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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 07:28

@MeanMrMustardSeed

I hope you get the support you need from the police (and school). It’s horrifying, but actually, she may have played into your hands by explicitly going crazy / threatening, rather than the subtle control which is harder to pin down and prove. I think you’ve done brilliantly throughout. It’s a very tough situation.
Oh I hope you are right a million times.
Standrewsschool · 18/04/2021 07:28

Wishing you all the best for what I imagine will be a tough few hours.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 07:35

@Blyatiful

Police and a restraining order. The police will also be able to retrieve earlier messages, even if they have been deleted.
yes- don't wait until tomorrow. Please please go.
FuchMyLife · 18/04/2021 08:17

Sending love and strength to your family 💞
Can't imagine how painful this must be

Mumoblue · 18/04/2021 08:21

Wishing you luck with the police OP!
This girl obviously has problems, but your only responsibility is to your son. I hope that with some distance from her he can begin to understand how wrong her behaviour is.

JocastaNu · 18/04/2021 08:35

Oh OP, I've just read all your posts with increasing horror. Please go to the police.

BootsieBarnes · 18/04/2021 09:03

Hopefully the Police can also explain to him how wrong this situation is. He might then start to understand how serious it is.

NUFAN · 18/04/2021 09:25

I’ve been following this since it started but haven’t posted as I have no advice. Just want you to know that you’re an amazing mum and you’ve done an incredible job. I really hope this gets sorted. How awful for you and your whole family.

Keep going. He will thank you one day. Xxx

AbsolutelyPatsy · 18/04/2021 09:29

sending you strength op.
i hope she doesnt pretend to be pregnant now

SofiaMichelle · 18/04/2021 09:34

Good luck with the police, OP. Make sure you have everything for them, write notes if needed!

Staggering that so many people on here were telling OP that she can't try to stop her son seeing this girl because it would push him away.

It was blindingly obvious that she was a raving psycho lunatic and the very last thing OP needed was advising to let her son carry on this "relationship".

MN is so weird sometimes. Offspring are treated like children in their 20s and even 30s when it's something trivial, but when they're genuinely still children (under 18) they should be allowed to handle dangerous and damaging stuff like this because "at 16 they're too old to be told what to do". Bonkers!

Flowers24 · 18/04/2021 09:41

Gosh just read all your posts OP and sounds horrendous, you have done really well to deal with this. The gf sounds very devious and not right at all, I have a 16 yr old also and would intervene , they are way to young to cope with this,
Hope it gets sorted out xx

Italiangreyhound · 18/04/2021 09:46

Hope the police were helpful. Flowers

Dashel · 18/04/2021 09:57

Did you son tell you about her suggestion that he kill you? Controlling relationship or not I would be livid if he hadn’t told me that. I hope it will be enough to make him realise how unhealthy this all is and not be brushed off as a joke. If not I worry that this will be the trigger that pushes him to move out and in with her and her mum. If he tries to go down that path I would seriously get his mates around and have some sort of intervention as a last resort.

I hope that you have kept hold of his phone and I hope that the police are helpful and you as. Family are as ok as you can be x

Stay strong x

Henneypenny7 · 18/04/2021 10:18

She’s honestly a price of poison do you have a social services we’re you are I would be reaching out to them for support your child is in a abusive relationship take his phone away ground him force him to take a break from her take him away camping etc let him see the light

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/04/2021 10:43

Hope your son's concussion is improving.

wizzywig · 18/04/2021 11:02

That's it op, call the police. I've seen enough programmes, where this has actually been carried out. She will downplay it and I have no idea what can be done legally to manage a 15yr old in Australia. She is putting her cards on the table here for your son to see.

NettleTea · 18/04/2021 11:46

This is terrifying. I have had friends with boys a little younger with girlfriends who have acted in a similar way, but not to the final extend that this girl has. I really wonder what is going on out there in the dating world. My son is 15 and hearing stuff like this is horrifying. My older daughter seems to be able to bat off the boys and spot the red flags, but Im not so sure about him.
I hope that this has been a wake up call for him about her. Although how its going to work with school. As others said, he may have to move, as I cannot see her complying to keep away

FlamingoQueen · 18/04/2021 11:53

I hope the police can help. As the mum of a 17 yr old boy I can only imagine how terrifying this must be for you.

Twoforthree · 18/04/2021 11:53

Oh my goodness. But I think it needed to come to this. Now he will be forced to confront the reality of everything. I agree that a domestic support officer might have better luck than you saying it, because "parents know nothing!"

Thebirdstbeseathebirds · 18/04/2021 12:04

You’ll be doing everyone a favour, your son is suffering and this awful ‘relationship’ could seriously affect his future relationships with women. And as for the girl, she clearly has mental health issues that she needs help with, either something has happened to her or she may have a disorder, personality or otherwise.

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/04/2021 12:19

Hope you're all ok today.

Have you spoken to the police?

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 18/04/2021 12:23

Did you son tell you about her suggestion that he kill you? Controlling relationship or not I would be livid if he hadn’t told me that. I hope it will be enough to make him realise how unhealthy this all is and not be brushed off as a joke. If not I worry that this will be the trigger that pushes him to move out and in with her and her mum. If he tries to go down that path I would seriously get his mates around and have some sort of intervention as a last resort.

Yes, I'm wondering what his reaction to that development has been? Surely he can't be allowed to move out without parental consent at 15? I would seriously be looking at restraining orders now.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 12:23

@Thebirdstbeseathebirds

You’ll be doing everyone a favour, your son is suffering and this awful ‘relationship’ could seriously affect his future relationships with women. And as for the girl, she clearly has mental health issues that she needs help with, either something has happened to her or she may have a disorder, personality or otherwise.
yes I gree with this, At 15, almost 16 he does not have the tools to fix it.

I recall a client of mine in an awful relationship with a violent man who she repeatedly went back to. I said to her 'I think what you want is for us and the police to fix it and for it to not be your fault and to just taken out of your hands'.

That was exactly what she wanted.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 12:25

Because they are enmeshed. To leave is too dangerous than to stay. So they think they can handle it.

I think the police taking over and maybe/probably the DS moving schools is the best next step.

BlueLobelia · 18/04/2021 12:26

*more dangerous than staying

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