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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
WildishBambino · 11/04/2021 12:28

OP, I think the biggest risk at the moment is that the girl will get pregnant, particularly as she feels she's losing some of her grip over him. Even if your son is using contraception, there are ways of sabotaging it.

Tistheseason17 · 11/04/2021 13:27

Any way you can get your DS to read link below?

www.childrenssociety.org.uk/information/young-people/advice/teenage-relationship-abuse

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/04/2021 13:45

Absolutely re: the pregnancy thing to regain control

DdraigGoch · 11/04/2021 16:34

His mates are probably your best allies. You could get them to organise a lads' holiday or something to get him away from her for a week or so. A lads' beano doesn't have the same embarrassment for a 16 year old as going away with your family. Find an older brother of one of them to drive them off camping or something. I'd even stoop to supplying them with a few cases of beer - a bit of underage drinking is worth letting them get away with if it can encourage him to spend some time away.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 11/04/2021 22:45

@DdraigGoch his mates miss him but they do invite him to everything already.
They go to parties, fishing, wakeboarding, just hanging out etc
He just doesn't go as it's not worth the drama and moods from her.
He's shown me the messages where she threatens to dump him (this relates to 'because he's changed') and the last time he hung out with his mates in September he called me in tears because she had dumped him.

It's frustrating that the two times we've managed to get him to come with us for family events, the whole time is still taken up by her as she messages him constantly and gets mad if he's not replying to her straight away, our whole time with our DS is still taken up by her and making sure his attention is still on her.
Yet he is going to go away with her and we're not going to ruin their time together like she does (obviously because we're mature adults) she just CANNOT let him do a single thing without her.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 12/04/2021 04:51

I'd accidentally drop his phone into the washing machine, full cycle 😏

Oops

Peridot1 · 12/04/2021 05:34

I’ve lurked on your thread but not posted before but was just wondering if you have asked him if he is happy? Maybe instead of pointing out how abusive etc she is ask if he is happy with her. If he is why? Maybe just get him to think about what he gets from the relationship. He obviously doesn’t like her behaviour and the grief he gets so what does he like? I wondered if he started to think about it like that he might realise he is t actually happy with her and he doesn’t have to put up with it. He can walk away.

fearfulexchange · 12/04/2021 06:18

This is awful and I'm sorry to read this.
My ds is in his early teens and this is something that has always been a concern to me.
The ultimate fail is the parenting on the other side, you seem to be up against a constant losing battle.
It horrifies me that there are parents out there that are happy to pamper their kids like this.
Is she an only child?
The only hope is that she's a spoilt enough brat to not get herself pregnant as it will require something to be about someone other than herself.

DinosaurDiana · 12/04/2021 06:53

Not read the whole thread, but we were here a couple of years ago.
He found the strength to split one day, he said it had been coming for a while, but he did finish with her.’
She took him away from us for three years and we had to suck it up.
Carry on being his safe space, he will come home one day 💐

Veronica12345 · 12/04/2021 06:57

Sex will pull a man further than dynamite will blow him,

I’m afraid that’s it in a nutshell.

Mrgrinch · 12/04/2021 07:31

I've just read all of your posts OP and I feel awful for you. Have you considered arranging for him to meet with a counsellor? Perhaps speaking to someone completely impartial and not involved in all this will be a big help to him.

Original poster
workworkworkugh · 12/04/2021 07:46

Just to answer the recent posts, I can't remember to tag you all...
I have asked him if he's happy and he said he is, most of the time. Don't know when as she seems mad at him nearly every second day.

We've tried the counsellor route, he's not interested right now, I will keep trying though.

I know they're are obviously doing some physical stuff but DS has insisted that they haven't had sex yet. I'm not at all naive but hopefully they haven't as her getting pregnant is on our minds too.

Yes she is an only child.

And @DinosaurDiana I'm sorry that you have been through this as well. I'm glad to hear that your son saw sense in the end, I think having to wait three years will break me Sad

Also I messaged my son to ask him to keep me updated on their travels today (as they're holidaying about 5 hours away) and he sent a photo back but it's clear that she took it and he's barely in it and it's just her smiling massively into the camera. She knows exactly what she's doing.
I feel so immature saying this, but in this instance (the holiday) she 'has won' and she's rubbing it in.

I guess I wonder how much more she'll get her claws into him/influence him if they're together for four solid days as usually we're there to temper her controlling nature.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 12/04/2021 07:53

Can I recommend if he won’t see a counsellor that you go to a family counsellor by yourself who can help guide you through some strategies to help him.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 12/04/2021 08:00

I'm so sorry it is still going on Sad

Is her dad any better at keeping her in check then her mum?

nannybeach · 12/04/2021 08:02

I sympathise, not sure what to suggest. I have been on both sides of the coin, bessoted with the first bloke I slept with 16, thank God I saw the light. BUT I married the one at 18 who was bessoted with me, (or so I thought) he turned out to be a gay psychopath, who married me for a respectable "front" for his posh family. Of course hindsight is a wonderful thing. His parents tried to stop our marriage, (only because they thought I wasn't POSH enough for them) so we eloped.Guys of 16 don't usually confide in their parents, it's a bloke thing.I hope you DS sees the light Good luck

ConstantlyChanging · 12/04/2021 08:02

Maybe a holiday together will break them. It does have that effect on lots of couples - especially immature ones.

Northernparent68 · 12/04/2021 08:12

@SoddingWeddings

I'm a bit confused. Your son is in a highly abusive relationship.

Has no one ever couched it to him in these terms?

www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/types-of-domestic-abuse/ (I'm struggling to find a good similar one in Australia).

This.
babbaloushka · 12/04/2021 08:20

Your poor DS, hopefully he'll realise what a controlling prick she is.

nancywhitehead · 12/04/2021 08:45

To some extent it sounds like normal teenage behaviour in relationships, but the important thing when thinking about whether you should get involved at all, is how it's effecting him?

You have to expect that once kids reach this age they are less likely to want to be involved in family stuff... that will probably come back in a few years time but they usually need some space to work things out.

You could just have a chat with him about how all of this is affecting him, if it is bothering him or not. If it's not bothering him then, sorry, but your issues with it are not really relevant - you have to let him grow up and do this stuff. If it is bothering him then you could have a chat with him about how he might approach it with her and how he might talk to her about her intensity.

Basically as a parent, you have to such up your own feelings about him not attending family events and not being as engaged with you at this age. It's about him and supporting him in whatever way he needs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2021 08:45

Of course she’s smug. She’s got both her father and your ds wrapped round her little finger.

I also think you should get some therapy for yourself. I also think you should have a Google “teen abusive relationship” and have a good read on advice and pitfalls. Maybe also look at “adult child abusive relationships” I know your ds isn’t an adult but you may find some stuff useful. A quick Google suggests parents should get a lot of info and counselling themselves. And have a read of this. familydoctor.org/teen-abusive-relationship/

Mrgrinch · 12/04/2021 08:47

To some extent it sounds like normal teenage behaviour in relationships, but the important thing when thinking about whether you should get involved at all, is how it's effecting him?

Please ignore this. It is NOT normal behaviour by any means and you should NOT stop communicating with your son.

Fieldsofstars · 12/04/2021 08:50

Could you rustle up the finances to arrange him to go away with some friends?
Pay for it and surprise him with it as a gift?

A couple of days with his mates would honestly make him realise.

chasingmytail4 · 12/04/2021 09:02

@workworkworkugh this resonates with me because I'm watching a close friend's son in a similar relationship. I am very close to this young lad, I was his childminder for 7 years and he is best friends with one of my sons. His parents actively encourage him to talk to me and I wonder if there is anyone (maybe a friend, aunt, uncle?) who your son would confide in? I don't tell him to end the relationship, but I listen and just ask him what he thinks of some of the things his girlfriend does. I give him a chance to reflect on her behaviour. Sometimes it's easier for teenagers to talk (and listen) to someone who isn't their parent. The lad I know is still in the relationship, and I'm still terribly worried about him, but I do see subtle shifts in the way he stands up to her and it gives me hope. I love and care for him deeply and I can't begin to imagine how much harder it would be if he was actually my son, so my heart goes out to you.

ItscoldinAlaska · 12/04/2021 09:04

I too would play her at her own game and offer him a holiday away with his friends that would be exceptionally hard to refuse (they sound like outdoor types so maybe a bothy type experience with some adult supervision?)

I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years - so I am coming at this from your sons POV. Being told I was in an abusive relationship, recognising I was being abused and being told I should leave didn't make me leave I am afraid. What made me leave was having a series of experiences that showed me how relaxed and 'me' I could be when ex H wasn't around. How I didn't have to walk on tip toes and I wasn't waiting for the next bollocking. Unfortunately the more I was wriggling free, the more incensed exH got and what went from coercive contro, and jealousy ended in a broken jaw, ribs and being bitten for me Sad. But that drip, drip effect of having a better, less complicated time when he wasn't around showed me that I left. And one day (after a particularly awful assault) somethig in my brain just went 'No, I don't actually cause or deserve this' and the next time someone asked me if he had hit me I said yes and the house of cards came tumbling down. Keep doing that drip, drip with your DS @workworkworkugh. It will happen and he will disentangle himself.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/04/2021 09:12

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know how you feel because my son was in a similar relationship from the age of 18-21, the worst 3 years of his life. Your lad is younger so you do have more control so start flexing your muscles against this young lady. No more holidays with her, no more lifts to and from school, home for dinner, sport with friends etc, you will be doing him a massive favour. He will most probably be relieved that he has you as an excuse not to see her. She's already proved her threats are empty. I'm sorry there's not much I can add but wanted to say my son's relationship did end (she shagged someone else) and he's now happily married in his 30s. I thank God every day for that.