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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Leannethom85 · 31/12/2020 02:52

She seems like a nightmare, trust me if she's stopping him seeing his friends, he's in for a lonely life.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/01/2021 03:00

Well my DS came with us, she wouldn't let him leave her side until she started work so we were 2 hours late leaving but we got here and he has been happy and laughing and mucking around with everyone, it was so nice to see.

Then she sent him videos of her screaming at him repeatedly to Fuck Off, never speak to her again, he must be cheating and that he's pathetic.
He actually was restrained and didn't respond.
It seems she hates me as I won't let him sleepover with her the night and she thinks I'm purposely restricting their time together to 'get at her', it's honestly so ridiculous.
Oh, she also told him they need to sit down and discuss this when he gets home. I did say there's absolutely nothing to discuss, he went away with his family, big deal 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was at the point last night (after the videos) I nearly called her parents. I haven't yet but I think I will have a chat with them when we get home.
I just know as soon as we get back, my son will go straight back to her and forget she even acted like this.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 03:14

OP.... seriously... this is not right.. this is not a safe relationship.. she is dangerous

does your Son now see any of this for what is truly is ?

I do hope so... he is being terribly abused and there are laws against this behaviour 🌺

MiddleClassMother · 01/01/2021 03:28

This is awful, poor lad. It sounds like the gf has psychological issues brought on by the mother. They seem obsessed with your ds.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 03:28

The videos are cyber bullying. Put that together with the texts and you would be within your rights to go to the police - in the U.K. at least as your ds is a minor. Can you get a screenshot of the texts and copies of the videos? They may prove useful later if not now.

I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to contact her parents tbh. Unless it is cease and desist type contact. Can you consult a solicitor or get some info from the police? This really isn’t normal.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 03:45

Cyber bullying link and how to report online. www.esafety.gov.au/key-issues/cyberbullying. There is info to wade through on what constitutes cyberbullying. This qualifies. I also read on another website she is a minor and likely to get a warning, which for your purposes should hopefully suffice.

However, as this girl is also bullying and harassing him irl, idk if this is the best route. Something stronger imo and more immediate. But I get you may be apprehensive. Put it this way, if they were living together, domestic abuse laws would cover this in the U.K. (or at least it would with adults) so there must also be harassment laws in your neck of the woods.

If your ds really can’t get out of this, do you have the means to consult a teen psychologist?

Milliepossum · 01/01/2021 03:54

OP please call the police non emergency number in your state and get advice on what you should do. That girl is unpredictable. Previous poster linked to the cyber bullying guidelines which is really helpful. She could harm your son if he doesn’t do what she demands. The police will recognise her escalating behaviour and will deal with this accordingly. This is not normal and way beyond merely cyber bullying and is being facilitated by her parents.

Milliepossum · 01/01/2021 03:56

I don’t want to alarm you but reading this thread just now I can see this has escalated over time and to me it’s really serious, but you’ve been dealing with it for a while so may not see how bad it is. Good luck OP, I hope it gets sorted out.

EreLongDoneDoDoesDid · 01/01/2021 04:07

I had a very intense teenage romance where we’re stuck together like glue, but not to this degree. She sounds like a nightmare.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 04:13

I agree with MillePossums. This has now become really serious. It is definitely progress that your ds agreed to go away with you. The issue is that she is now doubling down on her abuse. I would no longer be ok for him to just go to her house. You don’t know if she has planned a form of revenge, which could include hurting your ds. I am getting scared for your ds.... I had the feelings when I posted before. But was struggling to vocalise them due to my personal baggage.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 05:54

I agree... when her behaviour escalates beyond this already unstable behaviour... there needs to be a footprint/pattern of behaviour for it to be pursued.

Your Son is in danger OP. You cannot predict just how far she will go to keep him ..

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/81a8f303-5849-45b8-85a0-e8532b5d948b

just read the case of Alex Skeel..

justilou1 · 01/01/2021 06:14

I was popping in to suggest taking the videos to your local police station and asking them to visit the parents to “have an informal chat” rather than you doing it or pressing charges straight away. It’s better than threatening anything yourself or sending the police in heavily.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 06:33

Bloody hell @BlueThistles that is bloody frightening, especially due to their age - only 16 like op’s ds.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/01/2021 06:39

It was over Snapchat, so I heard the video but he didn't save it, probably for the very reason that he would know I would want a copy and he wouldn't want to get her into trouble.

He seems so reasonable while he's away from her and he knows she's being ridiculous and quite crazy but as soon as he's back with her he will revert back to his old ways plus we also don't want to harass him about it all holiday (although we have had chats about it when he's come to us with yet another of her messages)

As they're not in school until February I can't really go down that path yet, and if I speak to the police I will possibly alienate my son.
I'm hoping the best course of action is to speak to him about her behaviour before he sees her again and also speak to her parents, not to get her into trouble but to make them aware of the bullying messages she has been sending him and maybe they can have a chat to her as she clearly sees me as some sort of threat Confused

I feel stupid, like I have to defend myself to a 15yo by saying that I've done nothing wrong, I'm not trying to 'get to her' or interfere in their relationship I just simply wanted my son to come on a family holiday and maybe spend some more dinners at home, we've always been happy to (try) include her and have asked many a time, but that all stops now, she's no longer welcome.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 07:06

There is apparently a way to recover the chats. It seems they get buried in the phone. I don’t have a 16 yo. But tbh for me this has strayed into the ‘I am an actual adult’ territory and I would be googling and trying to recover the messages.

My 12 yo dd was in the grips of another girl and she became really obsessed with my dd. I knew her mother was feeding this and never contacted the mother about it. No point. The girl was claiming suicidal depression, saying vile things about dd and me, overstepping boundaries in my home and all sorts. We were jumping through hoops to try and get it to settle. It all blew up in the end when the girl pissed off the wrong person and the mother blamed my dd even though she tried to stop what happened.

My honest advice from what you are saying is that you’re not dealing with a normal parent. You’re dealing with a parent like this mother. The thing I did wrong was to let things play out. I was too nice and too accommodating. I didn’t have good boundaries.

You are also making the same mistake. This needs a proper adult to be involved to say enough now to the child and their parent. She is only 15 (wtf!) and as an aside underage. This is why I said if you really must contact the parents, it would be for the the cease and desist approach or as justilou has advised. By the cease and desist, I mean you are happy for them to continue the relationship but any more coercion or harassment and you will contact the police. But personally I think it’s gone very very far.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 01/01/2021 07:25

Thanks @Mummyoflittledragon I think I may have misunderstood what you meant initially but yes, that's my intention.
That if they are to continue their relationship then it needs to have more balance (and we have already discussed this with DS) and none of the manipulation/controlling nastiness.
I was happy (well not happy, but I hope you know what I mean) to sit and listen and keep an eye on things while it was just drama but I also agree it has gone too far and needs an adult to intervene.

OP posts:
Bikingbear · 01/01/2021 07:36

Then she sent him videos of her screaming at him repeatedly to Fuck Off, never speak to her again, he must be cheating and that he's pathetic

Do you think she's possibly pushed him far enough for him to end it?

He sounds happy at the moment. Is there someone else who he'll listen to, "if she really loved him she'd trust him, if she really loved him she'd want him to be happy and see friends etc"

He really needs to end this. But you can't make him do it, it needs to come from him realising that it's not going to get any better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/01/2021 07:36

Ah ok iswym. It is hard to nip things in the bud though as our kids don’t always listen. Or if they do, their friends / in this case gf don’t.

Is your ds ok for you to have words? If you can get a copy of those video chats on your ds’s phone, it would be very useful to show to the parents as evidence. And any deleted horrible messages. I just Googled the steps and got info for android and iphone....

PerveenMistry · 01/01/2021 07:37

The girl is seriously emotionally disturbed. It's negligent parenting to allow this relationship to continue. What the fuck are you thinking???

Milliepossum · 01/01/2021 07:43

I really hope your DS decides to cut his losses and get out before something bad happens to him. That girl isn’t capable of being normal, she might be able to pretend or copy normal behaviour to trick you, but her true nature is what she showed in the most recent videos to your DS, a toxic abuser. They simply have a different way of thinking that makes sense only to them as long as it gives them their sick satisfaction. It’s taken me lots of time and professional help to realise there are people that are just horrible and can’t be fixed. I also can’t believe her parents gave your son a key to their house! Who does that? It wouldn’t even cross my mind to give someone’s kid a key to my house. There is something really really wrong with their whole household OP, please get advice from the police on how best to deal with this.

Milliepossum · 01/01/2021 07:51

It’s also concerning that your son didn’t save the videos to protect her. This has already gone further than you think.

Bikingbear · 01/01/2021 08:17

@PerveenMistry

The girl is seriously emotionally disturbed. It's negligent parenting to allow this relationship to continue. What the fuck are you thinking???
That's a bit harsh, Ops worried if she tries to stop it she'll push him into her clutches.

Ending it has to come from him. Hes not a 6yo who needs to be taken on play dates. Hes a 16yo with a key to this girls house.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 01/01/2021 08:41

There is no way I'd let my DS stay involved with little miss psycho. She's got to go. An adult needs to step in and put an end to this nonsense. Before your son gets hurt or she accuses him of god knows what.

Bikingbear · 01/01/2021 08:45

@Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel

There is no way I'd let my DS stay involved with little miss psycho. She's got to go. An adult needs to step in and put an end to this nonsense. Before your son gets hurt or she accuses him of god knows what.
How do you stop it?

Op can't ban him from seeing her, then Op becomes the controlling bad guy. If Op tries to ban him, she will become the more attractive forbidden fruit, and the GFs mother will happily allow him to move in. That's playing completely into her hands.

Lordamighty · 01/01/2021 08:55

What a frightening situation to be in. It must be so worrying. Her parents sound as bad as she is, certainly enabling her behaviour.