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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
timeforanewnameagain · 17/04/2021 14:03

What a ridiculous situation this is! It's gone way way too far. I really feel for you OP.

Definitely police, as everyone has said and honestly I would be banning all contact now and looking at making this formal with a restraining order or whatever the equivalent is where you are. He is 15, still a child in the eyes of the law (I think, in Aus?) and he might hate you now but he will thank you later. Then counselling for him and I'd be keeping a mega close eye on him in case her awfulness has put thoughts of hurting himself in his head. One of them needs to change schools, hopefully you can make it her (surely school would exclude with the evidence you have and police involvement?) but if it has to be him then it's him too.

She sounds like an absolute psycho.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2021 14:06

Oh my. This is awful. I also would not tell her father before going to the police. Hopefully you can get support from them. She clearly needs a lot of therapy. Maybe you’ll manage to get a little sleep tonight. Flowers

Notapheasantplucker · 17/04/2021 14:09

Jesus that escalated! She sounds unwell.

pumpkintree · 17/04/2021 14:09

I hope you and your son will be ok.

He needs counselling and he needs a specialist to talk to him to help him process and communicate what's been going on.

He knows it's wrong. Does he had a close friend you can tell what's happened and maybe they can chat about it. He will talk more openly to a friend. He wont want to admit you were "right" this Isn't about right and wrong to you but to him it might be.

It took me 5 years to make my friend see he boyfriend ass abusing her. It took this long because she was not ready to hear and see it. It takes for the person experiencing it to see it before that chapter closes in their life.

The police should help you.

mmgirish · 17/04/2021 14:09

Omg! That's sounds like a plot from a film. What a nightmare.

SeaTurtles92 · 17/04/2021 14:15

Oh my goodness. You definitely need to go to the police. She's dangerous.

Lifeisforalimitedperiodonly · 17/04/2021 14:18

OP, I am truly shocked at what you are having to live through. What on earth has your poor DS been replying to these messages? She is brainwashing him. I agree that you should go to the Police and then her parents will know everything that has been going on since you have all of the messages. Make sure you get them on your own phone because he may delete them if you give him his phone back.

Spanglemum · 17/04/2021 14:26

I took my child off Snapchat, Instagram and Tiktok as they were engaging with another child who was encouraging self-harm, suicide etc. In the end I had to tell my child that the other child needed help and support, more than they could give them. I think my child was received in a way that we had said that this was over, we were making the decisions about online behaviour etc etc. I would tell the parents about her suicide threats and the school about how she has behaved. Schools in UK do have a responsibility for safe guarding children and promoting their well being. It must be similar there. This is a very unhealthy relationship and it needs to end. The girl needs help but your son probably does too.

HowManyToes · 17/04/2021 14:31

Shitting hell, police!

Loopylobes · 17/04/2021 14:32

OP, I have been the parent of a teen in an extremely abusive relationship and a lot of what you have described is horribly familiar.

Could you take him away for a few days? I know she will still be there when you get back but I remember those first few days as the ones in which my DD kept waivering about whether it she had done the right thing by ending the relationship. She gradually began to regain her perspective on the situation as that time progressed.

Also, is it possible to send him to a different school; preferably a boys' school so she can't follow?

She will probably fight tooth and nail to get him back, whether the police are involved or not.

Coercive controlling behaviour is illegal in the UK now. I know it's a long shot but it's worth finding out if the same applies in Australia. You may need to help the police to recognise that this is what is going on.

I think you need to clear your house of anything your son can harm himself with. Medicine, belts, knives etc.

This is a lot more difficult than it might seem and would probably just alienate your DS more if he became aware of it. I would just make sure any large quantities of medication were hard for him to get to on the spur of the moment.

FWIW, I think you have done the right thing at every stage throughout this whole sorry saga. My DD is very clear that what rescued her was my consistent efforts to maintain a relationship with her throughout. You, too, have prioritised the relationship over your own emotions.

You've now been pushed into a corner. When I was in a similar position and had to put my foot down, she defended him at first and then suddenly broke down and sobbed, agreeing that she knew she had to end it. We had an awful few weeks as the full extent of the abuse became apparent but it's behind us now.

However, I'm not sure she would have managed to stay away from him, had they been in the same place every day after the relationship ended - hence my question about moving school. I'm sure this won't be a good time to move in terms of qualifications and the school is likely to play the whole thing down and prioritise results but this is an extremely dangerous time for your DS. Please don't underestimate the power this whole family has to draw him back into their lives, isolate him from you and destroy him.

Words can't express how much I hope you are successful in getting this girl out of his life. The power that coercive control has is phenomenal and far too few people recognise it. I hope you're lucky and the police officers who you turn to are well trained and have the power to help.

butterpuffed · 17/04/2021 14:36

She's seriously unwell, please call the Police and don't leave it until tomorrow .#

TulipSandwiches · 17/04/2021 14:37

I've read your posts from when all of this started and for what it's work think you have handled it well throughout. It's easy for parents whose children aren't teenagers to say to you that you should make him do this or that but you can't just tell teenagers to do what you say like you could when they were eight.

Notaroadrunner · 17/04/2021 14:38

Hope you get on well with the police and that they step in and take some control of the situation. Do not cave and give your Ds back his phone for now. Keep him in sight at home so he doesn't sneak out. If possible, do get someone from a DV charity/police to come and talk to him. He needs to hear how bad this is from someone outside his family/friends circle. Her parents have a lot to answer for too as they know what a little bitch she is and didn't step in. Hopefully her father will have the good sense to keep her the hell away from your Ds now.

Toothpaste123 · 17/04/2021 14:53

What a nightmare! Good luck op 🌹

bert3400 · 17/04/2021 15:14

Bloody Nora, I think I would call the police now, to log your concerns and ask for someone to come visit in the morning. As a parent to 4 boys I think you have handled it the best way you can . Boys are closed books and trying to get the full picture is always tricky as they generally don't give you any information.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 17/04/2021 15:19

Jeepers creepers - she is utterly psycho.

Just offering some support - this must be nightmarish to be dealing with. I hope the police are helpful

AdaThorne · 17/04/2021 15:20

I've been following your thread since early on and am shocked and horrified by your latest updates. Definitely time to call the police. I hope you and DH get some sleep tonight.

RRoonilWazlib · 17/04/2021 15:21

This is awful OP! I can't imagine how scary this is for you. Definitely call the police in the morning and keeping him off school is a good idea too. Surely the school have some responsibility now it has escalated and got to this point??

Sending thoughts your way OP.

Nanny0gg · 17/04/2021 15:26

@Standrewsschool

Police today, not tomorrow. Why wait?
Not in UK. So nighttime
LoveIsAllThereIs · 17/04/2021 15:31

The only way to learn is to live. This is part of growing up. What is teenage love without a bit of learning and heartbreak. Every relationship he has will teach him something to take to the next. Model a relationship of healthy boundaries, encourage him to see his friends, but then let him learn the life lesson his own way

Bertiebassetsbabe · 17/04/2021 15:32

Bloody hell OP!

Hope the police are able to help.

BlueDahlia69 · 17/04/2021 15:32

OP please know you did everything you could to show your Son what coercive controlling abusive behaviour is, you are a good and strong Mum.

Please do not let the Police fob you off, make sure this is treated seriously because it is very serious and so dangerous.

Sending you strength to get through this for you all and your Son. 🌸

Branleuse · 17/04/2021 15:35

oh my god OP. I hope the police come down hard on this.

Pupster21 · 17/04/2021 15:35

Heck things have escalated. Keep his phone off him until you see the police.

JeffreyJefferson · 17/04/2021 15:39

oh my gosh op i can’t believe all this is going on !!!! you are unbelievably strong FlowersBrewCakeStarWine