Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Daisydrum · 18/04/2021 12:47

OP just to offer a hand hold as I feel for you so much. You’re an amazing mum keep going.
Please please also change your son’s phone number and have a rule that you check it every few days to see all messages. For his own protection. Although I don’t think he will need a phone for a while at least.
Sending hugs

MaryIsA · 18/04/2021 12:54

From experience...screenshot the texts, keep them.

Treemama · 18/04/2021 13:01

He needs to get her out of his life for good. Nothing good will come of this relationship. She clearly doesn't like him, it's all about power to her. I wouldn't be surprised if next she tries to convince him to kill himself. Sad

BootsieBarnes · 18/04/2021 13:03

Also if you get a restraining order in place he can't disappear off to her house as she would be arrested for breaching it. The threat of legal consequences being on her and her parents may stop them in their tracks. Especially if you follow through.

This has gone too far to back down now. I would suggest a meeting with the headmaster as well on Monday to bring the school upto speed.

BlueDahlia69 · 18/04/2021 13:10

OP I hope you're okay .. its a huge shocked to see your life threatened and in writing 🌸

I hope things are resolved asap.

AwkwardArnottDentonFumble · 18/04/2021 13:12

Hope you’re getting some help from the police now, this is a terrifying development. Restraining order time for sure.

wizzywig · 18/04/2021 13:43

I'm now thinking that perhaps her parents have given in to her as her reactions to events is totally over the top. She probably hasn't qualified for help as she is good academically. People overlook a lot when the person is a good student

Justilou1 · 18/04/2021 13:45

I hope to god the police don't minimise this. They're notorious for this atm. I think you could also insist upon a welfare check for the GF based on the repeated suicide threats. I do genuinely think your son was used by the parents as a buffer between them and her. She does genuinely sound like a psychopath. How horrifying for you all. I really hope she has some time in hospital under the care of a really good psychiatric team, to develop a plan of care and some CBT because I am absolutely terrified of the havoc that this girl could wreak on the general public. (She'll probably end up in parliament! - sorry!) I don't think your son should be left alone AT ALL for quite some time. If you need to go out, get his friends around to hang out. Make sure they understand that you think he'll nick off around to her house at the first opportunity and that he is not to use their phones to call her. (He will no doubt try emotionally blackmailing them and they need to be warned about that too.) An older (male) family member that he trusts would be great too.

SofiaMichelle · 18/04/2021 14:48

@justilou1 the police are notorious for minimising 'it'?

I thought that, at least in most territories, they were held in quite high regard with respect to how they operate?

jacqroberts68 · 18/04/2021 15:27

I posted about the same thing a couple of years ago. She had one of her usual hissy fits and he took her home and left her there. (After barricading herself in his car and damaging his phone he finally got her out and never saw her again.) But he is no angel. He can switch himself off and it is frustrating when you're not being listened to. I'd say to both of them if she is shouting "do you mind not airing your toxic relationship in our home as it's unacceptable"

SinisterBumFacedCat · 18/04/2021 15:32

I’ve been following your thread and am shocked at the turn this has taken, but she has finally tripped herself up now as is come to the point where outside authorities must get involved re threats to your life. She sounds like a narcissist. Good luck OP, you have shown amazing strength.

TommyShelby · 18/04/2021 15:58

Thank god your son has you to get him through this OP. You have much more patience than I would do in the same situation Flowers

Ikeameatballs · 18/04/2021 16:21

The escalation here is terrifying.

I do wonder if she may try to harm you even if your ds is no longer with her. I hope that the police take this seriously.

LazyDaisy22 · 18/04/2021 16:55

Have just read through all your posts OP and am horrified. You must be absolutely exhausted dealing with this. I think you’ve been really patient and tolerant but I think you’ve reached the stage where enough is enough. Definitely report to the police.

MorgeMooney · 18/04/2021 17:28

She sounds like an absolute psychopath op.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/04/2021 17:41

[quote SofiaMichelle]@justilou1 the police are notorious for minimising 'it'?

I thought that, at least in most territories, they were held in quite high regard with respect to how they operate?[/quote]
justilou is mostly correct. There's a lot of hype about how the Police are supposed to be dealing better with DV and DA etc. but when it comes down to it, and you know people who are suffering from DV/DA and how the police handle it, you know it's still just hype and not real action.

It's still about reactivity and not proactivity. Some people of course make it harder for the police to do their job - but I know of at least one case where the woman narrowly escaped death by throttling and the police still took 2 hours to turn up, and when the man was released from custody he just went straight back there.

@workworkworkugh - depending on your school principal and their stance on cyberbullying etc., this could still (and, IMO, should) be taken to the school. Even in my local area there is wide disparity between principals on what they consider to fall under their remit - and thankfully my son is at a high school where the principal considers it ALL falls under his remit, regardless of whether it happened in school hours or not. He would be on this and helping to deal with it - but other principals would just wash their hands of it and say it's outside school hours and therefore there isn't anything they can do.
I disagree with the latter stance - I think there has been a clear threat to safety that should be taken seriously by the school and the police and that both of them should get involved. Of course when it becomes this serious, sometimes schools hand off to the police and can't pursue it any further if it becomes a police matter - but if they're contacted separately, I'm not quite sure how much the school's hands would be tied. They can still, of course, suspend the child involved if necessary.

I've known of a few cases where both schools and police have been involved but in different orders!
One situation - something bad happened AT school, police were called, school handed off and were unable to do anything else until police had dealt with it (apart from suspending the child from school).
Another situation - police were informed first and the school only found out when the police visited the child at school - school in this instance did nothing (and apart from "having a word", neither did the police)

Regardless, I think you should still inform the school as, if anything were to happen AT school, at least they'd have prior warning.

Looseleaf · 18/04/2021 18:02

I would almost want to relocate the family in your shoes OP. I’m sorry it’s been so hard and think you are doing really well staying reasonable and persevering for your son’s sake

SwishSwishBisch · 18/04/2021 18:04

Good grief this girl sounds psychotic. Good luck with the police tomorrow OP

GettingItOutThere · 18/04/2021 18:06

@workworkworkugh

Thanks everyone, reading the messages of support has been such a help.

It's 6:00am here and I've been awake for a while, I think I had 4 hours sleep and i woke up shaking and crying.
The next few days/weeks/months are going to be so tough, the toughest we've ever been through.
We do have support in our lives but it's been nice to be able to come here, away from our 'normal' lives and chat and get some different opinions.

I will keep updating until this nightmare is over Sad

have you contacted the police OP?

its an awful situation

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 18/04/2021 18:17

@workworkworkugh just to say that I have been thinking of you all day and wondering how it is all going. I know I won't be the only one who have you and your family on their mind. Hope you are all okay.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/04/2021 18:19

I also keep on returning to the thread. I hope you will update soon workwork.

Acs07 · 18/04/2021 18:26

16yrs old....

Everything seems so real for them. If you are too tough they will be glued together if you are too easy he won't learn boundaries.

I'd say, be the best mum you can be. Provide him with love, reassurance and security. Let him know that he has a family that loves him no matter what so he can learn that be is loved and appreciated at home. Usually youngsters seek love elsewhere because parents are too busy for them. Let your son know he is enough and more than enough. Raise his self-esteem, and his confidence. If he feels good within himself he won't want anything else. He won't need anyone else's reassurance.

This may be an I significant memory in the future or a traumatic one.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/04/2021 18:29

@Acs07

16yrs old....

Everything seems so real for them. If you are too tough they will be glued together if you are too easy he won't learn boundaries.

I'd say, be the best mum you can be. Provide him with love, reassurance and security. Let him know that he has a family that loves him no matter what so he can learn that be is loved and appreciated at home. Usually youngsters seek love elsewhere because parents are too busy for them. Let your son know he is enough and more than enough. Raise his self-esteem, and his confidence. If he feels good within himself he won't want anything else. He won't need anyone else's reassurance.

This may be an I significant memory in the future or a traumatic one.

Jeez, I WISH people would learn to AT LEAST read all the OP's posts before coming onto the tail end of a long thread and posting a response only to the op!
Ironmanrocks · 18/04/2021 18:36

Any news OP? Thinking of you.x

CandyLeBonBon · 18/04/2021 18:40

Apart from agreeing with @ThumbWitchesAbroad about reading the full thread before posting your pearls of wisdom, I thought I'd just flag this gem, by @Acs07

Usually youngsters seek love elsewhere because parents are too busy for them.

What an utter crock of shit and a very subtle, sanctimonious way of blaming the op fir her don doing what pretty much every teenager has done since the sawn of time.

I have not enough eyerolls to give! 🙄🙄🙄🙄