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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Fieldsofstars · 18/04/2021 23:35

Of course the parents want her to be with your son still, she’s a nightmare and gives them an easier life whilst she’s got someone else to be shitty with.

Could you go through his phone and delete and block all forms of contact? Then give him a new sim so he has a new number?

JackieTheFart · 18/04/2021 23:38

Just adding my support to you OP. I read your initial post whenever you first posted it but lost it till it popped up in trending. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

VenusTiger · 18/04/2021 23:41

Sorry if this has already been suggested OP - lots of posts to read and I can't recall - but, have you sought any kind of therapy/counselling for your son at home? He may think everything that you and your DH are trying to do is one-sided/biased and it may help for him to speak to someone neutral who could encourage him to see things from both your point of view and the behaviour of the (ex!) gf.

whitehat · 18/04/2021 23:48

You mention that he's getting hysterical about seeing her, is this new or does he have a tendency towards emotion?

I wonder if he could benefit from talking with a psychologist at this point?

Could you raise what's going on with the school counsellor? They probably won't be equipped to deal with this but would be able to refer you on.

Milliepossum · 19/04/2021 00:01

OP, every person can get 10 free sessions with a psychologist or other professional if your GP completes a mental health assessment form (not sure exactly what it’s called). I think it’s supported by Medicare.

DeRigueurMortis · 19/04/2021 00:02

Son loves her and only wants her to the point he was hysterical

Probably because he knows what her reaction will be to you keeping them apart right now.

It's not all just "love" but distress about the consequences of you talking to her parents, police and school.

This might be controversial but keeping him off school for the week due to his head injury and not letting them see each other might be a good thing in tipping her further over the edge and giving you more ammo against her.

I'd definitely be looking to get a restraining order in place of you can do this independently of the Police.

DeRigueurMortis · 19/04/2021 00:15

As for her parents.

My guess is that she probably rules the roost at home and that why a) she hates you as your the only person not allowing her to be in control b) they will do anything to pacify her.

So of course they'll want to get the relationship back on track because the alternative is them having to assert some boundaries and you know, actually parent their child.

@OhCrumbsWhereNow I don't think anyone is say not to take her seriously about suicide or telling her BF to kill his mother however that's for her parents to deal with. They've been informed of the situation and if they choose to minimise it that's on them. The OP has enough on her plate with her own son. She can't be responsible for the actions of feckless parents.

The only thing she can do is call the school and hope they put appropriate safeguards in place for both kids.

me4real · 19/04/2021 00:57

The police are often pretty crap in my experience unfortunately.

Her parents are morons and we feel basically shrugged it off as teenage relationships and are trying desperately to fix their relationship and keep them together.

@workworkworkugh Trying to get a boyfriend to kill his mum is not normal.

You did the right thing by reporting it- just keep doing what you can.

Hugs. xxx

douliket · 19/04/2021 01:17

I would be saying to him that he is 16 living in your house so follows your rules. Tell him that you and husband have been very reasonable and are giving him plenty freedom but that he is entering an exam year so rules need to be followed.
He can see girlfriend three days of the week at a schedule around his studies and that he can spend one full weekend day with her, sat or sun ,but the other day he spend with his mates and encourage this,telling him that being with his mates and playing sport,getting excercise is good for him..you can take that control from her under the disguise of concerning nagging mother going in about the study and excercise..that way she cant get mad or "sad" at him for something out of his control

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 01:32

Her suggestion to him to kill you his own Mother is shocking, how this can be downplayed by Police officers is equally shocking.

Notanotheruser111 · 19/04/2021 02:00

Is there any chance the police could refer her for a mental health assessment based on her threatening harm to herself and you?

Cowgran · 19/04/2021 02:02

@douliket RTFT

AbsentmindedWoman · 19/04/2021 02:36

@Acs07

Well. I speak from working in social services for years. I'm not placing blame or guilty. But there is a way of acknowledgement and a way of thinking you've done your best. As parents we all think we do our best but it's beyond actions. It's a case of reassurance and love love acceptance. To be loved within and within a family, means you won't seek acceptance elsewhere. It's a personal testimony. If you are judging, you are judging a traumatic experience lived.
Sorry, this is utterly incoherent drivel - are you a bot, or are your posts the garbled results of monkeys tapping on a keyboard? Hmm
Bythemillpond · 19/04/2021 02:48

Her suggestion to him to kill you his own Mother is shocking, how this can be downplayed by Police officers is equally shocking

I think if they are down playing this then I would have taken their names and warned them you are giving their names to a solicitor so your family know who to pursue for not protecting you
If your ds does dump this girl and she ends up doing to her new bf the same as your ds and his parents end up dead then you will let the family know who didn’t protect their family.

I can’t believe that they aren’t taking a death threat seriously.

No wonder the police get such bad press
They don’t do themselves any favours

KatieMarina · 19/04/2021 03:27

Hard one but unfortunately I'd say most teenage relationships are toxic and a lot of teenage girls act this way. They're young and don't understand how to handle their emotions. Her feeling jealous and wanting his undivided attention is a normal teenage thing. They're still kids.
I'd stay away from trying to tell him what to do too much but just keep trying to build him up, let him know he's got the right to make his own decisions. Explain emotional manipulation to him, tell him what she's doing is to control him and that's only going to get worse, not better. Chances are he won't change his mind, he's young and in love. But be there for him the right way. No teenager has ever seen the light by their parents repeating themselves over and over.

Lemonlemon88 · 19/04/2021 04:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this. After the escalation and threats, is there any way you change his school to remove him from the situation during school hours?

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 04:12

I really wish people would read the Thread and see that this young lass has asked OP's Son to KILL he, his Mother, so they can be together.

This is way beyond, teenage angst FFS.

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 04:13

@Bythemillpond

Her suggestion to him to kill you his own Mother is shocking, how this can be downplayed by Police officers is equally shocking

I think if they are down playing this then I would have taken their names and warned them you are giving their names to a solicitor so your family know who to pursue for not protecting you
If your ds does dump this girl and she ends up doing to her new bf the same as your ds and his parents end up dead then you will let the family know who didn’t protect their family.

I can’t believe that they aren’t taking a death threat seriously.

No wonder the police get such bad press
They don’t do themselves any favours

Agreed, and good idea, take down all their details OP. Flowers
mathanxiety · 19/04/2021 04:52

Her feeling jealous and wanting his undivided attention is a normal teenage thing.

What this girl is doing is absolutely not normal, KatieMarina. Imo, options for dealing with the situation have gone way past the point of keeping on keeping on.

The DS/GF relationship is toxic. It is extremely abusive. It checks every single box of emotional and psychological abuse.

The relationship between DS and the GF is showing symptoms of an addictive disorder/domination dynamic akin to the dynamic involved in cult domination - seduction, coercion, belittling, humiliation, manipulation, accusation, blaming, and intimidation are all tactics of the girlfriend here, resulting in psychological domination and deep distress on the part of the DS.

There is an enormous power imbalance in this sick relationship, OP. Your DS is in the grip of a pathological narcissist.

(*You should take DS for a medical exam in light of the suspected concussion, ASAP.)

Emnemblem · 19/04/2021 05:46

Fucking hell OP. She's insane and her parents are enablers. Have the parents seen the screenshots? Keep on and on at the police as much as you can. Are you speaking to the school today?

KarmaNoMore · 19/04/2021 06:00

As if the parents could do anything to control a psychopath child.

I guess that if the mum can’t say no to her as she knows she would kill her if she tries to control her.

BlueLobelia · 19/04/2021 06:21

OP. Thanks I have no words.

tara66 · 19/04/2021 06:32

I can only advise -
Carry on with frequent contact to police - you may reach an individual who will help you. Do you know anyone with friend or family in police you could contact?
See a criminal lawyer for advice.
Contact school as you plan to do.
Contact a security company and employ, if only for a day or two, a protection person at a time when the girl and son will know.
Consider moving.
Take the threat very seriously.

thedancingbear · 19/04/2021 06:54

@Milliepossum

OP, every person can get 10 free sessions with a psychologist or other professional if your GP completes a mental health assessment form (not sure exactly what it’s called). I think it’s supported by Medicare.
You really, really can't, unfortunately.

NHS mental health provision is almost non-existent.

JollyHolly30 · 19/04/2021 06:55

Good luck with the school today. I hope they take it more seriously than the police seem to have.