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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 18/04/2021 18:40

Ignore typos. Obvs!

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 18:55

Well. I speak from working in social services for years. I'm not placing blame or guilty. But there is a way of acknowledgement and a way of thinking you've done your best. As parents we all think we do our best but it's beyond actions. It's a case of reassurance and love love acceptance. To be loved within and within a family, means you won't seek acceptance elsewhere. It's a personal testimony. If you are judging, you are judging a traumatic experience lived.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 18/04/2021 18:56

@Acs07

Well. I speak from working in social services for years. I'm not placing blame or guilty. But there is a way of acknowledgement and a way of thinking you've done your best. As parents we all think we do our best but it's beyond actions. It's a case of reassurance and love love acceptance. To be loved within and within a family, means you won't seek acceptance elsewhere. It's a personal testimony. If you are judging, you are judging a traumatic experience lived.
You do realise that the (abusive) girlfriend has told the son to kill his parents?

RTFT!

CircleofWillis · 18/04/2021 18:58

@Acs07

Well. I speak from working in social services for years. I'm not placing blame or guilty. But there is a way of acknowledgement and a way of thinking you've done your best. As parents we all think we do our best but it's beyond actions. It's a case of reassurance and love love acceptance. To be loved within and within a family, means you won't seek acceptance elsewhere. It's a personal testimony. If you are judging, you are judging a traumatic experience lived.
Hmm, and how will she show that she loves him no matter what if he follows through with the GFs suggestion and does away with her?
Acs07 · 18/04/2021 18:59

I read most of it. But it is my fault to have missed such an important factor.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:00

Also. None the less I stand by my advice. Give your child the most love and reassurance that he/she won't need to seek it elsewhere.

Weareallvirgins · 18/04/2021 19:01

@QuantumJump. Quickest way to alienate him insisting he eats at home etc. Just ignore it will fizzle I reckon

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:02

Well, then he is a psychopath/sociopath.

FuckingFabulous · 18/04/2021 19:02

@Acs07

16yrs old....

Everything seems so real for them. If you are too tough they will be glued together if you are too easy he won't learn boundaries.

I'd say, be the best mum you can be. Provide him with love, reassurance and security. Let him know that he has a family that loves him no matter what so he can learn that be is loved and appreciated at home. Usually youngsters seek love elsewhere because parents are too busy for them. Let your son know he is enough and more than enough. Raise his self-esteem, and his confidence. If he feels good within himself he won't want anything else. He won't need anyone else's reassurance.

This may be an I significant memory in the future or a traumatic one.

Dick.
Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:03

Sorry. I haven't.

Weareallvirgins · 18/04/2021 19:04

@Acs07 mumbo jumbo. How very social services. As usual your lot spouting poo.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:04

You all are so quick to judement and throwing stones. Thank goodness my fate is not upon you all. I thought this was a place of free thought and opinions. Of different perspectives.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:05

And what are you doing to change the world today?

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:06

I wish I had one. How very polite of you.

Weareallvirgins · 18/04/2021 19:06

@Acs07.. Is this the advice that was given to baby ps parent🤔🤔 silly woman

Buttonfm · 18/04/2021 19:09

I believe it's a natural consequence of growing up that no matter how much you are loved by your parents, you have the instincts to fall in love with someone and have a romantic relationship.

I'm fairly sure we'd go extinct otherwise.

orangecinnamon · 18/04/2021 19:10

@Acs07

Also. None the less I stand by my advice. Give your child the most love and reassurance that he/she won't need to seek it elsewhere.
Not helpful and extremely nasty imo
Buttonfm · 18/04/2021 19:10

Anyway, let's not derail the thread.

We're still here for you OP, hope things are moving in the right direction and that you're all safe.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:11

This is a personal advice as a child who experienced the same or more. Of a child who faced many types of abuses. Hence why when people judge I do not care. Because one cannot dictate what someone who has been on their shoes can say or do. My advice is valid, whether she wants to hear it or not. I have been her son and this was my experience and and 33 these are my thoughts.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 19:12

@Buttonfm

I believe it's a natural consequence of growing up that no matter how much you are loved by your parents, you have the instincts to fall in love with someone and have a romantic relationship.

I'm fairly sure we'd go extinct otherwise.

True. But hopefully most of us do not get emeshed into an abusive controlling relationship where one of us coerces the other of us to kill own own parents.

This has gone far beyond platitudes and 'bless they are only young' and now needs the police to be involved.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 19:14

Sorry @Buttonfm, my post was mostly directed at @Acs07 who I seriously hope is a great deal more objective and professional in her working life if she is a social worker.

Buttonfm · 18/04/2021 19:14

@BlueLobelia I couldn't agree more.

I think this is a very dangerous and abusive situation. He needs to be protected as I think he is vulnerable and at risk.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Weareallvirgins · 18/04/2021 19:15

@Acs07. Please. "One" has already saved the world. Didn't you see it on the news. Headline was someone sensible closed down social services.

tensmum1964 · 18/04/2021 19:15

She is clearly a very damaged and potentially dangerous young woman. I really hope the Police take this seriously op. Good luck.