help.
I hope you find some peace today with no more health dramas.

@Girlwhowearsglasses

What *@Eckhart* said is very eloquent

It really is and it resonates with me. I'm rushing so not replying properly but I will do later. Thank you Eckhart so so much

YANBU. He holds responsibility for his health and knowing he couldn’t be bothered to try & reverse his diabetes would really annoy me. It’s draining living with someone like this & it will likely get worse as he gets older. I really feel for you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable but I have some sympathy with him as the roles are kind of reversed in our situation. I have an auto immune disease and feel ropey because of it, and have developed some health anxiety due to it (I was completely nonchalant before). Because of this I am also infertile and we cannot have kids. My DP has accepted this with grace but he does get a bit annoyed with my health issues. The only difference is I try my hardest to be as healthy as possible - I don't drink and never smoked and eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly. So there isn't really much more I can do. He is lucky to be completely healthy and hasn't even since a doctor in the ten years we've been together.

It is difficult when your sense of mortality kicks in when you're relatively young.

It's a difficult one, I've suffered with extreme health anxiety before & would always go hospital to get checked out & if you've never been through it before it's really hard to understand. It used to annoy my husband but health anxiety was ruining my life!! I went to therapy which cured me 'learned how to handle it'

YANBU IMO.

He sounds like a hypochondriac attention seeker who could easily reverse his T2 condition. You should be applauded for putting up with it and also get a good telling off for enabling his behaviour.

I couldn’t stomach it. I hope he doesn’t ruin the rest of your week.

Irrespective of what you think he could have done differently to reverse it, or improve his general health, diabetes is a serious condition.

You certainly don't sound as though you've made your peace with not having children and I don't think its entirely fair of you to hold it over his head still.

You have my sympathies OP. My DH can be like this at times.

He has no underlying health issues, very fit and active in his late thirties, naturally eats well.

But in times of stress his way of dealing with it is to manifest physical symptoms or make out he is having physical symptoms.
During lockdown 1 we have a blazing row, lasted all day I could barely look or talk to him..... he then started complaining of chest pains - he has a history of panic attacks etc..... he ended up having an ambulance out.... I was gobsmacked he'd taken it that far but in his head it was warranted at the time..... I couldn't help but think he was trying to stop me being angry by trying to get sympathy but who knows!

He's also taken himself to a&e in the middle of the night because of anxiety related stuff.... doesn't even wake me up, he just goes!

It's a constant source of frustration, as soon he mentions any ailment I have no patience for it anymore. I just pretend to listen and carry on.... occasionally throw in "take some paracetamol" or "you're working to many hours" etc and 9/10 he doesn't do any of these things so he can't be in that much discomfort!!
But it is a drain and I don't blame you being annoyed he has done it on Xmas day. Does he usually do it on "special days"? Or is this just a one off?

There is alot of ignorance around T2 diabetes on this post. It is incredibly difficult to manage it with the protocols currently in place. Talk about reversing it is wrong, it puts it back into control and T2 never goes away there is always the risk it will return and it escalates over time so you might lose weight and bring it into control but over time even without gaining weight and eating well it may return. There is also a belief that metformin is a silver bullet - its not and causes many other health issues along with other medications as well. If there are other medical or physical issues as well talk of exercise to manage it is also hard. There are also the mental challenges and depression related to it is well documented as well as anxiety. CBT might be more appropriate than being demeaning about how someone without any real medical knowledge tries to manage. Further loss of libido is also a side effect especially if medicated and or depressed.

A bit more support for him the rest of the year might go a long way