Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Teapotsandtablecloths · 17/04/2021 12:52

Wow it really has escalated. She really needs some professional help.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/04/2021 12:53

I have to agree, you must must must screenshot everything and take it to the police ASAP.

She won't kill herself - it's the last resort of the narcissist to keep control over her victim (your son) - but she has to be kept away from him.

I also agree that there is no point NOW in talking to the parents. Take this straight to the police, let THEM deal with her parents.

IReallyNeedMoreGin · 17/04/2021 12:53

@workworkworkugh

More to come...but I have just found messages from her tonight telling my DS to kill me so they can be together
Time to get police involved I'd say.
itwa · 17/04/2021 12:55

I would ask that when the police attend, that they bring someone from domestic violence to talk to your son separately.

MissKittyFantastico84 · 17/04/2021 13:08

OMG this sounds like a nightmare

Pottedpalm · 17/04/2021 13:08

@MelissaVonStressel

Surely that's enough to make school sit up and take notice, and the police, and her parents- it's time to go nuclear. She's really quite ill.
But how is it the responsibility of the school to ‘take notice’ and sort problems like this? Untold hours of pastoral staff time is taken up in unravelling scenarios which, in the main, happen out of school. School cannot monitor the use of electronic devices and social media out of school, and most do not allow their use in school. School can't be responsible for what takes place in teenagers’ bedrooms, or in the park, or at a party. This is not a criticism of the OP, for whom I have huge sympathy.
DdraigGoch · 17/04/2021 13:10

@workworkworkugh

Yep, definitely going to the police and parents with this one and all the others I have. I am worried though as she has threatened to my DS that she will kill herself.

She is telling my DS I should be paying for her counselling as it's all my fault, that I'm a c*t, there's just a heap of disgusting things about me, I can ignore petty teenage drama and bitchiness but these are beyond.

Don't contact her parents, the police will have to handle them. Concentrate on saving evidence - to get around Snapchat's deletion/anti-screenshot systems you may need to just take a photo of the screen using another phone.
Original poster
workworkworkugh · 17/04/2021 13:13

I had to argue to get the phone off my son, he refused to give it to me and I'm not proud of how I acted to get it (demanding) but I'm glad I did, there's so much more and she's telling him he's not allowed to talk to me as I'm a 'snitch' etc.

I'm so glad I insisted, as much as he hates me for it, this ends now. I have taken his phone off him for now, until this issue is sorted, he cried and was so distressed about it.

He's finally asleep now so he doesn't know of our plans to speak to police etc tomorrow. I will be notifying the school as soon as it starts back on Monday, DS is refusing to go and that's fine, I'll take as much time off work as I need to be with him (DH too).

I have the screenshots on my phone. I only have the ones from today so god knows what has been said before now but the ones I have are bad enough, I'm literally sitting here shaking having just read through them again.

I know some people think we should have stepped in much sooner, and they might be right but we handled as best as we could at the time. But now, I won't be holding back, no more protecting her. She needs help and she can't get the right help without people knowing the truth.

OP posts:
Ohdeariedear · 17/04/2021 13:15

@itwa

I would ask that when the police attend, that they bring someone from domestic violence to talk to your son separately.
I agree with this, if for nothing else to show your son how serious this is and that this is not normal behaviour,
DdraigGoch · 17/04/2021 13:17

As she attends the same school, I'd certainly be keeping him off until further notice, until one of them can be moved to another school. Get some sleep and get the police around first thing in the morning.

Standrewsschool · 17/04/2021 13:20

Police, definantly. Firstly to protect yourself, and also so DS can see how serious it has now become. What a nightmare.

Standrewsschool · 17/04/2021 13:21

Police today, not tomorrow. Why wait?

DdraigGoch · 17/04/2021 13:23

@Standrewsschool

Police today, not tomorrow. Why wait?
Because where the OP is it is the middle of the night and her son is now asleep.
whitehat · 17/04/2021 13:24

Oh my goodness OP, what a nightmare. DD got entangled with a girl that sounds very much like this (not romantically) and we had to get the police involved several times. This was in NSW btw.

We had similar threats coming via mobile - snapchat, instagram - all the usual suspects. The police struggled as there is no specific legislation for this in NSW and it's very difficult to accurately identify a person for legislative purposes through social media, as it's very easy to impersonate somebody.

In your shoes I would probably be seeking an AVO, but you'll need to take advice about whether you have enough evidence to do so. After speaking with the police several times I was just lawyering up when I ended up returning to the UK, although she does still keep attempting to threaten DD via social media.

If this girl's parents seem approachable enough, perhaps the dad, I would reach out to them and openly describe everything that's happening. If they can support you then brilliant, if they don't then you know where you stand.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your boy, it sounds incredibly difficult.

Standrewsschool · 17/04/2021 13:24

Okay, sorry missed. Saw he was asleep but I thought it could have been a daytime nap. My apologies.

lioncitygirl · 17/04/2021 13:24

Jesus she’s absolutely unhinged. Police. What on earth does your son make of her now?! She’s asked him to kill his own mother?!

babbaloushka · 17/04/2021 13:29

Benefit of hindsight don't forget, you were dealing with the punches as they came and couldn't have known it would escalate to this point. Best thing you can do is get school and police involved to nip it in the bud, get her and your DS the help they need.

Bakeachocolatecake2day · 17/04/2021 13:35

@workworkworkugh

More to come...but I have just found messages from her tonight telling my DS to kill me so they can be together
Oh my. I hope you are all ok.

Please do take this through to conclusion.

Police, complaint about school safeguarding. You have to do the whole lot.

VodkaSlimline · 17/04/2021 13:37

I think if the girl has threatened suicide you should let her parents know that (and only that) immediately.

toolazytothinkofausername · 17/04/2021 13:44

If the girlfriend has put ideas of suicide in your son's head, I think you need to clear your house of anything your son can harm himself with. Medicine, belts, knives etc.

ButterflyTonight · 17/04/2021 13:54

@DdraigGoch

As she attends the same school, I'd certainly be keeping him off until further notice, until one of them can be moved to another school. Get some sleep and get the police around first thing in the morning.
OP, I've followed your thread, hoping against hope your son would see through her. You both (and your DH) have my sympathy.

I would definitely be keeping him off school and making sure someone was with him while you visit the police. My concern now is that if she finds a way to contact him she may suggest they run away together.

I wouldn't give her parents advance notice of your visit. Even if they can't do much in law, a visit from the police may shake the parents into realising this situation has gone way too far. If you give them a head's up, then the visit may not have the same impact.

They've also no time to think and plan how to handle the visit. Although there's no excuse for making threats of this nature, they could (especially the mother) go into protection mode if they know in advance and seek to minimise the damage rather than wake up to reality.

Devlesko · 17/04/2021 13:56

@workworkworkugh

I'm guessing he's telling the gf and her mum how awful and strict we are because they've now given him a set of keys to their house
you won't need to pick him up anymore, he can make his own way there and back, Tlk to him about responsibility if she becomes pregnant.
bpirockin · 17/04/2021 13:56

You've done the right thing. I too remember the craziness of 'first love' and how it can turn lives upside down, but this really is toxic.

My nephew was, until recently, in a similar relationship, and fortunately his parents were able to talk to him and he realised. He was still afraid that she'd harm herself. His parents had warned her parents when she threatened this and they worked together, but agreed that as they were both due to go to Uni shortly thereafter, that it would probably fizzle out since they had not managed to both get into the same one, hard as she tried. It worked out, and he learnt a lot from it. He was able to walk away guilt free.

The only thing I would say is that 'abusive' is such a strong word, and though it's true, he might be more inclined to listen and take heed if you use words like coercive, manipulative, and co-dependency. These, for a young man, won't be seen as quite so unpalatable. I was in a similarly unhealthy relationship for nearly 10 years, and I wish that my parents had intervened just as much as I wish that I'd been strong enough to walk away from it. As it was, they literally had no idea, but I was that much older. I also learnt a lot about myself as well as others, but i do wish i hadn't taken nearly a decade of my life to do it.

A really useful book which you could look at together, and have fun with when you spot certain tactics people use (unwittingly) is Games People Play by Eric Berne. It's not a hard read at all, but it does help you realise the part that you play in the continuance of such 'games', and when you are aware of that and step out of your 'role', the 'game' changes. I strongly recommend it.

Devlesko · 17/04/2021 13:59

Sorry, for some reason was responding to pages ago.
Yes, call the Police, this is terrible.

Shelvesoutofbooks · 17/04/2021 14:02

Holy shit OP!