My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

I’ve caught up with this today, I saw this at the beginning and only caught up with the developments today

@workworkworkugh I’m horrified for you! I sincerely hope that you get police involved and that they take it as seriously as it needs to be taken, and that is fucking seriously

She’s trying to get him to kill you, incitement to murder

You need to be to be protected,
Your son needs to be protected and she needs to be controlled and kept away from all of you

He can get past this, but he needs to see how she can’t stay in his life.

workworkworkugh thinking of you.

@workworkworkugh - I can't believe how measured you have been throughout this entire time, it really does go to show that if you give someone enough time, they finally show their true colours. I hope you are ok, and your family - that taking your DS out of his sport because of his concussion was simply precautionary - and that you managed to get some sleep. Police sound like a really good step to take, just bear in mind that with a girl like this one, the level she will go to to besmirch your character and make you out to be the most wicked person in the world, is probably more than you might imagine. Hold tight.

💐thinking of you and hope you’re in the process of getting sorted

@Rejoiningperson Both sides of my family have all sorts of stuff going on - which is why I name change for anything relating to them. We’re all currently not daring to speak/rock the boat at all because ‘she’ll take the baby and go’.

I feel awful for OP’s son, OP all of their little bubble as I worry about my own boys who are on the spectrum and very vulnerable. They can’t even deal with japes and capes from their friends, let alone the intensity of an off the scale situ like OP’s.

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I do hope @workworkworkugh is okay. I've had this thread running through my brain all day.

Such a tricky age and so hard to know how to handle it all. I think you have done an amazing job and terrifying as the latest developments are, at least it makes it a lot easier to put your foot down without seeming unreasonable.

I hope the police are helpful and that the GF's parents start realising that their daughter's behaviour is neither acceptable or normal.

In your position I would definitely be speaking to school and be very tempted to move your son. Although, I would have thought that 'incitement to murder' would be something that most schools would take a dim view of and may feel that girlfriend could benefit from being educated elsewhere, where she could get some more structured help.

I really hope everything is going okay for you and your son today. Admit to being slightly concerned you haven't updated given the threats that were being made.

@NCforthisconvo bloody hell, nightmare! Every parents fear. Also have boy very vulnerable but quite ‘attractive’ to people / relations who like to ‘own’ and control already. Scary as fuck. And an Ex who doesnt’ see this vulnerability at all. Am shitting myself for when he’s older. Think I’ll move to a mountain in Canada.

Good luck OP. Am hoping no sign means it’s going ok with police and not that something awful has happened.

@workworkworkugh have been following however no experience ect to offer advice however just wanted to say good luck getting this sorted/resolved difficult time for you and family. At least now your son at his sport again could be of help to him

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Things have not gone to plan. Yesterday was a complete nightmare, I need to get my other kids ready for their first day back at school today, but I will be back later once I have gathered my thoughts.

In a nutshell:
Police a bit lacking
Son loves her and only wants her to the point he was hysterical
Her parents are morons and we feel basically shrugged it off as teenage relationships and are trying desperately to fix their relationship and keep them together.

I am speaking to the school today even though DS has asked me not to tell them the full story (I will be telling them every single detail)

I truly appreciate the support, after yesterday I actually am struggling and feel like I can't do it anymore. I've literally been sick with stress.

Some people say I have been measured and calm (thank you) but if I'm being completely honest, there have been times I, and DH, have absolutely flipped out at DS, we're not proud, we know it it's not right, it's out of pure frustration.

I’m so glad you’ve posted OP. Very good idea to speak to the school in detail. I hope they expel the girl for not behaving within their code of conduct. If you can have the same conversations with your son’s friends parents and others you know at school this would expose her behaviour. The only way this sort of nightmare gets oxygen is through discretion, don’t give her that advantage.

And if possible I hope you get the school’s support for your son to stay home and get his schoolwork that way while he finds his own way to realising what’s been done to him - she doesn’t love him, it’s pure abuse.

And yes, her parents are morons, which is where she got her attitudes from. They can’t be trusted.

Oh no. The police are failing your family and this girl if they’ve not taken this seriously.

Her parents are wanting them to stay together. Really?! Yes they are definitely morons and I think it has come to a point of realisation that this family will subsume your son if you don’t take control. I think it’s gone far beyond the point of pandering to her family now and in your shoes, I would do everything possible to keep them apart and get your ds some urgent therapy.

Good luck with the school tomorrow. Please don’t let them fob you off. As for other action, can you get a restraining order against her? This would perhaps force her to leave the school.

As for her parents, you still have parental responsibility and can therefore forbid them from taking your ds in their car or home. I would definitely be getting legal advice at this point.

Me too glad you posted. Poor poor you! Poor your DH and poor your DS (although totally get the frustration). Does your DS get the seriousness of the statement to kill you in any way? If he does, work on that aspect.

Really sorry the police were not better. I thought they would take it more seriously.

Agree with @Milliepossum this needs AIRING - which you have done, good for you. Social services, have you tried them? I’d be saying your own son is vulnerable and your feel targeted and threatened. Ask to meet with the school but it would be really good if some professionals - police/SS were there with you/backed you.

As long as you able to keep yourselves and DS safe, then showing your fear and seriousness within bounds to DS is not the worst thing - if you shouted I’d say sorry but again reiterate the seriousness. Have you told him you feel sick? I guess sometimes talking isn’t it, things take time. Can he have a friend around who has some sense to him and occupy DS for a bit? Another relative who he likes who is sensible who could just come along and distract him?

Absolutely no communication for DS though - I hope you can enforce that.

OP - I can only offer a handhold and wish you well.

Perhaps start a new thread as this is nearly full.

And - maybe the school involvement may help.

Oh and I’d stay away from her parents. You might give them a statement that they are not to contact you and tell them the suicide and threats. But that would be it.

Any contact with them beyond that is likely to prolong the channel of communication even indirectly between the girl and your DS. Which needs cutting off absolutely and completely. Even if DS hates you.

Oh OP, it just sounds horrific. You and DH sound like you are doing everything you can to help your DS.
I agree with pp that your DS may need therapy of some kind to allow him to see the situation he's in and gain the ability to break free.

As pp have also said, he may also be terrified of what she will do. He says he loves her but really he is controlled by her.

Hang on in there, keep going even though it is so hard. We are all behind you, supporting you every step of the way.

Ugh.

Even before the threats, I had been thinking that one or other ought to go on one of those 'brat camp' type things. Not for being a brat but to get them apart from each other and thinking straight.

I landed myself in a toxic relationship at 18, way over my head, but couldn't see that at the time at all. Bf was a very charming sociopath with a drink problem. My parents did everything possible to make me see it... but I loved him and wouldn't listen. He also endlessly threatened to kill himself if I left which meant I was far too scared to leave.

We were together for 6 years. What finally made me see sense was being sent overseas for 4 months as part of my degree (in the days before the internet and mobile phones). I had an amazing time - including being swept off my feet by Mr Gorgeous (who I couldn't get deep and meaningful with as we needed a dictionary to converse at all) and suddenly realised that I had been feeling 50 not 23 and that I could be having so much more fun. Still took me a year to dump him, but that space and distance was really what I needed. Unfortunately no happy ending for him - he acted on his previous threats a few months after I finally left.

Which is part of the reason that I take what she is saying so seriously. I can't believe that her parents are minimising this. Or that the police are being so useless - there are plenty of real cases out there where these threats were not 'messing about', 'not serious', 'not meant in that way' and had tragic consequences. Even if she really and truly didn't mean it, a lesson needs to be learned about even making threats like this.

Even 30 years on, I feel so bad about how hard my parents tried to 'save me' from the situation, how hard I fought to resist them and wonder what the fuck I am going to do if my extremely strong-willed DD ever ends up in a similar relationship. Terrifies me, hence why I am so impressed with all the steps you have been taking.

Don't worry about losing it with your son - I honestly don't think you would be human if you didn't.

OP I have been following your thread for a while but haven't commented as I didn't feel I had much to add. But I have been horrified by recent updates and am really concerned for you all. I'm not sure which part of Australia you are from, but I believe you can apply for a restraining order by yourself. I would apply for the AVO against the GF and both of her parents as to be honest they sound utterly useless and it is potentially dangerous if they start trying to manipulate your son back with their daughter and downplay everything.

You have handled this so well. Such a difficult situation without a rule book. I would encourage you now to absolutely lay down the law, keep all technology from your son and even keep him from school until you get better support in place. He might hate you for it now but some distance from her will help straighten out his thought processes.

Your DS needs therapy akin to cult exit counseling.

He needs this as a matter of urgency. Is there any residential unit where he could go to get this?

The girl needs a psychiatrist, and you need to get a restraining order.

Tell the school every single detail. Leave nothing to the imagination.

OP, please contact upper police authority as the officers you spoke to dismissed a murder threat.
If school also minimises threat, take it higher. From now on both children will be far more secretive and determined.
Your son and you need protection. This girl needs help.

If ds begs you not to speak to the school or any other people, ask him why not? If you are over reacting then he has nothing to worry about. Indeed they will be on "his side". I'd be telling all and sundry. The more shocked reactions, the better to persuade him.
If people think it's a normal relationship, then he has nothing to worry about...

Good points about restraining order by yourself. I wonder if you could call a domestic violence charity advice line or local centre?

They will have really good advice and know the local situation.