My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

[workworkworkugh]

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

Please stop derailing.

Post reported

@Acs07

And what are you doing to change the world today?

Considering all you seem to be doing is trawling through Mumsnet to write passive aggressive and inflammatory comments, I think it’s a bit rich of you to ask what everyone else is doing to make the world better. Also - you have no idea what anyone else is doing, considering you are meant to be a professional you jump to nasty conclusions with absolutely no evidence to back them up worryingly quickly. I am shocked you work for social services, so far you have been smug, judgemental and unhelpful. I worry for the families you are working with. The OP is clearly in crisis and cares deeply for her child, she requires support and help. You seem to have gone out our your away to upset her, So any good advice you could have offered will now be immediately discounted due to your aggressive attitude.

@Acs07 are you on glue?!

Hope all is ok OP

I have just read the whole saga from start to now and cannot believe what I have read. Your poor son. You truly are a great mother and your strength is inspiring. Hold in there, you will get him through this and he will realise one day how much you loved him to stand by him through all of this.

@Acs07 why is it ok for a 16 year old to be in an abusive relationship? Why should that just be accepted as it will fizzle out? The boy sounds like he gets lots of love at home but how do you suggest this continues as the boy gets further into the relationship and becomes more isolated from his family and friends which is what the girlfriend is doing? Why is it ok that he is being told to kill his Mum?
You really should not try to use your role within social services to try and justify your point, from my experience of working with qualified social workers I can tell you are not one working with children as you are clueless as to the massive safeguarding concerns.

[quote thefishthatcouldwish]@Acs07 are you on glue?!

Hope all is ok OP[/quote]
either that or pissed.

Either way they are talking rubbish.

You said yourself you had not read the thread. I would suggest you perhaps filter by the OPs posts and read the whole lot.

It might help. Calling posters spitheads for disagreeing with you is unlikely to help.

@Acs07 as someone who experienced childhood trauma (my father dying when I was young) and I subsequently ended up in an abusive relationship, your comments are offensive.
The OP is trying to use empathy and understanding to keep her son on side. She is showing him love by supporting him, listening to him, protecting him. (my mum was extreemly loving and it was no way her fault that I ended up in an abusive relationship, she was the one who was there with open arms when I finally escaped to build me back up again!!!)
Abusive relationships don't start off that way, the abuser is clever, they real you in and make you feel like you can't survive without them. They cut you off from everyone else and make you question every thought in your own head! It builds up gradually until you become trapped! That person then has total control over you!

@workworkworkugh I think you sound like a wonderful mum, you have supported your son and tried to give him the freedom to make sensible decisions.......the gf has now given you no choice but to intervene. I really hope you were able to get somewhere with the police. Keep doing what you are doing. Listening to you son, empathising and understanding how he is feeling. Reach out to him with small acts of kindness. He will slowly return to you i am sure, but most importantly , take care of yourself. You have been so strong for your son and it must have taken an incredible toll on you.

Your needs were very individual to you. You can’t say the same for OP’s son as he’s from an entirely different family, has entirely different relationships with his family and is a completely different person. It’s very dangerous to give that kind of advice.

@Acs07 I think you’ve misjudged and don’t have a handle on this case, but also I don’t think anyone deserves to be name called so apologies for that even though it wasn’t me.

I agree

@LouKelly I don't think this parent wants to be friends with her son, she was in a difficult predicament where she was likely to drive him right into the arms of his girlfriend if she acted in a certain way, potentially losing him to her forever. She was walking on egg shells to prevent that!

@workworkworkugh This sounds like an absolute nightmare, and you have clearly tried your best in a very difficult situation.
Although recent developments must be extremely stressful having this final hard evidence to take to the police may help the situation. Once the authorities are involved it may be the final wake up call everyone needs - in particular the girls parents. I think if they can be made to see that her behaviour is dangerous and out of control then they may finally step in and give her the support and boundaries she needs to help her get over her tendencies towards abusive behaviour.
I would also say i’m sure we can all think of an ex who we were head over heels in love with, but now look back and think how awful they were. You son is so young, with your support he’ll get through this - and hopefully he, and the GF may be better off in the long run.
I was so rude to my parents as a teenager and was always running off to my awful boyfriends, but they stuck through it, and I now realise how much they cared for me. This will pass eventually.

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship..I was in one, I know. All Ia saying is stop judging. I wish I had all of that. People.are shit.

Same. My mum was loving but my dad wasn't.aint no.story the same.

@Acs07 why are you making this post about you? Are you on glue as asked previously?

@Acs07 this thread seems to be deeply triggering for you. It's up to you of course but you might want to think about stepping away from it. It does not seem healthy for you.

Ain't depression better than glue

She sounds like a fucking nightmare- poor lad.