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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Spudina · 29/12/2020 11:37

The cheek of her! I also think that a man to man chat might help. As mothers we are are usually in the wrong where teens are concerned. I remember from my own childhood, thinking how everyone else’s mums were cooler than mine just because they were allowed to do stuff I wasn’t. wishing you luck in this horrible situation.

Ispini · 29/12/2020 13:40

She’s manipulating and controlling your son and he is in the throes of teenage love so can’t see the wood for the trees. I would do everything in my power to get him away from her. She will either infect him with an STI if she has other boys around or will get pregnant and then you will be unfortunately tied to this girl forever.
And what the hell are her parents thinking?! Tread carefully OP, I really don’t envy you she could invent any scenario to hurt your son. I really wish you well.

Biffbaff · 29/12/2020 13:45

She's a right little bitch, isn't she. And pathetic that she thinks she can drag you in with that message. I would send something incredibly mature back to show her who is the real grown up here.

MariaK91 · 29/12/2020 13:54

His gf sounds mega intense and very immature! (I realise they are only teens but still). I think it is normal for a parent to set some boundaries.

Bikingbear · 29/12/2020 14:06

Op I'd maybe reply in that case my DS clearly doesn't matter much to you, if he can be replaced so quickly with other boys, enjoy your threesome!

Maybe not the last bit...

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 14:10

Ooh the girl who cries because he's not at school has suddenly grown balls 🤣

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2020 14:20

Well she's a gem isn't she Hmm

I'd show ds that text.

I'd simply ask him "what's happened that you've lost so much self esteem you want to be with someone who acts like this"

Then leave him to ponder.

This is one of these cases when he probably needs to be shown a lot of love and make him see his self worth and that he deserves someone who will respect him as a person and individual. Not who wants to control him.

sbhydrogen · 29/12/2020 14:25

Relationships at 16 tend to be like this, don't they? Not that they should, but it happens, and then you learn from that and are more relaxed in the second etc etc.

However, it seems as though you need to put your foot down and tell him that you're going out as a family for the day (without her!). Sounds like they need a break from one another in order to realise that you don't have to be with the other at all times of the day.

I was pretty intense with my bf at 16, but after spending two weeks away from him a year into our relationship (summer holiday) I realised that, actually, I can spend time away from him and that doesn't make me love him any less.

ToffeePennie · 29/12/2020 14:29

She sounds super controlling and intense.
My husband had a girlfriend like that just before he started seeing me, she is now known as “psycho name”. Very similar circumstances, would ring him and if he wasn’t able to answer on the first ring, she would try again (even if he was working), she turned up at his house (he was living with his parents, very late teens/early 20s) and bought all his “stuff” and “broke up with him” for “ignoring her”. At one point in their relationship he gave his phone number to another member of a group he was a part of to help them in getting to and fro, she went berserk. She called him every 5 mins for 3 hours when she knew he was working on a site with no phone signal. Her mum rang him and told him to “stop abusing her daughter” leaving messages every 30 mins until he was able to receive her phone calls.
She was just nuts.
Your Son’s girlfriend reminds me of her. My husband only got rid of her once her toxicity had stolen his family, friends and even his job away from him, he realised he needed to get out when she wouldn’t let him see his little sister. It took several long conversations and so on before she let him leave, she threw up several times, cried hysterically, got her brother to threaten him, the whole 9 yards. So please be prepared to support him through that!!
This is something I think he will have to do on his own, so don’t force him, just be there and listen and support him once the shit hits the fan. Xx

sbhydrogen · 29/12/2020 14:31

Just read all of OP's posts; oh boy, this is too much.

If you are trying to go away for three days and he goes to her house, just go over there and get him! Drag him out if needs be. Get both you and your DH/DP to go to town.

Good luck!

DeRigueurMortis · 29/12/2020 14:50

Golly what an awful text.

It's fairly obvious that this isn't something you'd threaten against someone you supposedly love.

So why do you think she sent it? Especially sent it to you?

From what you've already posted she's used this tactic before "do as I say or we will split up" - but previously she's done it only to your son and it worked.

Presumably your DS has told her about your NY plans.

What we don't know is what he's said to her or what he really feels about it. He could be complaining to her that you are "making him" go away and he really wants to be with her.

However, there's also the possibility that he's "glad" to blame you and it's a good excuse not to be with her.

Either way, she's decided to intervene using the tactic that's worked before - only on you this time, so if they spilt up it's your fault.

So your next steps....

It's very tempting to respond, but I personally wouldn't. It's such a provocative text there's no honest response you can make thats not going to add fuel to her fire and play along with a narrative that you are trying to split them up (we've had plans for months and you're ruining them so if I go off with someone else you're to blame).

I'd also bear in mind that your initial text was very reasonable and if things do escalate and you have to involve 3rd parties you want to ensure all the "evidence" you can present in is your favour - which right now with the texts it is.

So the question is whether to show this to your son or not.

When he gets home I'd ask him "lightly" if he's had any further thoughts about NY and see what he says.

What you need to try a gauge is what threats she's made to him and what he feels about it.

Overall I'd be tempted to say that you'd love to spend the holidays as a family but you understand that he is a young adult now and might want to choose to spend it with his GF....and that's fine as long as it's his choice.

Then show him the text and ask him what he thinks about it. Don't comment on it first yourself.

What you need to try and do is prompt him to reaching his own conclusion that some who claims to love you wouldn't behave this way and "swap you" with other boys simply because you wanted to spend time with your family.

So ask him leading questions. Why do you think she sent this to me? Has she said something similar to you? What do you think about what she's said?

Try and keep your questions as neutral as possible. Don't for example, say something like "do you think she's being manipulative/threatening?".

Ultimately you want him to reach his own conclusions.

Good luck 

@CoraPirbright thank you Xmas Blush

EstrellaPequena · 29/12/2020 14:52

Wow, she's a peach. I'd probably reply something really blasé, boring and sunshiney to her message like "Ah, that's a shame. Have a lovely NY with your friends, see you soon!". Less to bullshit your son with then. Best way to rile and outwit these sorts is play sweet and innocent - a firm undertone delivered with a smile. She'll give herself enough rope, you have the benefit of having done the teenage bit before to wait her out.

SheSaidNoFuckThat · 29/12/2020 15:00

Op I've been here with my DS and his ex gf, unfortunately he also knew it wasn't healthy but "loved her". It was hard, he was also 16. They dated for 18 months in the end, he knew he wasn't happy but "couldn't be without her". She actually ended up cheating on him.

We had all the talks, pointed out she was controlling him, tried to make him see it from different perspectives but ultimately we had to ride it out and be there for him. He's come out the other side just fine, more aware for future relationships. Just be there and keep talking, trying to ban them from seeing each other etc just makes them more determined in my experience. Hope your DS is ok.

BrokenCircle · 29/12/2020 15:12

“I’m saddened that my son means so little to you that you would consider being with other boys when he is with his parents”

^thats what I’d send in reply.

justilou1 · 29/12/2020 15:13

So let me get this right... that message was from the mum? She is pimping out the daughter? Fuck! My son is 14 and this is terrifying! I’m going to chain him to the house!

Lookslikerainted · 29/12/2020 15:16

Why are you explaining yourself to a child about plans over new years!!?

DeRigueurMortis · 29/12/2020 15:27

@justilou1

So let me get this right... that message was from the mum? She is pimping out the daughter? Fuck! My son is 14 and this is terrifying! I’m going to chain him to the house!

No, the message was from the GF.

FilthyforFirth · 29/12/2020 15:29

Jesus that text!! I wouldnt reply and simply show your son. Agree with the pp who suggested you ask DS why he has such low self esteem that he would put up with her threats if she doesnt get her own way.

LuckyNumberThirteen · 29/12/2020 15:38

Jesus. That message!

If she's willing to say that to you, what the hell is she saying to him?

She is abusing your son.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 15:49

@LuckyNumberThirteen

Jesus. That message!

If she's willing to say that to you, what the hell is she saying to him?

She is abusing your son.

Agreed.
DeRigueurMortis · 29/12/2020 15:54

@FilthyforFirth

Jesus that text!! I wouldnt reply and simply show your son. Agree with the pp who suggested you ask DS why he has such low self esteem that he would put up with her threats if she doesnt get her own way.

Because accusing her son of being a doormat to his GF is counter productive to increasing his self esteem.

His confidence and independence is already being undermined by his GF, he doesn't need his mother doing the same.

He needs to support to realise for himself why this behaviour is toxic.

You need to avoid making him the focus of a power struggle between his mum and GF where both are trying to "control" what he does and thinks.

It doesn't matter his mum has his best interests at heart - he won't understand this.

justilou1 · 29/12/2020 15:57

Sorry! I misunderstood... but she is very much a Delilah-type. Power-mad little madam keen on showing you who’s the boss. The mum is obviously pretty keen on having another bloke around too. I’d consider moving!!!

1forAll74 · 29/12/2020 15:59

It seems that your son has been very much taken up with what he considers an idealistic lifestyle, with the added thrill of feeling in love with the needy girlfriend, although he will not see her in this light.

It has no bearings on his own good parents and home, he has become negative about all that you say and do, and been swept up into this new and exiting love story of a life, even at his young age.

It may turn out well for him, who knows, but I would worry,in case it all fell apart, and the girlfriend no longer wanted him, and in his besotted state,he may fall apart big time and not be able to cope with all things.

Wheresmykimchi · 29/12/2020 16:01

I think I would keep the text to myself. See how far she gets then.

Abouttimemum · 29/12/2020 16:02

She needs to not get pregnant, because that would be an absolutely nightmare for everyone concerned, including the child.
What a piece of work she is.