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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
notinthiseconomy · 01/01/2021 09:04

@BlueThistles

I agree... when her behaviour escalates beyond this already unstable behaviour... there needs to be a footprint/pattern of behaviour for it to be pursued.

Your Son is in danger OP. You cannot predict just how far she will go to keep him ..

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

just read the case of Alex Skeel..

I was going to suggest this case, too.
justilou1 · 01/01/2021 09:33

Also think about protecting your son from the parents potentially accusing him of stealing something/things from their house or of damaging their property now he has a key.

Yeahnahmum · 01/01/2021 09:38

You cant really do anything but tell him one last time that this is unhealthy. And stop driving him and picking him up. He's on his own. Stop enabling him op. Good luck

Yeahnahmum · 01/01/2021 09:40

And don't allow him to stay there. And confiscate the new keys

Lookslikerainted · 01/01/2021 09:55

@workworkworkugh

What does your son say about these screaming messages? It sounds like she needs some serious help.

tomnjerrylover · 01/01/2021 10:32

God op how awful for you all.

It's tough raising teens. I hope that I've done the work with my girls before they start dating to help protect them for abusive relationships, we've spoken a lot about it. What is healthy and what isn't using tv and film to help start the conversation. It may have gone a bit far with my youngest as she sees most film relationships as unhealthy so god help anyone who wants to date her!

I think parents of a boys probably don't think in terms of having these conversations from the angle that they could be abused. I have a hunch there are conversations around consent, safe sex and being respectful towards their partners but no how to recognise their partner is abusive.

The awful case of Alex that someone liked to down thread is a good conversation starter but I think it's almost past that op.

I hope you have reached out to some outside help, charities in your country that deal with domestic abuse.

You are hanging in there, he spent the day with you rather than let her stop him.
He still lives at home.

Both you and his dad need to tell him you love him constantly, tell him that you are concerned about her behaviour and that you are more than happy for him to use you as the bad guy with her if he needs an excuse not to see her or do what she wants. That he can just delete her messages without listening or reading if he wants to.
He can delete Social media - he could make it a New Years resolution as an excuse.

It's every parents nightmare and we are all rooting for you and him OP.

Lordamighty · 01/01/2021 11:19

I suspect that once the penny drops & he sees her behaviour for what it is, he won’t want anything to do with her.

Binglebong · 01/01/2021 12:10

Does anyone know if there is an equivalent of the freedom programme for relatives of victims giving guidance for getting the victim helped? Because it sounds like you need this, and he needs to do the Freedom Programme but I don't imagine he will while still in her grasp.

CoraPirbright · 01/01/2021 16:27

Could you print out some of the legislation in this area, get him to read it and point out that, if they were adults, this girl would be looking at a possible criminal record for what she is doing? Just because they are probably not covered by domestic abuse laws, it does not mean that it only starts to magically have bad effects on those involved once the clock strikes on their 18th birthdays!

Your poor son - and poor you - you must be tearing your hair out. I agree with pp’s - this has gone way beyond the usual teenage-all-consuming-passion. This girl sounds deranged!

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 16:38

my money is on her 'accidentally' falling pregnant within the next few months ...

Nymeriastark1 · 01/01/2021 16:57

@Lordamighty

I suspect that once the penny drops & he sees her behaviour for what it is, he won’t want anything to do with her.
@Lordamighty problem is she'll see the penny starting to drop, and she'll be 'accidentally' pregnant before he can leave properly.
AmberItsACertainty · 01/01/2021 17:18

Since locking him in the house and refusing to let him out until he's seen sense is probably illegal, could you possibly stage an intervention with his friends? And see if there's a domestic abuse charity for men in your country. If everyone is saying the same thing to him "look, we're worried about you, she's dangerous, her and her parents behaviour isn't normal" would he take notice? Especially if you put it as a kind of 'deal' like he can still see her but has to spend time with his other friends too and talk to the charity people regularly. So you're not actually asking him to not do anything, you're asking him to do extra things, beneficial things.

Nobody intervened for me when I got into an abusive relationship as a teenager. I was left to get on with it. It took me over ten years to realise what was going on and then leave. I know you've spoken to your son a bit, so it's not quite the same situation. I don't agree with all the people saying it'll fizzle out naturally, is all. It might not.

It might also be worth having a conversation around how hormonal contraception doesn't always work (which sounds better than "she might be lying"), so always use a condom.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/01/2021 17:32

@AmberItsACertainty

Since locking him in the house and refusing to let him out until he's seen sense is probably illegal, could you possibly stage an intervention with his friends? And see if there's a domestic abuse charity for men in your country. If everyone is saying the same thing to him "look, we're worried about you, she's dangerous, her and her parents behaviour isn't normal" would he take notice? Especially if you put it as a kind of 'deal' like he can still see her but has to spend time with his other friends too and talk to the charity people regularly. So you're not actually asking him to not do anything, you're asking him to do extra things, beneficial things.

Nobody intervened for me when I got into an abusive relationship as a teenager. I was left to get on with it. It took me over ten years to realise what was going on and then leave. I know you've spoken to your son a bit, so it's not quite the same situation. I don't agree with all the people saying it'll fizzle out naturally, is all. It might not.

It might also be worth having a conversation around how hormonal contraception doesn't always work (which sounds better than "she might be lying"), so always use a condom.

Flowers

I agree. But madam will have OP painted a an ogre who turned everyone against her.

Nymeriastark1 · 01/01/2021 18:11

@AmberItsACertainty It might also be worth having a conversation around how hormonal contraception doesn't always work (which sounds better than "she might be lying"), so always use a condom.
Which the batshit crazy madam will poke holes in anyway. The only way not to get someone who behaves like this pregnant is to not have sex full stop.

Hedgemoon · 01/01/2021 18:26

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but is your son's Dad around? I wonder if it would come across as less 'you versus her' if all of this came from his Dad? Or another male member of the family or family friend.

I appreciate that teens can be temperamental but this does seem very extreme. Talk to your son about whether it would be acceptable to send a girl harassing videos, and why is it any different for a boy.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/01/2021 23:54

Honestly if I wasn't living this I would think it was the most ridiculous attempt to try and write a novel.

He's hiding away in the room today on his phone and told me happily that she's messaged him today and called him and she's in such a good mood and happy and laughing.
I asked why he thinks this is and he said because we'll (he'll) be home soon.

I asked what will happen now and he says he doesn't want to hold a grudge and he thinks I'm trying to get him to always hold a grudge to her about this or dump her.

I said I'd be disappointed if when we got back everything returned to normal and he just lets her get away with treating him like that.
But I can already see the closer we get to returning home the more his attitude towards her is changing, as in he's completely blinded and forgotten about the last week.
Makes me want to stay away forever.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 00:18

He forgets the bad days from ... and over compensates them with the good days ... 🌺

blubberyboo · 02/01/2021 00:37

As a mother of 2 sons I feel awful for you. This is definitely a nightmare situation. I have experience of my brother being with adult versions of this girl and it’s not pleasant.
I really don’t have any advice other than to always be his safe place and let him know that, and watch material about healthy and unhealthy relationships

billy1966 · 02/01/2021 00:44

@saraclara

Our lives at the moment are dictated by his plans and where we have to take him to or pick him up from. He tells us what time to pick him up (from her house) and we get there and he still makes us wait.

I'm sorry but that's ridiculous. You're not his taxi service, and I'd say that to anyone whose teen is taking them for granted in that way.
If you have other DCs why should their lives be ruled by that?

Are you serious OP?

He is 16 years old and ruling the house.

This hasn't come from nowhere.

Stop being his taxi and have some respect for yourselves.

He needs to fall in with the routine of the house where he lives.

Make his life a lot less comfortable.

He is 16 not 26.

He needs his sport to continue and to see his friends.

He needs boundaries which he clearly hasn't had.

Stop driving him anywhere as a start.

Tell him your expectations re sport, meals family life.

Your home is Not a hotel....my parents said it to me and my siblings and they were right.

You live at home, you follow the rules.

Flowers
thosetalesofunexpected · 02/01/2021 01:13

Hi Op
Your sons girlfriend sounds sufforcating overwhelming Very Needy/insecure /Clingy like a Limpet on seaside..
She is way too intense !

iswhois · 02/01/2021 01:48

Jesus wept you poor thing.

Such a tricky situation.

Hedgemoon · 02/01/2021 06:53

Do you have any friends who have been in abusive relationships before who can talk to him? How it left them feeling worthless?

My best friend is just coming out of a 4 year abusive relationship. I'm worried she is going to.go back to him anyway. You don't want this in your son's future.

justilou1 · 02/01/2021 08:30

He is thinking with the wrong brain and you know this. You need to stop facilitating contact as much as possible. Is there some way you can maybe send him to a relative for a while? I think talk to the police about her behaviour and messages like I said previously. She’s nuts. The family’s boundaries are nuts and you are right to be scared.

Milliepossum · 02/01/2021 08:37

OP please get advice from the police and have the circumstances so far recorded, I think things will get rough if your son continues in this toxic relationship (hopefully you’ll put your foot down and stop it now). If other posters are right and she wants him charged with theft or even assault then you will be glad the history leading up to the allegations is on the police database. You may even be the target of charges given her demonstrated hatred of you.

Snarfclamper · 02/01/2021 10:58

While this is a serious situation, I think that some of the posters on here don't have any experience of teens themselves and also the calls to involve the police a bit mad, sorry. She sent him a video (now gone from Snapchat that op only heard but wasn't able to record ) screaming at him telling him to FO, that he's pathetic and that she won't speak to him again. She's a piece of work that's for sure but teens are not always the most rational of people. Yes she's way out of line, very manipulative, possibly with an emerging personality disorder, but what do you exactly expect our hard pressed police force to do - interfere in teen arguments?

Op the text that she sent to you was way out of order but you should not be engaging with her on this level. (My teen daughter went out with a boy at her school for two years and we were worried about the relationship because they were young, but I never once texted the lad directly, but I did speak to his mother a couple of times about various arrangements.) Nor should you be asking your son to go with you on holiday, it should be simply assumed he is going with you.

But this situation has got out of hand now and I would be ringing the school, as soon as term starts again, telling them about this situation , your serious concerns about this girl and her unhealthy influence over your son, showing them her text, and asking them to liaise with her parents on your behalf (you may find that the school already knows the parents!) . A good school may even run a few sessions non healthy relationships and boundaries. (This sort of advice is always received better by teens when it comes from a third party, not a parent.) Also, you haven't mentioned whether this situation has affected his school marks - that could be another line of approach.

Finally your son is probably thinking with another part of his anatomy other than the wrong side of his brain, so the risk of pregnancy here is high. So you need to impress on him the dangers of this happening (contraceptive not effective, people not being truthful, not having any control over what happens if it does occur etc). Do your research and show him some videos on the subject. Get him an (online?) appt with a sexual health clinic or at least get some good resources from them aimed at his age group.

In the meantime, enjoy your holiday with him. Don't keep discussing her or berating your son. Make sure you have a good time together and that your son has a great time. Don't keep bringing the subject up, make the most of your family time together without getting at him. I know it's tempting to keep speaking to him about it while he is with you, especially because you are so anxious about the situation, but don't overdo it, or else he will feel brow beaten and he will be wanting to escape again. His home needs to be a safe haven. Hand this situation over to the experts at his school.